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115: Bato of the Water Tribe Demotivated

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Chapter 15: Bato of the Water Tribe

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 15: Bato of the Water Tribe.

Previously in Avatar: Unrequited love, which is now a pandemic in some countries. Aang blushing. Flower innuendo. Oh, oh, and Zuko. Lots and lots of Zuko. So much Zuko, in fact . . .

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You know, I’m convinced. Aang and the Gaang are so lucky, I bet you that he finds a four-leaf clover every time he takes a step.

No, seriously.

In the entire world, there is only one person like Bato.

And they just manage to find him.

Don’t make me pull out the calculator. That’s ridiculous.

“Did you guys lose something?”

“No, we found something!”

Yep.

Perverse dialogue.

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[sigh]

Monkeyfeathers asked for this one, both the poster and the rant.

You know cabbage what? I’m not going to carrot at you, but seriously? We get so much zucchini fanservice for girls in this show it’s ridiculous. I don’t even turnip know what I like in it. Isn’t the radish demographic like 80-20% in favor of girls or something? Yeah. I wonder why. Mr. Hotty Hotman is shirtless in some of the episodes, and, pumpkin, we have No-Kung-Fu-Action Jesus spend [half of, corrected by TAD] book fire with no shirt.

But wait, Monkeyfeathers, most people don’t like—

And you just shut the broccoli up. You don’t think I saw you drooling over some cauliflower Aang [censored].”

Okay, first of all, it was not . . . that . . . because they were official screenshots. And I wasn’t drooling. I was admiring.

Different.

Very.

Different.

Yeah, okay. Point is, more fanservice for men. Korra’s a potato male anyway. C’mon. We need more Ty Lee!

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So, Bato.

Chris Hansen would like a word with you.

“So . . . you take long walks on the beach alone and walk up to strange campfires. You then invite children into your . . . pad.

“Riiiiiight.

“Come here, Bato. You’ve just been . . . Hansenated.”

[cricket cricket]

“Man, tough crowd.”

Meanwhile, at Arkham Asylum:

Bato: “But I am Bato of the Water Tribe! That’s me!”

Insane Person: “Oh yeah? Who told you that?”

Bato: “Ku Fung Action Jesus!”

From the other room: “I did not!”

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Okay, one word.

Taggerung.

One of the best books in existence.

Redwall Abbey . . .

A moment of silence for the end of Redwall.

. . .

. . .

. . .

Okay, back on track. So . . . an abbey? What? What religion do they practice in Avatar anyway, other than shirtless-Zukoism—I’m afraid I’m atheist in that regard—and/or Kung Fu Action Jesusism? I mean . . . hello. Abbey.

Religions.

Especially since they do seem to be “nuns”. Vestiges of the Air Nomads? Or, daangit, just some random piece of crap the writing team decided to toss in?

“So, where can we put the pervert Bato where people will know he’s a good person?”

“Uh . . . an abbey full of good, kind nuns?”

“Yeah! That’s it exactly!”

After some high-fives, they presumably went to poop in some shoes, and if you’ve seen the “Aangst” picture about which I’m talking . . .

The Last Airbender. Sucks.

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Okay. Imagine walking into a room filled with dead human corpses plastered all the—

Hey.

Imagine walking into a Yautja’s spaceship just after a hunt.

Oh spirits . . .

Wait, I have to vomit now.

[vomits]

[wipes mouth]

So, yeah. Aang wanders in to ohmyfreakingspiritsaretheredeadbodieseverywhereandwhatthemonkeyfeathersisthatdeadcatsmell?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?

Presumably, when they get married, Aang and Katara . . . well, let’s just say that Aang refuses to live anywhere near the poles.

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Ah . . . Roald Dahl. Every single time I see this . . .

Let’s have a moment of respect for the man behind masterpieces like Matilda, Boy, and The Giraffe, the Pelly, and Me.

You know what else we should have a moment of respect for?

Katara.

Poor, poor Katara.

She’s going to have the entire Air Nomad culture under her roof.

And you think modern day’s kid-raising discussions were bad.

