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111: The Great Divide Demotivated

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Chapter 11: The Great Divide

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 11: The Great Divide.

Previously in Avatar: Boy meets girl. Girl loves boy. Girl makes hat for boy. Boy . . . boy turns out to be terrorist.

Note: I wrote this during finals—that’s right! Next week’s summer for me, so expect a whole slew of updates—so excuse me if it’s not funny. =] I was bone-tired from all the studying, etc.

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With the wit of a half-starved Saber Toothed Moose Lion, our good pals Bryan and Mike decided to sit down one day and look at their schedule.

“Lettuce rest,” said Bryan. “I’m feeling beat.”

“You must be all write, my friend,” answered Mike, “for we’re stuck in a pen. We need another episode.”

“Another episode? But what? I have—I have no idea what to do!”

Mike just shook his head. “Maybe . . . maybe we should have a lesson with a moral?”

Bryan gagged. “A—a what?”

“You know. You watch the episode and learn a lesson.”

Bryan raised his hands. “Okay, okay . . . but make sure it isn’t cliché . . .”

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. . . as the famous episode on compromises that every kid’s show must have. If that’s not a law somewhere, I’m a monkey’s uncle. Which makes me Uncle Scar.

Hey, did you hear that the one where the government vows to take away its ridiculous phrasing?

Okay! Moving right along.

We see that it is, quite literally, the usual compromise episode. Just . . . flat. Boom. There right. Nothing exciting or anything.

So we begin by showing Katara—proof that a month has passed since 109! She’s PMSing again—and Sokka—who is also inexplicably PMSing—arguing about tents and twigs.

You read that correctly.

The first five minutes of the show is spent arguing about tents and twigs.

In case you can’t count—and I’m sure there are at least a few former presidents among us—that’s a little less than one fourth of the episode.

Hm.

Desperation [des-per-a-tion]. n. A state of [fan] despair, typically one that results in rash or extreme behavior [on the part of the creators of the show].

Yep.

About sums that up.

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Dude. Slade is Robin’s father. Get over it.

And if you don’t of what I speak, please ask yourself where you’ve been the last few years, because you certainly weren’t watching one of the best shows of all time.

And speaking of fathers.

We never know who Aang’s parents are.

I mean—you must be joking. Did he just not have them? Did he Apparate into the world because Bryke willed it? Come on. We must know something about his parents. He never even mentioned them. All he mentioned was Monk[keyfeathers] Gyatso. It’s starting to sound like Gyatso pulled an Angels and Demons and—

[waggles eyebrows]

Yeah. I went there.

It’s called Waterbending.

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Do you know what would just about save this episode?

Don’t. Show. It.

Gee, that only took about five seconds of your precious time, and now look at all of the possibilities. Maybe you can have an episode, hm, about Katara dealing with the repercussions of the last episode? Or, better yet, having some emotion other than anger at the Zhang tribe?

[clucks]

Here we meet the elusive Zhang and Gan Jin, or whatever it is they’re called. They’re here for one episode. One. And they go to Ba Sing Se. And here I was, thinking that, I don’t know, they would return in Ba Sing Se, not to be confused with Na Sing Se, a slang word that is totally unrelated to the show. Well, not totally.

[waggles eyebrows again]

Nope.

This is like the forgotten lovechild of two famous celebrities. Everyone hated it, and then the creators carefully nudged it under the carpet with a toe.

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The Zhang are the dirty ones with lots of sick people. The Gan Jin are the white-looking ones with lots of old people, leading to some of the crassest dialogue I’ve ever seen. I don’t know who should be more offended—the old people watching, the sick people watching, or the creators’ mamas, because that is some serious offensive material right there. I’m surprised the Itteh Bitteh Political Correctness Committeh hasn’t jumped on them.

Sure.

Right.

Now, pay attention carefully to this part. Someone or other eventually told the guide that the canyon crawlers wouldn’t attack if you had food. Wait. Question. You are food. You are meat. Wouldn’t they attack you anyway?!

So this is an entire filler episode about going hungry. Congrats, Bryke. You’ve reached a new level of stupid.

I think the M&M’s Club wants to welcome Mike to the group. Like, right now.

Well, a canyon crawler just randomly pops out of the wall like that devil dog from Hellboy, the one who can undergo mitosis at the drop of a, er, dead body. Guess what? Instead of attacking, I don’t know, the people who brought food, Sammael attacks the redneck dude, who supposedly didn’t bring food anyway. There’s obviously an amazing disconnect between “reality” and “Bryke”.

Also:

“It could attract dangerous predators, like myself!”

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Yeah, yeah, sure, of course, let the girl go with the clean people and the boy with the dirty. Nope, no sexism there.

