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Chapter Twenty: The Siege of the North, Part 2
A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 20: The Siege of the North, Part 2.
Previously in Avatar: Zukaang wins. Hahn needs to die. Katara’s a bad@$$ Waterbending Master now.
I’m writing this one without spellcheck. How fun!
Excuse me if I make any daang spelling errors; I’ll try to fix them, but . . .
Onto your regularly scheduled programming!
In the meantime, while they leave Momo—without alerting anyone else, like Pakku, Chief Arnook, etc. that the freaking Avatar has gone freaking missing, since that’s not something you do or something—he incidentally eats both koi fish . . . or he tries to. Hilarity and hijinks ensue! The crowds loved our new slapstick, fart-humor comedy, The Koi and the Momo.
And no, it’s not about wolves, especially not badly CGI’d wolves.
While Enma—just add an extra e!—noisily tells Aang to shoo, the poor monk ends up running into this little guy . . . the scourge of a thousand gamers.
I still sometimes wake up in the night.
Because Navi is coming.
It’s also the reason I can’t watch Avatar—blue monkeys—without dying halfway through.
There’s blood on the walls. It says REDRUM. And a knife lodged into my game console’s . . . uh . . . throat?
And speaking of which: They're not fireflies . . . but freedomflies! Right, Sokka?
You know, Avatar’s pretty funny when it comes to light. For example, we have destroying beams of light that somehow do absolutely to Aang—even though they cause buildings to disintegrate—as well as the fact that a spirit can somehow block light, but fine, whatever . . . and then we have this.
I don’t care if it’s the daang Spirit World . . . light doesn’t work that way.
But apparently Bryke and Erin Hunter had a nice good chat that went something like this:
“So I noticed on the cover of The Darkest Hour that you’ve got Fireheart—”
“The names, they are a-changing. Fine. Firestar. And he’s looking into the water, but he sees himself as a lion.”
“Right . . . because I have a prophecy: Four shall become two, the lion and tiger shall meet in combat, and blood will rule the forest.”
“Wait, but Firestar and Tigerstar never fight. They don’t meet in combat.”
“. . .”
In the meantime, all over the world, Warriors fans’ head explode.
Foe yay, man. Foe yay.
Oh come on. Zuko . . . dressed in a spy outfit—anyone up for some Spy vs. Spy Zuko vs. the Blue Spirit here uh-huh-huh?—tying up an unconscious Aang . . . with rope . . . in the middle of a blizzard . . . in a cave . . .
After having an argument with a Zukaangist—I was trying to disprove Zukaang, which . . . is actually pretty easy, for obvious reasons—I found out that this is one of the most commonly cited, uh, evidences.
Do you know what I just realized?
All three of the Zutaraang shipping triaangle . . . happen in caves.
Kataang in the Cave of Two Lovers.
Zutara in the Ba Sing Se catacombs.
Zukaang in this cave.
Of course, of the three, only the top one works.
Watch out, Korra. Don’t get in a cave with anyone.
Especially not Mako.
Me: “Hey, there, M. Night! Hey, hey, big boy, chubby tubby, what’s up?”
Night: “I’m not fat . . .”
Me: “But your ego sure is! Say, does it feel nice to know that you’ve totally ruined your daughters’ dreams, hopes, and wishes?”
Night: “They love the movie . . .”
Me: “Oh, I’m sure they love the movie, just like I love going to see that creepy aunt with all the puppets, the bad dumplings, and the five tons of lipstick.”
Night: “You like that?”
Me: “The sarcasm detector has imploded.”
Hahn runs in—apparently everyone else on the mission died, bailed, or found the kitchen—and somehow sneaks in even though his uniform is eighty-five years off . . . gets up all the way to Admiral Zhao . . . and dies.
Because no one dies like Ha-ahn . . . no one flies like Ha-ahn . . . no one drowns before our angry eyes like Ha-ahn!
My sister is particulary peculiar. She likes all guys over forty. Indiana Jones . . . Obi-Wan Kenobi . . . Ozai . . . the list goes on and on.
I’m surprised she doesn’t like Iroh, but I suppose you can’t like both Ozai and Iroh without incest shipping . . . but she does like both Zuko and Ozai . . .
[cough cough cough]
I love how Iroh has the . . . what do I call it? The . . . there’s a word here. The blank to shake his head pitingly as Hahn dies.
Let’s play Mad Libs. Who can fill in the blank?
Secret library, secret library, secret secret secret secret library!
It is time.
It is time to introduce . . . [drumroll] . . . my favorite character in all of Avatar.
That’s right kiddies, potassium hydroxide is my favorite character in all of Avatar.
Now, what’s this here? Is that what I think it is? Surely not . . . no . . . no . . . it can’t be!
