Hello! This is Tono555 and today I am doing a test review for, by !
Synopsis of Crossfire
During Fire Lord Sozin's reign, all is not well for one girl in specific, Nalia. One day, she comes home to see her father getting assassinated by people sent by the crown. She is subsequently kidnapped along with her sister, Ming and forced into a secret group called "The Sheperds". This is a group ordered by the Fire Lord to do all his dirty work for him, mostly assassinating people he wants dead. Ming is in the Fire Lord's clutches as a reminder to Nalia what she could lose if she screws up.
Honestly, this has to be the most badass setup I have ever seen in a fanon. It has all anybody who loves action could hope for. Betrayal, suspense, and lots of moments in which your heart skips a beat. I have not read any more fanon by Omashu Rocks, but I can tell he is a great writer.
The story itself has now seventeen chapters plus a prologue. This story is so great, I read it in less than a week. However, what will happen next is only known by the author.
Plot = 9.2: The story has a great setup and is very original right from the start, with Nalia getting captured, and later separated from her sister. The plot is amazing, and like I said before, completely badass. The story is mostly easy to read and understand, and very intriguing. The only reason I feel you lack those eight tenths is because sometimes your grammar and spelling make sentences hard to really understand what is really going on during a certain scene. Try to check your story more thoroughly before you actually publish it. You will find that you often find things that not even you agree with.
Character development = 9.7: In my opinion, this part of the story is amazing. You see Nalia transforming into something she could never have ever dreamed of becoming. You see she is hot-headed and the author has successfully created her very own personality. You get to experience Nalia's pain, her suffering, her longing for seeing her sister again, and the part I personally like, her maddening, loosing sanity. Asking herself if her father would approve, something also very credible. The author certainly impressed me here! :)
Writing = 8.5: The writing part is where I feel the author slips a little. I may not be the best with grammar seeing as English isn't my native language, but there were quite a few mistakes I could spot. When you write, I know sometimes it can be tiring. Here's a tip; when you finish the writing, leave the screen on preview. Do something else for a while such as getting something to drink or just doing something that helps you relax. When you get back, read the story again and correct the spelling and grammar mistakes. A lot of them can get past you if you don't pay close attention.
Try using more commas to make the reading easier, in some parts even semi-colons or full stops if necessary.
Like I said, there aren't too many mistakes, but they can be spotted. Try to work a little on that area.
Organisation = 9.0: The author does a great job organizing the story. Nalia is constantly on the run trying to get to someone else with one overall goal: get Ming back. There were a few parts in which I didn't really know if the author just made it up as he went or actually gave it some thought, though. Parts like in the Fire Sages' temple. Nalia was supposed to kill the Avatar who was there. Not only that, but she got a note from Sozin himself telling her that if she succeeded in the mission, she and her sister were free. In the end, however, the Avatar wasn't even there, and Nalia didn't get her sister back. The way the writer really displays the story was marvelous in my opinion, but I did get lost sometimes, especially during action scenes. It was rare, yes, but when I did stumble upon them, I had to do a full stop and reread the last few sentences again to be sure what the author was trying to say specifically. This area is mostly good, however, so keep it up!
Believability = 9.5: The story is very believable seeing as it basically shows the history of mankind. Someone having another's persons loved ones and using them as leverage to get someone to do whatever it is they want them to is something that sadly happens more often every day. Overall, the story is very believable because of what I just mentioned, but It did seem weird to me that Nalia became so violent all of a sudden. It maybe could've been a little more believable if she had been left in shock after killing someone, or if she had cried uncontrollably, but she seems to be okay with it as long as she gets her sister back. However, I feel that maybe you tried to replace this with her always questioning if something she does is something her father would like or be proud of? I hope we get to explore that area more often. Maybe that is something we will see in the future? Only you know, OR^^"!
Total score = 9.18
Some advice I can give: Everything about this story is so great, I don't think that there is too much advice I can give you except to fix the punctuation and grammar. Try to make the reading easier with commas, semi-colons and periods. Like I said, I don't speak English as my first language, but there were a few easy mistakes I could spot out. Like I mentioned before, do something that relaxes you, take a little break and when you come back, reread the entire thing like even you don't know what's gonna happen.
Why I am enjoying the story: The author is really making this an enjoyable story, with fast moments, slow moments, sad, and exciting ones as well. This fanon is one of the first ones I read, and I loved it right from the start! The character development is what I really like about this story, and you can tell how much the author likes and enjoys writing it.
Comments: I hope that you get to finish this fanon as I am really liking it. Keep trying your best with every chapter like you currently do, and when the time comes to put an end to the story, make it an awesome one! Keep up the great work, Omashu Rocks! I look forward to future chapters!