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Filthy, filthy, filthy. I’m sure that they do not bathe regularly.

Next thing we know, we’re going to have Zuko punching walls and screaming “Vertical filth!” And yes, Ravage, if you get the reference, please stop hitting on Megatron. Thank you.

On an entirely separate note, my mother called Aang Chinese.

[cracks knuckles]

Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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So. Tally off!

June ships Zutara, clearly. And Iroh ships Jinko. Oh, oh, and while we’re at it, Sokka ships anything that’ll keep him entertained.

[allows that to sink in]

[waggles eyebrows]

Avatar Pickup Line #3:

Zuko: “So, this crazy lady thinks there’s some attraction between us. [shifty eyes] Want to prove her wrong?”

So many Zutara arguments claim, “See, June said that Katara was his girlfriend, and he didn’t say something to the contrary! It’s shipping!

So many Sukatara arguments claim, “See, Katara and Suki were in one scene, and no one said anything against them being girlfriends! It’s shipping!

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So Aang, in his monk wisdom—and I wrote that as wiseness twice—and abandonment, decides to

1. Hide the map to Hakoda.

2. Not destroy it.

3. Rat himself him out.

Hey, Aang, want to play poker with me? We can make the game more interesting . . . how about you throw in a date if I win? Then that’s more interesting!

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So June and her shirshu run around everywhere. Okay. Sure.

But wait!

Katara . . . never . . . went . . . to . . . the . . . Herbalist!

In fact, they should have gone to that place where Katara and Sokka lay sick.

Unless, of course, they’re tracking Aang’s scent.

Via Katara’s necklace.

[throws hands up in the air]

Incidentally, Monkeyfeathers wanted to do this one so badly. He really, really did, since he loves insulting Bryke. However, he was unavailable at the proper time. <_<’’ Sorry there.

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Hahaha so Tadpole totally had something like written here but I kicked it cause I really rocky road wanted to do that! And moose tracks, if you think I’m gonna let some pipsqueak girl stop me, you so wrong it ain’t not funny.

[grits teeth]

Wait, you . . . ?

Fine.

Continue on.

Katara never mint chocolate ship visited the vanilla chocolate herbalist lady! That’s just ridiculous. BRYKE, Y U NO GO BY UR OWN napoleon PLOT?! Y?! Y?! And cookie dough at least make the cookies and cream fortuneteller a little scared, no?

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They tried to undo the innuendo here by switching Aang’s and Katara’s positions, but now it’s even worse. Vulmen brought this to my attention, so I’m just going to milk this.

Okay.

So.

Katara, the female, is . . . rubbing a mast.



Okay . . .

And Aang, the male, has his hands on the side of the boat. But . . . what shape do the sides of the boat make?

That’s right.

Either some animator decided to slip this in, or Bryke’s much, much more innocent than we thought.

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Har har har, so that’s what Aang would look like with a unibrow, and for some reason that word isn’t in the Microsoft Word dictionary! Instead, they replaced it with “unicorn” AutoCorrect . . . twice.

So that’s what Aang would look like with a unicorn?

You know what?

I can totally imagine that. Sorry.

Unicorns and ice cream and rainbows and butterflies and flowers.

Aang: “I’m in heaven!”

Insert Katara in her swimwear.

Aang: (>^o^<)’’

Katara: “Uh . . . Aang? Aang?! Guys, help me! Aang fainted!”

Me: “I don’t think he fainted . . .”

[drums]

Psst. Wipe that unicorn off immediately.

So I have a question about the whole ice dodging thing. Okay, I understand the point, but . . . Katara isn’t that good of a Waterbender yet. And I don’t see how the Airbending helped. But whatever. They lived.

[phew]

And Aang is a retard. Sorry. Fact of life.

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Bato: It’s a wolf, separated from the pa—

Katara: You mean platypus wolf.

Bato: No, the script just says wolf.

Sokka: Certainly you mean a skunk wolf.

Katara: Or his armadillo bear.

Sokka: Gopher bear‌?

Bato: Just . . . wolf.

