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116: The Deserter Demotivated

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Chapter 16: The Deserter

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 16: The Deserter.

Previously in Avatar: Aang hurting Katara emotionally. Boat—I mean Bato—get it? Oh, anagrams—and Pimproh action.

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A warning.

Okay . . . instead of doing this blog in my usual seven days, I did it in three. This means rushing. This means unfunniness. This means . . . did I just spell unfunniness as unfunniness? Yes, you know there’s something deathly wrong with me.

Also, Jeong Jeong looks nothing like his poster. <_<’’

So, in this episode, Aang turns into Flynn Rider, and Katara . . . uh . . . apparently has seventy—why seventy?!—feet of magical golden hair.

That turns brown.

And Flynn still loves her, even though she’s not a blonde anymore.

Clearly teaching kids that appearance doesn’t matter.

And telling millions of brunettes that no one can love them until they dye their hair.

Congrats, Disney.

[slow claps]

Congrats.

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Holy shnap Appa just totally disappeared! Woah, where did he go?

And also . . .

What the monkeyfeathers? Really? Going to a Fire Nation fair . . . a . . . what?!

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Hey Vulmen! Guys, read Eyes of Katara.

=]

Oh, whoops, wrong link! How could I mess those two up?

Eyes of Katara.

Anyway:

No, really, from where did they get those bags? And why just two? Why isn’t there one for Aang? Does no one like him or something?

And then . . . and then Aang actually goes dressed like that?!

Shouldn’t Aang have gotten the bag as a priority? You know, arrows?

Katara couldn’t just undone her braid, and ditto with Sokka’s warrior’s wolf tale. Maybe changed up their outfits a little, too.

But . . .

Seriously?

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You know back in the chocolate cake day, there were some actual kids’ pastry cartoons with actually fruit pie violence! And seriously, Tadpole, don’t be a string bean and keep censoring my tomatoes comments. Anyway, we had violence in every single episode, and back then TV was really, really sherbet! I mean sherbet! Like the most sherbet thing you’ll ever see. And now what the burned toast do we have? Yo Gaba What-the-Steak Gaba! Holy cheese that is a lot of LSD right there, and—

The rest of the comment was composed entirely out of food, and I was so hungry, I ate it.

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Aang is the master of overreactions. So Katara, the beautiful princess, is almost attacked by a fire dragon.

A fire.

Dragon.

Aang, you do realize it’s a joke, right? It’s a trick? The fire dragon isn’t alive?

Aang: “Of course it is!”

Me: “Uh . . . what?”

Aang: “See, all heroes need monsters.”

Me: “Uh—”

Aang: “Once I defeat Fire Lord Ozai, what will I do then?”

Me: “Live happily . . . ever . . . after?”

Aang: “No! I know what I’ll do . . .” [shifty eyes] “I’ll start an Anti-Bender rebellion!” [rubs hands together] “Yeah, that should get some heads rolling!”

Me: “Wait, you’re not Aang . . .” [whips off fake-Aang’s mask to reveal Azula underneath] [screams] “Can . . . can I have your . . . your autograph?”

Azula: “My . . . what? Stop wasting my time, filthy peasant, before I shoot you full of lightning.”

Me: “No, trust me. I tried to redirect lightning once. Not . . . fun. Wait, you’re not Azula either.” [whips off fake-Azula’s mask to reveal her sister underneath] [screams] “Oh my God! What are you doing here?!”

My sister: [is thankfully not able to write in this document, or this blog would be nonexistent]

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Because, you see, you should always, always trust completely random older guys in weird clothes that run around at night.

First Bato.

Then Chey.

Whom shall you trust next?

A half-naked Avatar version of Tarz—

[looks at Huu]

Wow. These guys really have no sense of self-preservation, do they?

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“This guy’s like from legend! He’s the smartest, strongest, most handsome, most [censored], and bravest man you’ll ever meet.”

I feel like we’ve heard that before . . . you know . . . some fifteen chapters back.

“Aang is just so brave and strong and wise, and I did my mention he’s the only male in the South Pole even close to my age?!”

And what’s with the random warriors? It’s never explained who they are or what Chey has to do with them. I don’t understand! [grabs head] I don’t understand!

