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112: The Storm Demotivated

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Chapter 12: The Storm

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 12: The Storm.

Previously in Avatar: I’m not sure, since no one actually watched it . . .

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Before I begin, I’d like to point out that I’m not using AvatarSpirit.Net anymore, because they didn’t have the screenshots I needed. So I’ve switched to Piandao.org. And—and do you know what else Piandao.org has?!

http://muyo.org/archives/atla/banners/sledding.png

Wait, wait, I need to die right now . . . just a second . . . Yep. It’s official. I’m in Faangirl Heaven.

Now, to Aang’s dream . . . Holy monkeyfeathers, what the—

Get Peeta and Haymitch! It’s another one of those dreams. Get Peeta! Now!

Aang: Don’t you I’d rather want Kata—

Me: Shut up, you twenty-two minute acid trip, Catnip.

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So food eats people.

Okay, please raise your hands, people who liked The Matrix.

[counts]

Right, good.

Now, please raise your hands, people who understood The Matrix.

No, Sokka, you didn’t understand it, put your hand down.

I said put it down.

Sokka.

Fine.

About what do you think The Matrix is?

. . .

Slow-mo bullet falling scenes?

[strokes imaginary beard]

Yeah, actually, you just got it.

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If you recall, about three or so episodes ago, they’d run out of money. Clearly, even though this is some time later, the situation has not improved. And yet, the Waterbending scroll is gone.

[grabs head in horror]

Did they sell it?

Wait, I know!

Let’s ask the circle birds!

[cricket cricket]

I’ll be here all week . . .

So, yep, even though Katara was clearly not wanting to sell the scroll, I s’pose they did.

Oh the horror!

Hey, if anyone can find a picture of the scroll after this episode, leave it in the comments!


Edit: Actually, never mind this section. I forgot about 210. [giggles]

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All together now: R-E-S-P-E-C-T.

Hi, Trillian here.

Recently, I’ve been getting some letters complaining that my blog isn’t “educational” enough. [huffs] What, my blog not be educational?! Come on, don’t you guys learn plenty from me?

. . .

. . .

. . .

Yeah, that’s what I would say, too.

So, here’s a quick history lesson. Back in the day, pointing with one finger was considered rude, but the kings and queens—in addition to having a personality crisis with the Delightful Children from Down the Lane and using what’s known to historians as “the Xenomorph hive mind royal we”—also would use two fingers to point at people, because back in the day, that known as disrespectful. And then other people started to copy that. And eventually the dinosaurs got P.O.’d and came back and squished everyone.

And Frankie mouse and Benjy mouse were obviously not thrilled.

Sadly, Africa doesn’t have fjords.

What?

Where’s my tea?

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At this point, all the Zuko fangirls started screaming, because everyone knows what this means!

Zuko’s gonna be shirtless! Yee-haw! Hey you fangirl, make like a cowboy and—what? Oh, right, right, I keep forgetting the age appropriateness of these blogs.

[waggles eyebrows]

The fangirls have been waiting for this since 103.

And do you know what?

What?!

Do you know what?!

Tell us, TAD!

You ain’t gon’ get it!

Hurr hurr durr herp-a-derp.

Now, sadly, Pimproh wants to be the resident pimp, so he breaks up some shirtless man time, perhaps of hopes of getting some shirtless woman time.

Also, Bryke received multiple, ah, threatening letters in the mail, mostly from various religious institutions.

But have no fear, faangirls! Just you wait until Book 3. Then you get to see plenty of Aang.

But you Zuko fans will have to wait until, let’s see, what, 317? And even then, it’s all of about thirty seconds . . .

[snarkles]

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In the meantime, Aang is clearly going through some serious mental crises.

Hey, hey you, someone call in the psychoanalysis! We’ve hit gold, people. Gold! We’ve found the monkeyfeathering end of the rainbow!

About three episodes ahead of schedule, Aang announces that he isn’t trustworthy and up and leaves. The fisherman hires Sokka instead of his wife—wait a second, he pays his wife?! Why?! Is she one of those Kenyan women from the 2007 crisis?—because clearly the moral of the story is, “Do your menial labor or you will die in a hurricane.”

This fisherman is like the Grinch of the Avatar world. Instead of being happy because the Avatar’s back and the world will be saved, he basically tells Aang to go jump into a lake. Who do you think you are? A Fire Nation spy? I mean, seriously, people like Jet eat people like you for breakfast. Minus the cutesy little lolcat noms.

More like manly grunts of “more blood!”

Also, would you believe that the man is over a hundred years old? He clearly says that he remembered the last hundred years of war.

[gasps]

He’s an Immortal! Slay him! Slay his immortal face off! Oh my God! Call Alanna the Lionness!

Well, that’s some moral.

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I’d like to give a shout-out to the animators over at the animation studios—J.M. and Tinselhouse I believe, my apologies I am incorrect—and I want to say thank you.

