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Chapter 14: The Fortuneteller
A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 14: The Fortuneteller.
Previously in Avatar: The best episode in Book 1. No, seriously. Running, jumping, and Zaang shipping. Just about sums that up.
There used to be this show called Pocket Monsters, and there was one episode of that particular show that caused massive seizures in children all over Japan. Some people call this episode “Computer Solider Polygon”. Others call it “JAPANESE SEIZURE CONSPIRACY!!111111!11111!!!!1!!!!1!”
Well, this is that episode.
Now please excuse me while I very loudly scream “Kataang” at the top of my lungs.
Sokka knows that Aang loves Katara, and . . . he doesn’t do anything? Clearly, he likes Kataang. See? See? It’s proof! It’s proof!
Also, a hint of foreshadowing.
He’s seen pretend-kissing the fish.
Is that a foreshadowing to Yue?!
She has been discovered!
She must flee . . .
Oh spirits help me. I just can’t take this episode seriously. First, we have someone almost get mauled by a platypus bear. Who laid an egg.
I can do a reasonably accurate platypus bear impression . . .
[drum roll please]
[clears throat again]
[inhales in preparation]
It’s that extra g.
Anyway . . . yes, umbrellas are a Japanese love motif. I also have written an umbrella-themed ABCLAF chapter.
Though Aang looks particularly short next to Katara. Wow. I never realized Aang was that short until, well, his episode.
I heard he was 4’8 or something . . .
Or was it 4’2?
. . .
Hey, hey, hey, if anyone knows how tall Aang is, or approximately—I think Courage knows—let me know in the comments.
Would you just look at how much Zuko is in this episode?! Good grief. He’s practically in every scene! Why, this entire thing must be about him. I mean, really, Bryke? A whole episode about Zuko?! And the Zuko fangirls thought it would never happen!
. . .
No, seriously, where’s Zuko?
Enter Meng. She’s a sweet, kind girl with unmanageable hair, an annoying smile, and a hopelessly romantic soul, bless her heart.
Gee, she sounds a lot like me.
Meng is also the kind of sweet, kind girl who can easily use the word “floozie” in a conversation.
Gee, that sounds a lot like me, too.
And yes, there’s a reason I’m purposefully misspelling it. I have been warned not to use offensive language.
Well, I’m not.
You see, Meng has a crush on Aang.
Wait . . . is she my clone or something?
This is like the time I predicted they would do a TV series on the Flintstones as kids, and then it happened, or the time I predicted there would be a Star Trek movie, and then it happened, or the time I predicted they were going to make a Cars 2, and then it happened.
I tend to predict stuff like this.
Well . . .
I predicted that there would be a character just like me in Avatar.
And you know?
And then it happened.
I Meng don’t doesn’t end up with Aang.
Because, of course, Aang is the only powerful bender, ever.
Let’s just start listing off.
And those are just off the top of my head.
Also, a question to MSWord: So, whenever I make a list of unintelligible words that aren’t words in Spanish, either, you automatically switch it to Spanish? Is this some kind of racism of which I’m not aware? I mean, what the monkeyfeathers, MSWord?
Anyway, back on topic: Aang, you aren’t necessarily the world’s only powerful bender.
Now . . . imagine if she had written something like this:
“You will marry a powerful Firebender, one capable of even redirecting lightning itself, although he will sacrifice himself for you, in the process being struck by deadly lightning, and you shall have to heal him; he will be involved in an awesome conflict between good and evil, and the outcome of his battle will forever change the world. By the end of his adventures, he will have acquired a pair of scars, though said adventures are riddled with not only a terrible past but a frightening and dangerous future.”
Oh the controversy!
. . .
[keels over laughing]
I . . . cannot . . . believe . . . they . . . slipped . . . in . . . a . . . self-service . . . joke . . .
[laughs her daang head off]
[Monkeyfeathers runs in]
“Hey! Nice! I get to finish off the rest of the demote! Hey, hey, hey. Name’s Monkeyfeathers. I was gonna register but turns out there’s already a user with that name, like what the lobster man. I hate Kataang. Just gonna say that straight out. Katara’s, like, his mum or something. Maybe a lettuce older sister. C’mon, it was cookie lampshaded in 3.08! Don’t be strawberry with me. I mint hate Zutara, too, but I guess anything’s better than pomegranate Kataang. Me? I go for Jetara because it pudding makes sense!”
[TAD runs back in]
I have taken the liberty of removing all of the curse words in the above with food words. Mm. Tasty. Sorry, Monkeyfeathers.
And what do you mean, you hate Kataang?!
“It won’t work. She’s two years older than him, Tadpole. Older women relationships never work out.”
But . . . it . . . does . . .
“It wouldn’t. This is a hamburger anime!”
. . .
Actually, it’s . . .
You know what?
Read Alphabet Laugh.
Would you like me to tell you exactly what I think of M. Night Shyamaloser?
He’s a [censored] with no [censored] who [censored censored] my [censored censored censored censored] with his [censored censored]. And furthermore, [censored censored censored censored censored].
This is what I would like to do to him:
Me: “Hi! I’m your biggest fan. Care to come by my house for tea?”
M. Night: “. . . ?”
Me: “That’s all right. Here, have some. It’s ginseng. Earoh’s favorite.”
M. Night: “Hm . . . my tea tastes strangely of bitter almonds . . .”
Me: [laughs] “Bitter almonds? You’re joking.”
There she is again.
Aang . . . doesn’t really give a monkeyfeather, does he?
Let’s copy/paste something from my upcoming Aang analysis blog.
