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Chapter 13: The Blue Spirit
A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 13: The Blue Spirit.
Previously in Avatar: Emotions running W-I-L-D, and that’s to you, my “beary” wild friend. Aang needing a hug. Zuko needing a . . . well . . . imaginary hug.
So Zhao has once again found the Avatar. I’m sorry, how ridiculous is this? Okay, okay, let’s think for a second and assume that hey-ho Zhao’s not using Madame Lulu like Count Olaf, but that it’s just another coinkydink.
Well, in the midst of all this ridiculousness, we get to see the very amazing Yu Yan Archers, also known as the most bad@$$ , mother-effin’ characters the Avatar world has to offer. How to become a Yu Yan Archer? It’s easy.
1. Have proof that you are, in fact, the most bad@$$ person you know.
2. Be able to withstand getting the tattoo. And you have to tattoo yourself.
3. Go up against a real Yu Yan Archer.
4. Die. Die painfully.
5. And if you don’t die, congratulations! Now we know your meat is suitable for sacrifice to the gods.
Aang, while stumbling around in the forest, can’t find gingerroot, thus failing the quest. He has a right to complain; it’s not his fault the local fox antelopes weren’t dropping what he needed. Instead, he finds a mysterious treasure chest; opening it, he reveals—
Well goodness gracious, what could that be? Surely it’s not a—
It’s a map!
See, I told you to listen to the Consultant.
In the meantime, Aang is not at all concerned about finding a cure until holy diet shnapple Katara’s sick! Gotta run, gotta panic, gotta run around in a circle, gotta go cure Katara daangit!
Well, monkeyfeathers. He has to go cure his love interest.
Well, it’s Angela the Herbalist and Solembum, except Solembum is lookin’ purdy darn shabby. While
Eragon Aang looks for some interesting things, Angela has her own schedule. You see, the cat always comes first. Solembum gets his din-din, also known as a magical potion that lets him destroy the Fire Nation, as we see in episode 115. And just you wait for the dragon bones.
We’ll see those next episode, silly.
In the meantime, however, Angela is a Zutarian, so instead of giving Aang a cure, she sends him off, hopefully to die.
What she doesn’t realize is that we’ve just entered the terrifying world of Zaang Shipping.
“It’s been over an hour, and you haven’t given the men an order!”
How dare he! Clearly, Zuko has to go around giving orders every three seconds. It’s how he makes himself feel better. Some people prefer talking to friends; some people prefer kissing; some people prefer watching others suffer and laughing in their faces, also known as
my sister Azula.
And trust me, if living with an Azula isn’t enough, I’ve also got an Ozai and a Zhao with whom to contend.
Even Mai gets the drill. “You know what would make you feel better? Ordering some servants around!”
Now, the eternal question.
Which girlfriend? The clearly canon Mai or the clearly-not-into-him Katara?
[listens to the Zutara fans]
Can’t you all just . . . shut up or something? Just, like, do us a little favor?
. . .
Yeah, I can’t shut up about Kataang either.
Mai gets the drill. [wipes tears from eyes]
See, at this point all the rage was between Kataang, Zutara, Hatara, and Jetara, not to mention Sokkatara and Motara, the only understandable ship in the entire show!
Well, well, well. Katara isn’t the only character capable of reproducing, and Aang’s had his ships, too. Maang, Kokaang, Kataang, On Jaang, and so on.
Zuko, as well. Throughout the series, we had Jinko, Zong, Maiko, and Zutara, though, of course, the most common ship was Fanko—that is, Zuko and a fangirl.
Well, well, well.
That’s all about to change.
Because this episode introduces my favorite crackship. Note. Crackship. As in, it’s a joke. I don’t actually ship it.
Just saying it by way of disclaimer.
Did you hear me?
I. Do. Not. Ship. Zaang.
That’s to you [cough cough the person who assumed I ship Zutara because of a single phrase in ABCLAF, a clearly Kataang fanon cough cough].
That’s right, little kiddies.
This episode introduces . . .
Which, sadly, has more proof than Zutara.
See, Zuko’s the emo boy, and Aang’s the “pink boy”. They’re obviously meant for each other. Why, you can see it clearly, can’t you?
[desperate rabid shippers’ voice]
Well, here we meet the Yu Yan, also known as Avatar’s Chuck Norrises, not counting Zuko, of course. These guys are so bad@$$, they went back in and both fathered and mothered themselves. And while they’re at it, they are also the direct reason for why you exist.