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Okay, I have a question.

Is there anyone in the crowd who finds Jeong Jeong attractive?

[silence]

See, Turtle Girl, I told you you were just that special.

[watches Turtle Girl burst into tears]

“But it’s the two scars on his face! I find scars manly and attractive! That and sparkling!” [wailing] “Zuko has a scar!”

Me: “So, do you find Aang attractive?”

Her: [wailing abruptly silencing] “Aang? What? Heck no.”

Me: O_O “But he has two scars.”

Her: “Duh. Not on his face.”

Me: “Do you find Harry Potter attractive?”

Her: “Lighting bolts!” [dies of fangasms]

[rolls her up in a carpet] [douses her in BBQ sauce] [tosses her outside] “Dinner for the Masters! Enjoy, Ran and Shaw!”

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Okay, I have a question.

Trust me, I’ve fought with fire before—hello, Agni Kai at sunset with blowtorches!—and I’ve never seen eyes reflected firelight that well. That’s ridiculous.

But this, boys and girls, is only a prelude.

So Jeong Jeong decides to teach Aang because Roku pops up out of nowhere. So Roku is wrong for once! Roku is wrong! He’s not all-knowing.

Ha, ha, ha.

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“One hot-squat, two hot-squats, three hotsquats—”

Aang should be happy that the camera is only showing his face . . . awkward . . .

This is why Jeong Jeong refuses to teach him. You see, in order to be a Master Firebender, you have to let go of everything, including Katara.

Also known as Jeong Jeong makes an excuse for why he can’t attract any ladies.

I know, I know, he doesn’t say that. Ignore me. [runs]

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Because Aang is male, he immediately realizes that whatever he does is entirely correct.

Oh, what?

Okay.

Aang is such a cheesesteak piece of beef, it’s not even funny! He just up and macaroni hurts Katara! If I was Aang, I wouldn’t just spaghetti hurt her, I’d [censored] her to—”

Okay, timeout.

No.

No.

No.

Okay?

No.

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Sokka knows exactly what they were doing.

Aang and Katara were practicing their bending.

Uh-huh.

[shifty eyes]

[clears throat]

So the amazing thing about Aang’s sta—oh monkeyfeathers this isn’t IRC, is it?

[censored]

[censored]

[censored]

Oh fudge.

[shifty eyes again]

This is just a big metaphor. Aang is tired with taking it slow. Katara warns him to keep doing it slowly. Aang doesn’t want to, so he just releases all of the bending at once, and Katara is hurt.

Afterwards, Katara’s brother hurts Aang.

Uh-huh.

I see.

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Me: “Do you know what Aang really needs?”

Monkeyfeathers: “Some extra [protection]?”

Me: “Ugh . . . what he needs is a hug.”

Monkeyfeathers: “Wouldn’t you love to kiss him?”

Me: [beat] “What?”

Monkeyfeathers: “You know you would! You and Aang can go frolic around and [censored] all day!”

Me: [pauses the computer] “Excuse me?”

Monkeyfeathers: “Believe it!”

Me: “Oh, oh, I didn’t realize you’d come in here, Naruto.”

Monkeyfeathers: “Ha, ha, ha. You’re jealous because TG has a boyfriend and you don’t.”

Me: If only you knew. “Mm-hm. I’m so jealous of her because she has a sexist, pigheaded, immature boyfriend. Yup.”

[pause]

[silence]

[more pausing]

[more silence]

[silent pausing]

Monkeyfeathers: “. . . okay, who’s this guy, and can I beat him up?”

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Okay, so, Monkeyfeathers should have a rant here, but . . . his rants have become more and more explosive lately. So I told him that until he could write a rant that didn’t need more than three censors on it, he couldn’t write for the blog.

He said fine and told me to try my hand at a rant.

Well, I’m not going to—

[sighs]

Okay, so! The thing is that . . . uh . . .

[blinks]

I don’t understand this obsession with “water = magical healing powers”. Water is traditionally healing, but this is just against science.

Oh no!

My water chakra is blocked!

And my fire chakra!