“Aang is so deeply in the throes of a crush that he doesn’t care when Aunt Wu tells him of his “awesome conflict”—about which he already knew—and if he had been thinking properly, he would have realized that he could have asked Aunt Wu various things about the conflict.”
. . .
Like: “Am I going to win said conflict?”
“Will I be in the Avatar State?”
“When will it happen?”
Just intelligent questions.
You know what? Don’t make me pull the lei and flower jokes; I’m saving those for 316. ;3
Do you guys know what a flower is in slang?
. . .
Avatar Pickup Line #1:
Aang: “So, Katara, want to see where this arrow on my forehead’s pointing?”
When I originally made the poster, I was making a harvest joke. However, two different people, one of them being Monkeyfeathers and the other being my Blogger-in-Chief, pointed out to me that it doesn’t quite . . . look like an arrow.
“It’s an . . . arrow?”
“Instead of seeing what they want you to see, you have to open your brain to the possibilities.”
Remember that height thing?
What do you guys think?
Will Aang end up taller than Katara? Sokka? Bato?
It’s interesting, as Aang’s only twelve, and girls tend to outgrow boys early on; Katara is ahead of him by two years and is about a head taller. It’s ninety-nine percent certain he’ll outgrow her. Aang seems like one of those tall, skinny guys. A beanpole, and I say this with great respect, I assure you.
So how tall is Aang?
Aang, take Aunt Wu’s advice. Be yourself. Have patient. Defeat Fire Lord Ozai.
Then you’ll get the girl.
Oh yes Aang does. Just look at that. Look at his hand placement and the girl’s—and guy’s—expression. Now, now, I know they’re just surprised.
Forgive my gutter mind.
Just a warning: The latter half of this will not be very funny, due to me just having been severely traumatized by the movie Enemy at the Gates, and if you happen to know my heritage, you know exactly what faces I was imagining onto the carcasses floating in the water and/or being consumed by ravens.
Thank you for understanding.
Aang, giving a girl a flower is not the proper away to go about something! Then you’d be deflowered! See, it should be the—
Too . . . many . . . flower . . . jokes . . .
See? The delicate flower is consumed by the flame? Oh good grief. This raises another rather unique question about Firebenders. Firebending is controlled by emotion. Hate and rage—in, for example, Zhao’s case—or passion and life—in Zuko’s.
I feel so daang sorry for Mai, and I’m not just talking 116-style.
My, my, they’re quite . . . close, aren’t they?
Though no, Sokkaang is just not funny enough as Zaang.
Oh oh oh random question! In the comments . . . are you in the whole Yurra shipping bandwagon going on?
I made the great mistake of looking up “korra yue” just like I looked up Zaang initially. I couldn’t believe there would be anything that bad.
Don’t look it up.
Until further notice, I am hesitantly predicting Korreelo shipping, though clearly shipping this early is ridiculous. I’m not shipping it, only predicting it. I want to see if I’m right.
Avatar Pickup Line #2:
Aang: “Hey, baby, want to come gliding with me? I can be on top . . .”
Sly Cooper! Oh my . . . I want one. Naow.
I can has Thievius Racconus? And my apologies if my Canis Latinus is incorrect in this case; I haven’t played the game in quite a while.
So, let me get this straight.
You were looking for a flower, and you found a volcano.
Thank goodness for infatuation, or everyone would be dead.
Well, the Zutarians already are, but who cares about them, right?
Now you’re going to steal a cloud-reading book.
Is nothing sacred?
I’d like you to imagine that in a five-pack-a-day smoker’s voice, preferably a blonde with a handsome dosage of the most common superpower around.
Or Meng’s voice.
Either one works.
Or, hey, my voice.
Also known as Meng’s voice.
Because me and Meng, we’re as alike as two peas in a pod, which aren’t actually alike.
So . . .
Me and Meng, we’re as alike as . . . me and Meng.
I’ll get back to you on that.
Demotivator versus Generator
Stupid computer software > 14-year-old relatively brilliant faangirl
I had to remake this one, because for some strange reason I had “THAT’S RIGHT, AANG” twice.
If you haven’t watched 306, just skip down to the next DP.
Both Roku and Aang suffered at the hands of a freaking volcano. And Roku had Sozin to help him. Well, okay, Aang was better prepared.
But why couldn’t Roku do that crazy Airbending Aang just did?
Aang is bad@$$ery incarnate, and if you have a copy of the button about which I’m talking, I need to offer you a high-five now.
And a pancake.
Can’t forget the pancake.
Katara could make a killing being a p—
Actually, I’m not going to go there.
[cowers under a desk]
I’m sorry, Vulmen! I couldn’t resist!
Me: “So, can I give it a five please?”
Monkeyfeathers: “Like watermelon you can!”
Me: “Seriously. It’s one of my favorite episodes. I’m a hopeless romantic. Oh come on! You have a girlfriend!”
Monkeyfeathers: “It’s a one. I hate Kataang.”
Me: “It’s canon.”
Monkeyfeathers: “I’d rather ship Katara with persimmon anyone. Even Azula would be better. But an older girl and a younger guy? Yuck yuck yuck. Aang’s going to end up cheating on her.”
Me: “He is not! What’s wrong with you?”
Monkeyfeathers: “Look, I’m just saying. Girls prefer someone with experience. Someone who give them what they want, too. Someone who can perform.”
Me: “Wait . . . I thought we were talking about Kataang.”
Monkeyfeathers: “I just don’t feel like a blueberry twelve-year-old can, well, perform.”
Me: “. . .”
Monkeyfeathers: “What? Why are you staring at me?”
Me: “Even when I say that, I’m joking! Spirits, what’s wrong with you?”
Well, we compromised. It’s a 3.
What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!
See you next time!
~The Avatar Demotivator
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