One day, one of the Archers used the restroom. From that stream of urine came you. That is how insignificant you are to the Archers. You are made of their urine.
Their freaking name means jade eye. I mean, come on!
Okay. I want you to take a look at that picture really quickly. What does that look like to you? I don’t know, but to me it doesn’t look like anything.
So let me tell you what the Yu Yans are up to.
To what the Yu Yans are up.
And don’t correct me, KFAJ. Don’t you dare.
That is a completely vertical cliff.
Spirits, the music is enough to make you terrified, but oh my my my.
They are falling down a vertical wall, and they look like that.
The archers then fire rope-arrows into the trees and just start swinging.
And their faces never change.
It’s like a bad rerun of Transformers: Energon, except that at least those had two expression: Mouth open and mouth closed.
Expressions don’t believe in these guys.
So these guys don’t believe in expressions.
In fact, most things don’t believe in them.
Like, hm, fear. Or anxiety. Or pain.
So they don’t believe in them, either.
Okay. You are running away from Princess Monoke arrow demons and some other ostrich horse poop—if you catch my drift—and you have several choices.
(1) Run! Run! Run!
(2) Attempt to fight them.
(3) Hide in the woods somewhere.
(4) Double back to your friends.
(5) Stay in the open and go pollywogging.
Cha, I lied.
What Aang does is actually the best option.
Thank [insert deity here] that Yu Yans don’t exist in our world.
You know, here we just have to deal with the CIA, James Bond, and Canadian Mounties.
[stares at Canadian Mounties]
On second thought, can I join the Avatar world?
Do you see that face?
I promised Art I wouldn’t make another joke like this, but I have to.
Wolverine really likes to run around and pick fights, but he’s immortal. He’s allowed to do that.
That slimy little salamander toad up there?
He shouldn’t pick fights. He might die.
[hint hint spoiler spoiler cough cough nudge nudge wink wink]
You know, via drowning.
By the Ocea—
I didn’t say anything. You must have me confused for the other TAD. You know. Tobacco Acquisition Disorder.
Zhao insults the crap out of Aang. Zhao insults the Air Nomads, for monkeyfeather’s sake! Seriously, Zhao?!
Zhao: And no one is coming to rescue you.
Famous last words!
[grabs an AK-47]
[climbs into TV]
[pew pew pew]
[watches Zhao’s dead body fall]
[slices through Aang’s chains]
Aang: Are you here to rescue me?
Me: C’mon, baldy. I don’t want to be here when the Zaang shipping kicks in.
In the meantime, Katara is most definitely, definitely sick, but she doesn’t go delusional. So . . . question . . . is this disease sexist or something? Does it only attack males with delusion? Is that it? Do females just get the cold bits? What, disease, think we females can’t take it?
Also, remember, quite nearby is a fisherman who also weathered the storm. And guess what? That’s right. He should be sick too, but apparently he dies because I don’t think they have any frozen frogs or Angelas over there.
You know, the first time I watched the episode, I thought that the Blue Spirit had sent that messenger hawk earlier.
So this is the Blue Spirit. Gee, I wonder who could be behind the mask; never mind that you can hear Zuko’s Theme/Fire Nation Theme as part of the song that follows.
That, in fact, was what made me realize it in the first place.
So, with that blunder aside, the Blue Spirit completely and utterly just sneaks them everyone. So how does he get from the undercarriage to the inside in about three seconds?
And finally, when they go to unload, the Blue Spirit just runs right out like a crazy daredevil or something. Surely someone must have seen him race across the freaking unloading area into one of the towers!
“No! Go back to being frozen!”
“Like WTF does Aang keep of his junk? Like his staff [TAD started giggling uncontrollably at this point], all the money, and crap. It’s like he always has his staff with him, even if he doesn’t. Against the laws of physics, Bryke! WTF is wrong with you?! WTF?! We saw in 1.9 that he apparently has a kangaroo pouch thing in his pants, but that’s disturbing. This show is sick. WTF do you make this show sick, Bryke? WTF?! WTF?!”
. . .
1. If you hear any disturbing noises or see the ripped-off helmet of a dead, wounded, or kidnapped fellow guard roll past you, please blow the horn.
2. Afterwards, remain at your posts until reinforcements arrive.
3. At this point, leaving five or six guards at the door, take a team of four or five to investigate the disturbance.
Protocol for these guys?
1. If you hear any disturbing noises or see the ripped-off helmet of a dead, wounded, or kidnapped fellow guard roll past you, just send in one guard to check it out. Listen to his screaming.