It’s Koh the Face Stealer!
You can steal my face any day. [waggles eyebrows]
Koh: “I . . . I’d prefer not to . . .”
And now it’s time for an interview with Koh the Face Stealer!
Me: “So, you can steal anyone’s face as long as they are, mmm . . . showing some emotion?”
Koh: “Yes. I’m quite proud of my skills.”
Me: “How many faces do you have in your menagerie?”
Koh: “Quite a few. I’ve never counted, but I have enough to be able to disguise myself as anyone.”
Me: “What are your reproductive habits?”
Me: [steals face]
That’s so ironic Toph can Metalbend it.
You know, I made a bet with my sister that I’m not the only person who likes Koh, so I searched Koh fanart.
Even I don’t like him that much! Don’t look for Koh fanart. Seriously. And that’s not even counting the “strict mature” on which I didn’t even click.
So, you know.
But I did win the bet. Hah!
Her: “There’s a whole fanclub for Ozai. It’s called Sexy Ozai.”
Me: “I don’t care?”
Her: “But you should—”
Me: “No! Gr.”
Well, actually, I can’t say much about Koh, per se. My sister’s into Predators. I’m into Aliens—xenomorphs—and I mean a la Aliens vs. Predators.
So, you know. ;3
I can’t believe Aang can keep a totally blank, straight face. I mean, come the freak on! Look at that giant thing! Just . . . look at it! This is the stuff of nightmares! This is worse than that horrible Human Centipede: First Sequence film, and that is getting a freaking sequel! Holy freaking monkeyfeathers!
And Aang, who is normally bouncing all over the place, is just like . . . =|
And then Aang realizes his face has gotten stuck that way. Forever.
He’s turned into Z-z-z-zuko!
Also, Koh’s an idiot. You don’t turn away from the person. You keep looking at them. [facepalm]
You know, a lot of people hate Zhao. Hey, I hate him too . . . but I’d like to justify his reasoning here really quick. This isn’t going to be funny, so feel free to stick ahead to the next bit. ;3
All right, kiddies, firstly, Zhao was under freaking orders. I like to think that he was taking out the Moon Spirit so that there would be no Waterbenders. Take out the Avatar, and boom. The cycle, it is broken.
Now, why does he kill a spirit? To non-spiritual people who don’t understand, spirits are like unfeeling beings. Think about it. If a demon dog suddenly materialized in your house, would you try to take calmly to it, or would you either run away or attempt to somehow kil/stop it? Exactly. Zhao sees the Moon Spirit as an all-powerful demon-thing that needs to die. Because we see it from Aang’s POV—the spiritual one—we have a totally different view. Plus, they’re not humans; they’re just fish, in Zhao’s eyes, and just like everyone else who’s ever gone fishing with someone who likes to see fish flopping around, breathing the last breath . . .
You know that I couldn’t resist.
On the way back, both Aang and Yue have a spirit headache.
It must be shipping!
Quick, quick, someone draw up explicit Yuaang—Aangue?—images and slap them all over the net!
On another note . . . Yurra = yuri?
Okay! It’s time to play Common Sense—Do You Have It?
Right, so. Zhao has the Moon Spirit in a bag. Okay.
Then he sets it free.
Then he sends up a giant flame into the water’s surface, because he doesn’t agree with setting it free.
But the flame looks like it’s hitting La rather than Tui, if you look at it . . .
And then Zhao just runs.
And Tui has no burn marks.
So . . .
Common Sense—Do You Have It?
Do We Care?
Play by play.
Me: “But we still have like five minutes to go! It can’t be over! What are we going to do for the rest of the time, watch the animators wash cars? Get eaten by giraffes? Stab themselves with cucumbers?”
“No, it’s not over.”
Me: “Avatar State for the freaking win! Death upon you! It’s time for Aang to go ballistic! In three . . . two . . . one . . .”
La stares blankly into Aang’s eyes.
Me: “You know, you don’t seem like an all-powerful spirit. You just seem like a dumb fish.” [cough]
Aang falls into the water.
Me: “Oh my spirits Koh ate his face!”
Avatar State theme.
Me: “Oh, okay. Time to kick some @$$.”
Mm-hm, clearly no burn marks, nothing.
By the way, I wanted to say something here that really bothered me. So I understand that the Avatar State itself keeps Aang from being frozen inside of Koizilla, but . . .
See, Katara and Sokka go from wearing a coat to not wearing a coat to wearing a coat again, right? Since they go from cold to warm to cold?
But Aang, on the other hand?
That, right there, is absolutely freaking rght.
He doesn’t have a freaking coat.
No, no he doesn’t . . . and he doesn’t freeze?