The show looks absokutely awe-inducing, and that is surely saying something.

And no, animation isn’t just “done on a computer”, you dirty rednecks, it’s done by hand.

At 24 pictures a second, if I can recall correctly.

What does they mean?

If they want a single minute of animation time, they need to draw one thousand forty hundred and forty four drawings. I can’t even draw one! Tell you what. If you can draw 1440 drawings in sequence and make them this good, I will bow before you and lick your grubby little feet.

Take that, you “oh, it’s just a computer” idiots.

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No wonder Aang ran away. Between this and the seven-year Air Nomad mating ritual—[nods at Vulmen]—being a monk was pretty terrifying.

Look at that facial hair! There are probably thousands of fecal bacteria teeming in it, just waiting for Osmosis Jones to try to arrest them. And then do you know what will happen? They’ll eat him like a cannibal in between throwing wild disease-ridden drunk parties. Because everyone knows germs just love to throw fiestas. That’s from where the term “party germs” comes, right?

What, you’ve never heard of it?

[scratches head]

Gee, I wonder why . . .

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Right, right. Back when the show aired, every fangirl was screaming because “omg omg omg zukos scar is liek sooooooooooo ttly hawt!!!!!!!!!!!!111 am i rite?” and every other fangirl was screaming because “ikr!!!!!!!!!!!111111111111111 ikr!!!!!1!!!!1!” In the midst of all this random screaming, we suddenly get this. Firstly, he doesn’t have a scar. Secondly, he’s not emo. Thirdly, he even has a cute little lock of hair that hangs down. And lastly, he doesn’t have a scar.

Oh no! Well, you see, Zuko hasn’t been killed by his father yet, so Carlisle hasn’t been able to turn him into a vampire yet. No worries, he’ll be emo soon enough.

Plus, I think young, thirteen-year-old Zuko is cute. All together now: D’awwww.

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See, before this episode, we’ve clearly just been bumbling around and doing nothing but having crazy innuendo-filled adventures, much like, say, SpongeBob and Patrick, whose name, by the way, is not Rick. Now we have some backstory, and suddenly, boosh, the story is about fifty times deeper. No, no, I’m sure it isn’t a coincidence that Aang confides in Katara at the same exact moment in time as Iroh tells the crew. Like, exactly the same. And I’m sure Sokka is confiding in the sour old fisherman, too.

“And then there was the time I had two fish hooks stuck in my—”

“Yer what? Yer thumb?”

“No, no, that was another story, this one’s much more, ah, painful—”

Sprinkle in pickles-and-eggs joke a la Sinbad: Legend of the Seven Seas to taste.

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Okay, okay, okay, let’s back here.

So Aang is the only kid with tats. Cha, Aang must be “the man”. Wait, except he’s not. [scratches head]

Wott?

It turns out that only Airbending Masters have tattoos, and the reason they knew Aang was the Avatar was because he received presumably before turning twelve. Think about it. We know the show lasts at least nine months, and we also know that Aang did not celebrate his birthday in this time period—or that it was, at least, never shown onscreen. Thus, Aang would have had to have received his tattoos within three months of turning twelve or possibly while eleven.

Good grief.

That would be like graduating from med school with a Ph.D. at twelve.

As my friend on the Island would say, in between bites of lobster-cake, “Does not happen!”

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Kicked out of the courtyard by those little bastard bullies—please excuse my language but not their behavior—Aang spends time with Monk Gyatso, who acts like Aang’s adoptive father. In a very sweet moment, they play Pai Sho, only to be interrupted by Mr. Monk. Mr. Monk is jealous of Gyatso’s ability to keep his facial hair intact without it becoming a festering pile of fecal matter.

Oh, what?

Wott?

Cha, are you sure?

Okay . . .

Cha, okay, sure, go ahead.

Oh my [censored] God, someone please take me out of my [censored] misery. God, his name is Monk Gyatso, not Monkey Otso! It’s Shyu, not Shyo! It’s Bumi, not Boomy! And for God’s sake, it’s [censored] Aang, not Ang! And this is coming from a sworn believer in the Invisible Pink Unicorn, so you know how [censored] you are to reduce me to this kind of swearing. I don’t care if your spellcheck doesn’t like Gyatso, get a better one! And he’s not a monkey! You’re the [censored] monkey! Even though I’m not a Grammar [Ozai, replaced in case of offense by TAD], I’ve just run out of [censored] to give! I can’t take you—”

Not cool, Monkeyfeathers. No swearing. And I know what just happened to you, but please don’t spew your anger over us.

[cowers]

Hey, hey guys, show Monkeyfeathers some support. I don’t have the jurisdiction to tell you what happened, but simply allow me to say that it involves a manipulative girl.