I feel guilt and shame for beating on Bryke, but . . . write your own daang rants, Monkeyfeathers!

[growls]

Uh . . .

[runs away]

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No, seriously. Do all Firebenders just spontaneously combust? And why is Jeong Jeong so interested in Katara?

Do you see what I see?

Run Katara run Katara run! Steam! Steam! There’s so much steam in this scene!

Can I be there if Aang explodes? I want to take a certain part of him.

[stares at the audience]

I mean his staff.

[stares some more].

The wooden one that opens into an orange fan, you perverts!

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Wait, so . . .

Aang burns Katara.

I’m waiting for an epic Kataangst scene.

And then . . . uh . . . Katara runs in.

To find Aang sitting in the—

Oh, that’s the emo circle. If you’re emo and upset, you sit in the emo circle; it’s a good thing Zuko never heard about it, or he would never, ever leave.

So at first it seems like a Kataangst scene.

And then . . .

“I’m healed.”

“What? How?”

“I'll explain later. But right now, we have to get out here. Zhao and his soldiers are attacking!”

“Where?”

“By the river. They captured Jeong Jeong!”

“I have to help him!”

[facepalm]

Aang . . . no . . . you have to . . . ugh.

Where’s the Kataangst?

Oh well, Love is a Battlefield was amazing. Absokutely mauvelous and awe-inducing.

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You know what?

I am a faangirl!

A faangirl!

I am a faangirl and I will always be a faangirl and I am proud to be a faangirl and this is a run-on sentence and should therefore contain commas and/or semicolons but I am too excited to adhere to the rules of grammar in this instance! I can’t think, I hate pink, my mind’s on the blink, and I’m out of ink.

And rhymes.

Yeah.

So, question to you, Aang.

You just bounce back from burning—possibly foreverscarring!—your love to looking like that?! Good grief, Aang!

I sense the sadism.

Pain and suffering apparently arouse him.

@_@’’

And yes, I did just spend half an hour looking at the image above. Bad me! Bad me!

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So, I have this shirt.

It’s a nice shirt.

It says: ^ Warning: Punabashed Hilarity ^

Get it?

Burn?

Like Firebending?

[falls over snarkling]

Oh the puns are killing me!

Me: “I’m a faangirl and proud to be one!”

Monkeyfeathers: “Mm-hm. You do realize Aang is fictional, right?”

Me: [look of horror] “Whaaaa?”

Monkeyfeathers: “. . . Aang is a fictional character in a television show.”

Me: “Do you know what I think of your stupid logic?”

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I’ve always wondered what happened to Zhao.

[notices the idea floating into her mind]

“What if I write a Zhao POV fanon that details his life both during his appearances and in-between?!”

>.<*

No, ideas! Go away! I’m always writing a one-shot about Aang being able to read chakras—not permanently, thank goodness—and Toph’s feet issues—and yes, Sukka is involved—so I can’t do another fanon! Get out of my head!

[bats idea away]

“No! But I like your head alot!”

Hey, I’m not an Alot!

“What?”

I’m not an Alot, so stop talking to me.

<_<’’

>_>’’

I like hyperboles.

Plus one half.

And pudding!

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[whistles]

Oh the erotic fiction that could be written about intimate healing. Fortunately, I’m a tad too squeamish to even dream of writing that sort of thing.

But I guarantee you that someone else has, and it’s likely available for your viewing on your handy-dandy fanon site. I don’t know, since I don’t read that sort of thing, but . . . Rule 34 does stand . . .

[hushed silence]

So, question.

What . . . what happened . . . to Jeong Jeong and co?

How does Chey survive?!

And why isn’t the burning Katara thing ever brought up again?

Well, except in Love in a Battlefield. But that was ridonkeylous!

And otherwise . . . really?

[facepalm]

[headdesk]

Okay . . . I know, I know. I have to give out 1s sometimes, right? Why am I giving this episode a 1? Because . . .

[inhales]

Aang.

Hurts.

Katara.

And.

Nothing.

Happens.

I hate this so much. They have so much material with which to work! It should have had repercussions! Good grief . . . why . . . what . . .

[shakes head]

I will never understand.

So yes, this is a 1.

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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