Even Zuko gets a new outfit! And Iroh!
Wait, Zuko gets a new outfit every episode. Never mind. >_>’
Zuko: “I’m stylish! I need to keep up with the latest fashions!”
Aang: “I’m the Avatar! I need to break the laws of physics!”
Sokka: “Physics? You can’t break the laws of physics!”
Aang: “You should try it sometime.”
The only thing that the Gaang knows about Iroh is that he is totally and utterly bad; he shot fire at them . . . uh-huh . . . and beyond that, he’s kind of been on Zuko’s side the whole book, right? And yet, here, they totally listen to him.
What? Oh come on! What in the world is going on here? I’m sorry, but seriously? This terrifying thing has opened up a portal to another dimension nooooo! a dimension in which an orphaned boy who lost his entire family but has super magical powers, an identifying mark on his forehead, a smart young girl, and a goofy boy sidekick has to go on a quest to learn “magic”, face the Big Bad, and save the world—and while he is saving the world, the Big Bad himself has to cause his own demise by attempting to kill the hero!
What? About what was I speaking?
Do I need to make a Harry Potter joke?
“Ha, ha, I turn out to be good in the last book!”
“Are you serious?”
“No, I’m Severus.”
I mean . . .
So she puts her hands on the fish, and I’m not going to comment on the “magic healing abilities” part, but come on, seriously? By the way, why was Yue’s backstory in this episode? Couldn’t they have moved it into a previous episode? Even 119! It would have been much better in my opinion.
And then she just . . . falls.
Now, I don’t know how spirit exchanges work, but I’m just going to respect the dead and not beat on Yue—on whom I wouldn’t beat anyway—but . . . come . . . on . . .
Sure, sure, go ahead, don’t check her pulse or breathing or anything else. That would be far too gruesome for a kids’ show, and we can’t have that, right?
Some, uh, bad language ahead!
If you’re not okay with that kind of stuff, please skip!
Don’t make me hit over the head with Aang’s staff!
And yes, there was a joke in there if you squint, and it’s not the obvious one either.
Three . . .
Two . . .
One . . .
And if you’re not okay with it but are still going to read it, I warned you.
I’m sorry, but . . .
Look at that.
Can you not say molestation?
Just . . . look at that. Every. Single. Time. I see that. Just . . . what. The. Fudge. Either one of the animators had a terrible childhood experience, or no one in the entire animation studio realized like what that looks.
People ask me why I like Avatar: The Last Airbender better than I like Hopefully, The Last M. Night Shyamalan Movie. I usually reply quite simply:
In Hopefully, The Last M. Night Shyalaman Movie, Aang magically opens his water chakra—hey, stupids, you open the earth chakra first! Spirits, you don’t know what the monkeyfeathers is going on with yourself, do you?—and uses it to raise a giant wave.
And then he just puts it down.
You know like what this sounds? Remember the end of Act II of 321? Yes, he does the same thing, but there, it actually makes sense. Aang has matured. He’s not looking for a crazy amazing spirit attack—he’s looking for peace.
In Avatar: The Last Airbender, we get Koizilla. End of freaking story.
Also: What in the @#$% is with that CGI shot of the boats in the gray sea? It looks . . . freaking . . . horrible. That’s the only CGI’d image that sucks in this entire show.
I can totally imagine Aang waking the next morning with the biggest headache in the history of headaches . . . in a hotel room with a couple other guys and either a tiger or a monkey, depending on the version, like the difference between Pokémon Red and Pokémon Blue, that you go to see.
Yes, I can bash that film. Yes, I just did bash that film. Yes, I will continue to bash that film.
And I lied. I think both of the Pokémon games have larger differences.
I thought that the whole point of the Ocean Spirit was that La needed to use Aang’s energies, but apparently he can get around fine by himself, so why didn’t he stop the freaking killing of the freaking Moon Spirit in the first place?
All right, all right, I’m done. I’m just. Freaking. Saying. Holy. Freaking. Monkeyfeathers.
And Zhao is far too good. Nuh-uh. He would rather die by drowning than get help from Zuko. Actually, we don’t know if he died or not. I’m just saying.
I was sure that Aang and Katara were going to kiss.
But then Bryke just slapped my face, spit in it, and stepped on my toes.
When I first saw this, I was worried Avatar was getting into that whole “nyan nyan villain a season” type of thing that I think Nick asked Korra to do.
Gr, I hate you so much, Nick.
Drum roll please.
I said drum roll please!
This is our very third episode which is a five!
This episode . . . is a 5.
Koizilla, Yue’s sacrifice, the end of Yukka—no! I will ship Yukka forever! Nyan nyan!—that quote at the end—
What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!
See you next time!
~The Avatar Demotivator
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