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See? See? I told you Agni Kai is equal to Shirtless Zuko Time. Unfortunately, this isn’t true shirtless Zuko but clearly some sort of pod person. First all, he doesn’t have his scar; secondly, he clearly has hair all over his head; thirdly, he’s not emo.

All of the Zuko fangirls are screaming.

At this point, what they all really want to do is throw Pimproh under a bridge and have Zuko enter the battle-cage with someone. Maybe Jet.

Yeah.

Everyone ships Jetko, even though the pair doesn’t ever actually meet in the series. But they were like, in the same building together in Lake Laogai! They must be shipping! It’s destiny! Destiny!

Wait, wait, I lied. Zuko and Jet totally have a shipping moment on the ship in 212. Clearly, they must love each other very much. You could practically feel the shipping radiating from their angry, tortured faces more concerned with eating Fire Nation soldiers for breakfast than each other.

But more on that later.

As for Zuko’s, er, “failure”? Hey, hey, his father burns him because Zuko wanted to be nice.

Hm.

Burned, banished, [nearly] killed for being nice.

I’m heard this somewhere before . . .

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Okay, okay, hands up. Who’s read Ender’s Game, Ender’s Shadow, Speaker for the Dead, or et cetera?

Hm.

Dare I see a few people whose hands are not raised?

All right. Read Ender’s Game, and then you can come back to me and say you have a life.

Eavesdropping is clearly one of Aang’s greatest assets—[refrains from making a “but that’s all behind him” joke]—and facial hair is clearly the only asset to which the monks have access. Since everyone is jealous of Bobobo-bo Bo-bobo Monk Gyatso’s perfectly preened facial carpeting, and because not everyone can afford to hire Empire [Today!], the monks decide to make his life miserable as possible. Thus, they send Aang away to be in a temple full of girls.

Wait.

Wouldn’t he go up North?

Obviously, the monks wanted to show him a new path to spiritual enlightenment a la Goel Ratzon.

But this explains why “The Eastern Air Temple” wasn’t an episode name . . . Aang obviously doesn’t like the place . . .

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Everyone, Aang hug en masse! Look at how upset and emo he is. Quick, someone call the faangirls! Because emo guys are so hot, and I’m sure ninety-nine percent of them aren’t also drunk suicidal drug addicts and/or psychopath homicidal murders!

Wait . . .

I think Aang counts on that second one . . .

So, yes, Aang decides to run away.

[gasp]

I wonder why . . .

. . .

. . .

. . .

. . . he didn’t take his pillow with him. Oh come on!

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Oh my dear sweet flying spaghetti monster, I do believe that’s Azula. That’s right. That’s the first time we ever see her.

She must stage wild combat sessions and ever so slowly kill people because that’s the only way she can pleasure herself.

Good grief.

Freud wants a word with you . . . a couple words, actually . . .

But more importantly, we get to see Long Stache, the Dragon Stache, a character which Arthur and I have already copyrighted, and we plan to make him a national brand, along with Chakra Sandwiches. Hey, we already have a jingle, and they come in seven delicious flavors:

Fear

Guilt

Shame

Grief

Lies

Illusions

Attachments

That’s right, there’s something for everyone to get depressed over!

Aren’t I fun?

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Oh, all the lovely fun of a happy-go-lucky young thirteen-year-old morphing into a sixteen-year-old emo vampire. [pats heart]

Aang and Katara go out into the storm to find Sokka, presumably while Storm plays in the background and Katara swoons over Aang’s bravery.

Who says chivalry is dead?

Clearly not our favorite guy-in-touch-with-his-feminine-side.

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That’s right! That’s right! What is that right here?! Why, I do think it’s a magical thing known as lightning redirection!

My, my, Pimproh looks a little electrified, doesn’t he? Maybe between all the Santa Claus p—

Actually, I’m not even going to go there. If you read Cracked, you know about what I speak.

[is scarred for life]

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Oh, would you look at that seductive little smirk of Zuko’s? Say, Buttongoo, see you any fruit tarts about?

Challenge. Name every single time Zuko smiled in the series, with or without smirks. @_@’’ Yeah, that’s what I thought.

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Aw monkeyfeathers, not again. Wait. Why didn’t the Avatar State do it this way the first time? Why did it react differently to the same situation?

You know, other than p-l-o-t, our favorite reason to get away with everything!

Afterwards, of course, Aang and Katara share a tearful moment, presumably to the tune of Somewhere over the Rainbow.

Me: Kiss. Kiss. Kiss kiss kiiiiii—aw daangit!

[snaps fingers as credits rolls]

Drum roll please! I said drum roll please!

This is our very first episode which is a 5!

That’s right. I cannot begin to tell you how simply awe-inducing The Storm was. The parallels . . . the backstory . . . the plot-driven-ness . . . the aangst!

[hugs Koh plushie]

I’ll never get tired of this show.

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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