Me:: This place is weird.

“No wonder she ran away. She’s way too pretty for you.”

Ooh, take that, Zutarians! Zuko was just called ugly.

[eyes widen]

[takes cover]

[watches the mad crowds of Zuko fangirls run to Bryke’s houses]

[listens to the Zuko fangirls scream gibberish in Russian]

[sigh]

It’s always Russian.

It’s either Russian or Middle Eastern.

But usually Russian.

I’m looking at you, Golden Compass.

[watches as the world explodes into fire]

Hey, wait, Zutarians! [holds up a picture of Zuko in 317]

[watches as the Zutarians drop their weapons]

Mm-hm, okay.

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Ooh the fight in the Abbey!

Hey, Aang’s back.

And now it’s time to get back to your feature presentation: Appara versus Nylara!

Watch as these two monsters battle it out for domination of Tokyo [again]. Can anything stop them [again]?! Or will Japan be reduced to a pile of rubble [again]?!

But wait! There are Gojira and Mothra [again]! Here to save the day [again]!

And I mean Gojira as in the fifty-foot Japanese monster, not as in the pitiful, uh . . . “band”.

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Aang’s fight with Zuko.

In a well.

You know, Avatar is the only show, ever, that causes me to yell at the screen. Well, not “yell”. But you know what I mean. Even though I’ve seen it a hundred times . . . Avatar’s just special like that.

Me: “Dude! Look at that! Oh my . . . he’s like running around inside a well!”

Monkeyfeathers: “Well, Zuko just blasted the top off of—”

Me: “Zuko! You idiot! You can’t circle walk against the circle walkin’ mastah!”

Monkeyfeathers: “What?”

Me: “Ba Gua. It’s off of what Airbending is based. Circle. Walking. Right there!”

Monkeyfeathers: “Uh . . . okay.”

Me: “I’d let Aang walk in circles around me any day . . .”

Monkeyfeathers: O.o* [edges away from me]

Me: [glances at Monkeyfeathers] “Didn’t you say the same thing about Ty Lee?”

Monkeyfeathers: “Yeah . . . but . . . for different reasons.”

Me: [pause] [falls off chair laughing] [gets up] [rewinds to beginning of fight] [drools]

Every time I watch this, I keep thinking: “You have something on your mind. Something I need . . .” in regards to the betrothal necklace.

That’s right!

It’s symbolic!

Aang steals marrying Katara rights from Zuko! Flying kick-a-pow!

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“Now, kids, you shouldn’t take drugs.”

“Now I know!”

“And knowing is half the battle!”

Oh, G. I. Joe and Transformers, how I wish those commercials would go away . . .

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Avatar Pickup Line #4:

Iroh: “Whoops, didn’t mean to put my hand there! But baby, one look at you and I’m paralyzed like I was hit with shirshu spit!”

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Oh my spirits! Aang . . . gives . . . Katara . . . a . . . betrothal necklace!

[starts singing]

And said, Marry me, Katara!

You’ll never have to be alone—

I love you and that's all I really know

I talked to your dad; go pick out a blue dress

Baby just say . . . yes!

[waits for it]

[waits for it]

[waits for it]

[stares]

[screams at TV]

Say yes, Katara! Say yes! Say yes! Saaaaaaaay—aw monkeyfeathers!

Fail.

Well, he did get a cheek kiss . . .

[wipes eyes with a tissue]

I hate you, Bryke.

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Shortly afterwards, Aang discovered that he was no longer completely a monk.

Fact #1: Last episode, we found out Aang has a crush on Katara.

Fact #2: This episode, Katara kisses Aang’s cheek.

Fact #3: Next episode, Aang hurts her, but she forgives him . . . but nothing happens.

They gave two episodes of Kataang.

And then forgot about it.

Rawr!

Okay . . . I love this episode to death . . . but daangit . . . it’s a 1.

I have a love-hate relationship with this episode.

It’s so . . . sad.

It makes me feel dead inside, watching Katara abandon Aang.

So . . . yeah.

[sniffles]

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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