2. Afterwards, sent two and let them both be knocked unconscious.
3. At that point, please attempt to blow the horn which now has a knife through it. Be beaten by a bucket. Because walrus buckets give you +400 DEF, of course.
Okay. I’m going to say this nice and slow, just really nice and really slow.
So you have a sudden ninja run in to attack Aang.
And then you cut to a commercial break.
[dies under the carpet]
[TAD 2.0 pops in]
well liek naow u haff 1 les fan rite rite am i rite duh?
am i rite?
yah yah tats wut i thot
so liek cmmrcl brks r not cul, kk?
[K.A.T.L.A.R.A. mode activating]
[kills TAD 2.0]
I didn’t think you guys want to deal with her.
Okay. Let’s take a look.
So Aang totally had a clear shot to the outside. Instead of, I don’t know, taking it, he grabbed a spear—a lethal weapon—turned around, went to the effort of breaking off the head, and raced back to help the Blue Spirit.
Zaangers: “It’s proof that Aang loves him! Aang would die for him!”
Me: “. . . eh?”
Why are bad guys so expendable here? They don’t even die! They just get blown away, and that’s it. What then? Do they just leave because they’ve suddenly turned into cows or something?
And all right. A quick cup of coffee.
And if you get both references, you get a spinach puff!
Right. If I say anything about this picture, it’s going to be deleted, so I’ll just keep my mind in the gutter over here and my blog safely on the Wiki.
Here’s to you, Buttongoo.
Riding on a wave of innuendo, the [censored censored censored censored censored censored]. Naturally, this isn’t the sort of thing to be put into a kid’s show, so they sort of downplayed by pretending Aang had been c-------d.
Daangit, stupid Italian singing fads!
My, my, my, Aang’s looking a little pained.
Monkeyfeathers. The rest of the comment is totally censored.
Strangely, that doesn’t seem like fear, more like intense discomfort . . . like uncomfortable awkwardness . . . like—
Oh spirits, someone restrain me! Monkeyfeathers! Help! Help!
[chains herself to the floor like Crazula]
Why is my mind always in the guuuuuuuttteeeeeeeeer?!
See, Zhao doesn’t really give a monkeyfeather; he just wants to show off those Yu Yan Archers of his, and he knows it.
And now, the Blue Spirit’s folly. Well, number one, that entire scene is very disturbing if you think like me. Two, didn’t he think something like this was going to happen?!
Well, the Yu Yan Archers are so bad@$$, they don’t even speak. It’s a bunch of mutes.
What is it with Avatar and mute archers?
[gasps in horror]
Oh my spirits . . .
Longshot is a Yu Yan Archer in training!
No, no, no. I lied. That’s not what he’s saying.
“You . . . you mean that masked spirit that [censored censored censored], he was Zuko?! It’s a dream come true!”
And now Avatar can finally degrade into that Romeo and Juliet-style sitcom everyone wants to watch. Well, Aang reaches over the Blue Spirit’s body, removes the mask all careful-like, and stares into the fact of his
lover worst enemy. Wait. Is there a difference?
[refrains from making a really tasteless Agni Kai joke]
Let’s think about this for a moment.
Your friends are sick and dying.
Daangit, they may already be dead.
And instead, Aang perches in a tree for several hours.
It’s the next morning!
Well holy monkeyfeathers!
And then Aang a little “speech” that sounds more like a love letter.
“The two of us, we'd get in and out of So Much Trouble together.”
Please examine the above statement from a perverted standpoint. I have, for your assistance, capitalized the words to which you pay attention.
Yes, that’s right.
My mind is that far in the gutter.
Quick! Call the rabid fangirls!
Both Zuko and Aang are being emo. Aang needs a hug.
Sokka: “Aang, how was your trip? Did you make any new friends?”
Aang: “No, I don't think I did.”
Me: [pops out of nowhere] “Oooh yes you diiiid!”
If they were Transformers, I’d make a sparkbond joke, and if you get the joke, wtf are you doing reading Transformers fanfictions, and I dearly hope that they weren’t MOP ones.
Drum roll please! I said drum roll please!
This is our very second episode which is a 5!
I don’t even feel like I need to explain myself here. It was just an altogether perfect episode. It introduces the fact that Zuko is an anti-hero, not just a villain. And at the end, when Aang saves his rear end, Zuko Firebends at him, but Zuko isn’t angry afterwards. It’s as if they’ve reached an understanding of respect.
What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!
See you next time!
~The Avatar Demotivator
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