Chapter 19: The Siege of the North, Part 1
A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 19: The Siege of the North, Part 1.
Previously in Avatar: Sexist people dying. Waterbending. Pulling strings. Oh yeah, and semi-adultery.
This is Sangok. He later goes to become Korra’s grandfather.
All right . . . all right . . . waiting . . . waiting . . .
[hides from the sudden missiles that explode all around her]
So you see how, in the course of several days or weeks—it’s not very clear—Katara becomes a Waterbending Master . . .
But it took Pakku years to learn?
Wait wait wait.
This would be like someone learning to write Korean . . . in two weeks.
And yes, that is a reference to the Island.
“You know what I hate about this spinach puff show? All right, so let’s use our cabbage head for a second . . . that little annoying weasel [TAD: That’s . . . uh . . . Momo, actually.] is always inside of Aang’s shirt . . . and occasionally even his cereal pants! And you know he is! Well, the coffee creators stopped that kind of oatmeal after season one [TAD: Book One, actually.] because they realized that there was far too much . . . French fries . . . bestiality!
“Except in Lake Laogai. Definitely some in that.”
Yue seriously needs to make up her mind. This is ridiculous. Sorry.
But . . .
Holy monkeyfeathers . . .
First, she likes him.
Then, she runs away.
Then, she asks for him to come with her.
Then, she reveals she’s betrothed.
Then, she kisses him.
Then, she runs away again.
Now, she’s snuggling with him
I mean . . . come on!
What kind of romance is this?!
This is reminding me of that Hot and Cold song—the one I refer to as the Why Zutara Doesn’t Make Any Sense song—
Just please, Yue.
Just . . .
Pick some freaking thing! Just pick something! It’s not exactly that difficult to pick something!
She changes her mind like a girl changes clothes.
She is a girl.
. . .
[slaps on a scarlet letter]
And by the way, that book is terrible.
Okay, okay, okay.
All right, question.
The Laws of Infiltration are pretty simple . . . most of the time.
1. Use an uniform that is exactly the same as all of the others. On no instance should you use one that helpfully reveals your particular difference.
2. Do not remove the uniform under any circumstances . . . especially in the hallway . . . the random open hallway . . . where anyone can see you.
3. Do not whisper quietly to a random official. People will become suspicious. And find you. And kill you.
And did I mention that you can @#$%ing see his @#$%ing scar?!
Also, it would have made more sense for them to make us believe that Zuko was nice and dead or something for just one episode, rather than killing him in the middle and bringing him back in the end.
You know, people make sitcoms about the craziest things. Polygamy . . . wizards . . . pop stars . . . what are they doing to do next? Child abuse?
Tune in for another exciting episode of Chains—based on a true story!
. . .
So what in the world is going on here? I’m not understanding. Yue, just pick something. Seriously.
Not that hard.
Wrong word choice there, heh heh.
What does Sokka hope to accomplish here? Does he really think that, hm, by . . . say . . . oh, I don’t know, killing himself and therefore comittitng involuntary suicide is going to get him any closer to Yue?
Yue: “Well, if he turns into a sparkly vampire . . .”
Harry Potter: “I should have killed him when I had the chance.”
Instead, what’s going to happen? Oh yeah—Sokka would be dead, so think about every other episode without Sokka in it . . .
Did you just get terrified out of your mind?
Because . . .
I . . .
Sure . . .
Was . . .
I mean, he’s the one who comes up with the Day of Black Sun plan—and that’s just the tip of the iceberg.
And a tumbleweed tumbles past . . . except it’s made out of ice . . .
And then we get a whole bunch of cowboys . . . on ice . . .
And holy monkeyfeathers, when did we walk into the Disney on Ice version of Davy Crockett, and did you seriously just get the Davy Crockett song stuck in my head?
Born on a mountaintop in Tenne—
No! Get out of my head!
Out out out!
Sadistic pacifism, for the win!
I mean, seriously. There are more explosions in this scene than in an entire Rachet and Clank game.
Okay, let’s put that ten percent of your brain that functions properly—ha, ha, ha, did you know that 86.345% of all statistics are made up on the spot?—together and think about this one.
You have Appa, a giant sky bison, with Aang, the Avatar.
Then you see Aang make a home run, Avatar style. Come on. Baseball bat anyone? Also, there’s a Zaang metaphor in there if you squint closely enough, but judging from my previous experiences on the Wiki, even I know not to mention—le cough—that.
Wait, so, I have a question. So if a giant flaming fireball is coming towards you . . . you can seriously just whack it out of the way with a short wooden stick? Hey, military, I totally have an anti-missile idea for you! Just hit the missiles out of the way with baseball bats!
Avatar physics! The best physics in the wo-o-orld!
So my point is that why couldn’t the Waterbenders do that ice thing first, before Aang had to run in? And why wouldn’t they just use the ice to, I don’t know, destroy the trebuchets, too?
Hey, I’d like to take advantage of that, too.
This is clearly the bestiality episode, because Appa freaking saves Aang by asploding everything else, and Aang shares a particularly . . . tender . . . moment with the sky bison.
I’m just saying.
Take a look at some of the screenshots, specificially at Aang’s expression
I’m just saying . . . I’m just saying . . . I’m just saying . . .
We never exactly see all of these ships. They just sort of hang out in the harbor . . . and then stuff happens, and they all get asploded.
Where are they?
Where are they all?
. . .
Based off of my personality scores—you know, in one of those stupid tests you have to take?—I am a truly sadistic pacifist. I am also extremely anti-sexist—even though I do enjoy a good sexist joke.
Sample conversation [before marriage]:
Hahn: “This is the same your dreams come true.”
Yue: “What do you know about my dreams, Hahn?”
Hahn: “Plenty! A frozen hunting lodge, my latest kill roasting on the fire, and my little wife massaging my feet while the little ones play on the floor with the dogs. We'll have six or seven.
Yue: “Polar bear dogs?”
Hahn: “No, Yue! Strapping boys, like me!”
Yue: “Imagine that.”
[Imaginex Adventures commercial starts to play.]
Hahn: “And do you know who that little wife will be?”
Yue: “Let me think . . .”
Hahn: “You, Yue!”
Yue: “Hahn! I’m—I’m speechless! I don’t know what to say!”
Hahn: “Say you’ll marry me!”
Yue: “I’m very sorry, Hahn, but—but—I just don’t deserve you!”
If you get the reference, you may have this strawberry upside-down cake.
“No, the cake is a lie!”
Please, that meme’s oversaturated.
“Like sugar can be in water?”
Was that a science joke?!
“Absolute zero is the coolest!”
Guys, watch out! Monkeyfeathers is making science jokes!
“Gaston and Le Fou are as straight as a pair of parabolas!”
Well . . . that’s actually true . . .
Sample conversation number two:
Hahn: “Want to hear a joke?”
Other Guy: “Sure!”
Hahn: “Women’s rights!”
Yue: “Dear, the little ones need a new bla—”
Hahn: “Where my food at, woman? Go back to the kitchen where you belong. Make me a sandwich.”
Other Guy: “A ham sandwich.”
[bro-fives are exchanged]
Wait, wait, wait . . . can we please use our ostrich horse sense here? Okay, so, Aang got back from playing
violent videogamessoldier and is far too tired to go on, because without the Avatar the many Waterbenders can’t do anything.
Also, a random question. Why does the Fire Nation—whose opposing element is freaking water—have a far more advanced navy than the Water Tribes?
Good grief, Bryke, if you’re going to be illogical, at least be logical about it!
Hey, Buttongoo, want a fruit tart?
[bakes some fruit tarts]
In fact, how about fruit tarts for everyone? We can have a massive fruit tart tasting!
It’s massive, sweet, and syrupy.
Mm . . . better start cleaning up then!
[leaps through the television]
“Sword up, Hahn! This is a fight!”
Hahn: “Sword up?” [waggles eyebrow] “Nah . . . you’re too ugly.”
Me: [brandishes sarcasm] “Please! I would engage in a war of wit—but I will never fight one unarmed!”
Grid: “Is that because you’re a Predator?”
Me: “Is that . . . a xenomorph?!”
Hahn: “. . . what am I, chopped liver?”
Ratbert: “This liver has an MBA from Harvard!”
Me: [runs off with Grid] “What can I say? I always liked the mysterious type.”
Hahn: [to Ratbert] “Where did you come from?”
Ratbert: [innocently] “Arthur’s nightmares.”
Just look at the expressions and take this screenshot out of context.
We don’t see this kind of thing until one of my favorite episodes—313.
But onto to that in the appropriate blog!
In the meantime, Chief Arnook pounces on them, mostly because he’s like Minerva from Harry Potter, if you can recall my reference from And the Philosopher’s Stone.
Hey, I just realized that my spell check is no longer working.
Thank you so much, Microsoft Word! Just . . . thank you so much! You know, if the entire world ran off of Microsoft, then we never would have been able to magically hack into that alien mothership, and the title of that movie wouldn’t have become an accidentally hilarious pun!
[The 7.5 movie’s epilogue sucked, by the way. Just leave before the epilogue—do you some good.]
All right, all right, all right.
So we’ve learned that the Waterbenders totally get a 1up at the full moon.
And how do they spend it?
Doing absolutely nothing.
While the Northern Water Tribe just sits on the collective donkey all day, the Fire Nation is bidding its time to strike when they are super-powered.
Why did you attack them during the freaking day?! Why not the freaking night, when it actually makes more sense to do so?
Because you have no tactical strategy.
Oh, and you suck.
But what did I mean?
The world may never know!
Well, well, well.
There’s a double innuendo there, if you look closely enough at what I said.
All right! I want each and every single one of you males with girlfriends in the crowd to waltz up to her parents and tell them you want to protect her and be her bodyguard.
No, no, go ahead, I’ll wait.
[waits for the correct demographic to leave, and probably some of the other demographics as well]
Well, actually, there’s no need to wait for them, because they’ll never come back.
I mean, what the monkeyfeathers? Does Chief Arnook want Sokka and Yue to get it on? Stop throwing him bones, you dirty chief!
Oh, there’s another pun in there.
If you squint.
On an unrelated note, Bryke thinks it’s Yuokka, not Yukka. Why can’t
HollywoodNick get it right?!
Right . . . right . . . it’s apparently once again to play how much common sense do you have?! Starring our hosts, Mr. Stupidity and Miss Bellum!
[hands out paper hats and Russian saucers]
Because we don’t have any common sense.
Right, right, right. Okay, question. How long can someone hold his or her breath underwater?
[one Google search later]
Okay, here’s the answer:
In regular water, it’s 45-75 seconds.
In water colder than sixty degrees Fahrenheit—which Arctic water definitely is—it’s shortened to only 15 to 25 seconds.
In water at forty-one degrees, which it may be, the number was as low as 9.5 seconds.
Holy freaking monkeyfeathers!
Especially coupled with the fact that Zuko looks around, sees the hole, and then doesn’t come up for breath again. Just dives in.
Even if we assume he passively Firebend-warmed himself—which is totally a Firebending skill in my opinion; Tibetan monks can do that, fools!—it doesn’t excuse the physics and timing.
Oh, and the fire hands.
The fire hands.
Aang’s on drugs. Sorry. But wait, it gets better! Just you wait for 313, folks.
Then Aang gets some roofies.
A lot of people decided to use this as Zutara support.
I can’t see it.
Why don’t I see it?
Because it’s not freaking there.
You want to know the truth about Zutara? You really want to know the truth about Zutara? It’s all because of jealousy. See, most of the female fans of the show identify themselves with Katara. Katara is like the “Avatar-them” . . . and Zuko is the guy that most female fans think is “hot”. So . . . to see the “goth girl” get the “hot guy” and for them to get the “kid brother” is a little jarring . . . so most of Zutara can be written off an jealousy.
The other half of Zutara can be written off as . . . selflishness! Zutarians have completely disregard for the actual characters of the show. Instead of allowing the characters to make decisions, the Zutara camp makes decisions for them as if Zutarians could control with whom they fall in love.
In other words:
Zutarians are selfish, jealous, or both . . . or haven’t seen the show. Take your pick, Zutara.
And yes, you can quote me.
It’s Zuko and Katara fighting over a comatose Aang.
And do you know what the best part is?
And then Zuko carries Aang over his shoulder.
Like a bride.
Daangit, Bryke. Why? Just . . . why?!
This episode . . . is a 4. I can already hear the complaints.
It’s not good enough! Blah blah blah! The Waterbending Master was way better!
Hey, it’s my opinion.
What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!
See you next time!
~The Avatar Demotivator
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