Since this is the compromise episode, and we handily have three people, we have one defect to each side, leaving the last to have one cutesy little compromise scene. Also, I think there are leechi nuts in it. I’m not sure.

Well, Katara ends up with oh my spirits by Aang’s right foot holy monkeyfeathers some people who put up the rain tarps! Remember, at the beginning of the episode? Yeah. I’m sure that had nothing to do with this. Yeah. Uh-huh. I’m sure.

Oh, and if you can tell me why I picked the body part I did, you get this lovely banana pecan muffin. It’s quite tasty, I assure you. I also have chocolate dipped strawberries, if you’re interested.

Man, this episode is making me hungry.

See, Katara and Sokka have sooo much in common with the tribes with which they end up—whether or not to put the tarp. That’s sort of like voting for a new [joke removed due to political correctness].

Because this is the compromise episode, we of course have to have the two “different” stories, blah blah blah. Here’s how it works.

Jin Wei and Wei Jin. Wei Jin had some Pokémon, and he was going to battle them over in Viridian City. As he approached, Jin Wei, who didn’t have any Pokémon, said, “Show me your pokemans.” Wei Jin said, “I don’t want to show you my pokemans.” So Jin Wei stole the Pokémon from Jin Wei, leaving him with just Digimon.

So he died of horror.

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At the other side of the camp, even though the audience Sokka clearly gives less than a single monkeyfeather about it, the locals force their story in us him, too.

Jin Wei and Wei Jin. Wei Jin had some Pokémon, and he was going to battle them over in Viridian City. As he approached, he just kind of . . . fell over. So Jin Wei took the guy’s Pokémon and went to bring them back to Pallet Town, not to be confused with Palate Town, the coolest place on the ma, because a grand total of four people live there. About a third of the population left at the beginning of the game. And where’s Red’s dad? Or Blue’s parents? Very suspicious . . . Well, they don’t like suspicious, so they took Jin Wei and tossed him into the Pokémon Daycare Center, since they sure don’t have a prison. Thus, he was forced to huddle in there with HSOWA going on all day.

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This episode is like the teenage years of the show, where they experimented with all sorts of drugs animation styles and hallucinogens crappy animation. I don’t even need to comment on this. No, seriously. This is ridiculous. I repeat: This is not a drill, sadly.

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Well, the next morning, it’s time for the faceoff. Aang, who has no idea about what the monkeyfeathers anyone’s talking, listens to Sokka and Katara blither like a couple of Foamies.

A couple of really bad, really nasty-looking Foamies.

Aang thinks, Mm . . . no food for a day, yeah, okay, understandable.

Then the two sides start screaming at each other, and Aang realizes something.

“I’m hungry! How many times do I have to say this? MacD’s won’t solve problems – Wendy’s will!”

That’s right, kiddies, enjoy your product placement. Pretty soon they’ll be replacing Aang’s trademark arrow with an iArrow™. And then we’ll see.

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As always, if you get the reference—Vul, not for you—feel free to eat this delicious sea prune-flavored fruit pie. Remember, the secret ingredient is air.

As Aang strikes down those bad boys, food starts flying out of random places. Those tribes had food up the wazoo [and I’m looking at you, RJ]. Okay, all together now: “I am a dirtbag.”

Obviously, the two start to blame each other, blah blah blah. By this point I feel like a missed something actually funny in there, since I’m too concerned with not dying of boredom.

And where the @#$% is Zuko?!

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Oh, there he is. You sneaky little ninja.

Oh my . . .

That’s the scariest thing I’ve ever seen, and, trust me, I’ve seen some terrifying junk. Like Koh. Or Hama. Or . . . Koh. Why didn’t he ever come back?! [is so sad]

But, onto your regularly scheduled programming. Much like the President writing ‘2008’ instead of ‘2011’, Aang just doesn’t get aangry, especially not over f—

No, wait, he would get aangry over that.

[raises eyebrows]

What?

I was going to say ‘food’. No, really. I swear.

[smirk]

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Like all men, Aang is readily sedated by either

a) Liquor

b) Women

c) Food

and since Aang doesn’t have access to liquor and the woman in question is fully clothed, he is forced to resort to the third one, food.

See, Aang doesn’t consider himself a Firebender—so why is he always giving tips to his fire chakra?

[grabs stomach]

I think my fire chakra needs more than this ash banana . . .

Wait, I’m going to be sick . . .

Okay, I’m back.

Now, what’s happened in the meantime?

Okay, Aang was being cute holy monkeyfeathers rewind rewind rewind I missed the best part aw spirits take you laptop go back you stupid little marker go back aha!

There we go.

This episode would be utterly worthless except we get to see Aang’s expression right there. