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117: The Northern Air Temple Demotivated

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Chapter 17: The Northern Air Temple

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 17: The Northern Air Temple.

Previously in Avatar: It doesn’t matter, because the only person who ever cared about it was Aang; Katara seemed to totally forget or something. Funny masks. Jeong x2.

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Aang. He laughs at gravity all the time. Heh-heh-heh, gravity.

So I have a totally random question. Why are they still walking around in Water Tribe clothing or, in Aang’s case, Air Nomad clothes. Wouldn’t it make far more sense to, I don’t know . . . change clothes or something? Just a thought? You think that no one is going to notice the giant arrow on Aang’s head? It’s kind of hard to miss.

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You know, this would make a great movie poster. Just slap Aang’s random floating head somewhere. Yep. I’m sure that’ll work.

But you can’t just have him be looking straight head. He should be looking off to the left of the poster—that’s his right—and maybe wearing the same pair of sunglasses for each poster. Yeah. Oh, oh, and maybe his fist and/or foot can be punching out and be bigger than his head. You know, because he’s Kung Fu Action Jesus. Oh, and can we put in some Jesus controversy there, too? Yeah, that’ll sell it . . .

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“Trust me, she doesn’t need protection.”

Woah there, you mean your girlfriend’s barren or something?

[drums]

Okay, okay, in bad taste, in bad taste, I know, I know.

Meanwhile, back at what is being loosely called “the plot”, Aang wants to sulk some more, because he thought that there would be Airbenders, but clearly actually flying around in the air doesn’t count, because they have hair.

Aang: “It’s just not fair! How come they get everything . . . and hair?! It just . . . makes . . . no . . . sense!”

Teo: “It’s okay. Want to borrow my Pimproh audiobook collection?”

Aang: “I’m not taking lessons from a man with hair.”

[approximately a book and a fourth later]

Katara: “I like your hair.”

Aang: “I have hair?”

Me: “Oh yes you do . . . oh yes you do . . .”

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Let’s review, kids.

What is Airbending?

Airbending is the ability to jump onto a vertical wall, air scooter along it while keeping your glider right next to your head, and then leap off of the wall and back onto the glider.

That, my friends, is Airbending.

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Spirits, is that in-universe fan art? Yes, yes it is. We have officially reached a new low.

Oh, and I’m a hundred percent hundred that Teo is yet another Aang faangirl. You can quote me on that.

Now, feel free to skip this section, because it has nothing to do with Avatar. Just scroll down to the next little weird-color thing. It’s called a hyperlink. Note the position of your hand. It is attached to something called a “dorak”, and if you know Russian, you know exactly what I mean.

I’m writing this at a Russian Squat-Dancing Festival, because my mother insisted that I broaden my cultural horizons or something of the like. Allow me to tell you one thing: In Russia, Aang would die. I’m an on-again, off-again vegetarian, so I ordered a vegetarian patty. Checking the ingredients list on the box labeled vegetarian patty—in Russian—I discovered it to be made of “chicken”. I told the cashier, “Chicken is meat.”

“No it’s not.”

Me: “Uh . . . yes it is. Then what is meat?”

Her: “You know. Cows. Dogs. That sort of thing.”

Me: “You eat dogs?!”

Her: “No, no. We just butcher up old ones for meat.”

Me: [backs away slowly]

Fortunately, I found a way to hijack someone else’s Internet. That’s how I’m writing this. Also, I’m sick. Very sick.

I’m really glad the Internet doesn’t force me to write “I’b shick”.

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It’s like there are a certain amount of things that every show needs. A girl power episode, a handicap power episode, a compromise episode, a culture shock episode, etc. Bryke just decided to knock out their power episodes in Book One to avoid them contaminating the other two books. In fact, the only two “power episodes” Avatar doesn’t have are gay power—which, unfortunately, is still feared to cause far lower ratings, which is probably true due to the Church—and African-American pride—because the Avatar world is sort of Asian.

You know, just sort of.

Of course, M. Night Shyamalan begs to differ.

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So . . . the other day, I was looking at the picture of the cover of the graphic novel—maanga?—version of The Last Failbender.

You can see it here: Manga_tie-in2.jpg.

First of all, I couldn’t even see Aang’s arrow until I blew up the image several times. Secondly, why the monkeyfeathers does Aang look like a female cancer patient? I mean . . . seriously? WTF?

Katara looks like she’s praying. “Dear God, please get me out of this movie. Please. Thank you. Amen.”

Sokka looks like a harlot. “Hey there . . . want to rave with me?”

Zuko looks like a biker punk. “You want some of this? You want some of this? I had black bean burritos this morning, and my diarrhea is explosive! Literally!”

But my favorite part:

“Inspired by the summer blockbuster by M. Night Shyamalan.”

Summer blockbuster?

There?

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Imagine if, while you were on vacation in Antarctica—and who doesn't want to vacation there?—someone broke into your house and vandalized the whole place. S/he tore down walls, hung up portraits of your least favorite person, and turned the bedrooms into kitchens and vice versa. When you return, how would you feel?

Wow. The Russian Squat-Dancers are juggling bottles of vodka. What is wrong with them? Where’s the fire? I want fire! I’m a pyromaniac!

Give me freedom!

Give me fire!

Give me reason!

Take me higher!

Freedom is the right of all sentient beings!

Therefore, Michael Bay doesn’t have the right to freedom.

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So . . .

I know that everyone is screaming about the cars and motorcycles in Korra, but you do realize that there were trucks already in Avatar? But more on that in the appropriate demote blog.

How do those wooden fingers work? Strings? I mean, if you can pop them off as one would some Legos, how do they work? Why?

Why?!

Why, Bryke?

Do you know how much sleep I got last night?

Exactly.

You know what?

Exactly.

I went to sleep at three in the morning and woke up at six. My notebook was still clutched in my hands. I was still scribbling about the wooden fingers.

Well, chalk up yet another sleepless night to Bryke.

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Okay, okay, okay.

Let’s use our basic science knowledge, please. Yes? Okay? Okay.

If you have a highly flammable, highly combustible gas, you probably don’t want to let it build up pressure inside your house. This is why you have to open the windows and blah blah blah if you get a gas leak. You don’t just the room. You know what’s going to happen?

Boom.

Somehow, magically, it turns out that the gas leak is coming from outside . . . but then how does the door help, if it’s coming from outside? Is there actually any gas inside the door?

Come on, Bryke! Come on! I’m dying here!

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This scene was so . . . shippy. I imagine they then shared a couple of Battlestar Galactica jokes—“You know that rumor about the Cyclo-Disease? Yeah, I totally believe in that! Want to try it?!”—Star Trek puns—[censored pun about Spock being confused with another somewhat similar word]—and maybe even a heaping of “massage my upper shoulders and throat a la the Doctor?”

You know what?

It’s better to not even ask.

Just . . .

Yeah.

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See, Teo is a faangirl. When Aang discovers that the Mechanist has been using a sacred room in the inside of the temple to make stuff for the Fire Nation—so what was in the sacred room anyway? More statues? Jinju? Hundred-y-earold fruit pies I mean, come on!—and how did the Mechanist get in, anyway?—he becomes naturally aangry at the Mechanist. Teo, instead of standing up for his father, bends like a little reed in the wind to his—her?—faangirling dream and becomes angry, too, except he can’t be aangry. Only cool people can be aangry.

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I feel sorry for all the Teo fangirls, of which there are many, because even though they get to look at this shot all day long, it just can’t compare to not having the character present until the Day of Black Sun, and even then for a limited time.

Also, he looks like a girl in that picture.

[raises hands defensively]

Just saying.

So Aang and his faangirl go all bonkers on the Fire Nation supply man. That scene never made any sense to me. Was the supply man just going to carry away all of the supplies himself? Shouldn’t the Mechanist, I don’t know, like, give the supplies to someone or something? Outside? For loading?

Just a thought.

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So they cheeseburger know that the hamburger Fire Nation is going to attack them, and like a bunch of gooseberries they decide not to do anything?! Do they have any M&Ms brains at all?! What the doodle?! They don’t even prepare! They just . . . what the fudge pops?!

Well, actually, they do kind of prepare, what with the hot air balloon and the—

Noooooo!

O_o [shuffles away]

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I enjoy the little things in life, like wondering why Microsoft Word changed the default language to Spanish again.

Another one of the little things I enjoy is being able to find faangasms in each episode. I’m going to do a “sixty-one” faangasm poster—

Moving right along.

You know, Aang seems pretty darn excited about fighting . . . about fighting . . . about fighting . . .

[crickets]

Man, tough crowd.

I will say this though: Never, ever go onto fanfiction.net. It will scar you for life. Zuko, you should definitely not go. You don’t need another scar.

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Oh my spirits . . .

So, [censored], and [censored censored censored]. While I’m at it, [censored], oh, oh, and [censored]. You know, Katara would [censored censored censored] if he [censored], so she’d [censored censored censored]. He won’t be too happy about that.

Now excuse me while I find my censoring stamp. There we go! [starts to censor]

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Good grief, don’t even start me on this.

Okay, first of all, please stop griping and complaining about the cars in Korra. We have tanks! Actual tanks! There’s a word here . . . but I can’t remember what it is. Motorized? Whatever!

We have tanks!

Already!

Already!

We definitely don’t need any of your crap, Mister Aang-was-the-best-sequels-suck.

Here’s the Avatard test:

1) If you’re excited about Korra . . . you’re an Avatard.

2) If not . . . I hope Koh takes pity on your poor soul.

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I know what you are thinking.

I can sense it, using the Force.

Hint: The Force is awesome.

Now, the question is . . . is it using the Force, or am I using the force?

Well, my Grammarbenders, why don’t you figure it out, hm?

Yes.

There’s right.

That’s an actual motivational poster.

What?

How did that get in there?

What?

What happened?

How . . . how dare I?

That’s it!

I’ve gone soft!

From now on, my demotivational blogs will become . . . motivational blogs/reviews.

I hope you enjoyed the funny, because you’d better wave it goodbye.

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Ha, ha, ha, just kidding.

But seriously, don’t tell anyone.

Oh my God, Microsoft Word, stop it! Stop it! Stop changing everything I write to Spanish?! Does it look like I’m writing in Spanish? Hey, maybe I am. I accidentally wrote a post in German one and had to translate it one ridonkeylous Friday. But come on! I’m actually writing in English here!

Right guys?

. . .

Phew, online translation says it’s in English . . .

[shifty eyes]

Unless, of course, it’s lying . . .

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Good grief, how much was that temple built to withstand? If that were in Japan . . . you know, the place where they built a freaking motorized giant Gundam statue thing—Department of Agriculture, this one’s on you, kl-kl—then I assure you that the United States would have lost WWII, because that thing isn’t going to go down for anything. Giant explosions? No problem. Giant tanks? No problem. Giant atomic bombs? Boring. Molest me not with this boring stuff. If you get the reference, you can have a cookie—and no, Arthur Dent, you’re not allowed to have the cookie, because I know you know the reference.

Even if Ozai himself were to come down and asplode, the temple would probably just shrug and say, “Meh, that tickles.”

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Here we go:

117: “Holy monkeyfeathers, that’s so awesome!”

118: “Okay . . . no balloons yet . . .”

119: “Hey, balloons at the Siege? Yes? No? Maybe? Lobster?”

120: “Uh . . . no? No balloons?”

One year later.

201: “. . . hey look new Avatar!”

Etc.

Etc.

Etc.

More time later. I distinctively remember walking around like a zombie. I’m pretty sure a Camaro filled with pot was involved somewhere, but I’m not entirely sure.

301: “ZomgAanghashair:DDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDDD”

309: “The Firebender won’t be to Fire Lord.”

310: “Dude, this is awesome!”

311: “. . .” [jaws drop open] “Why do they have balloons? And airships? And . . . balloons?!”

[races to the Internet]

[checks for balloons]

But that was like three years ago! How are we supposed to—

[perfect audio memory kicks in]

[repeats the last few lines]

Ah.

Ah.

Thanks, PAM.

PAM: “No problem, TAD.”

I have to give 1s. Why have I decided to give this a 1? After a long talk with a certain someone on IRC, I realized that some people don’t feel like it was very into-the-plot.

Wow.

My third 1 . . .

I must be feeling cruel this month.

Too bad it’s not April!

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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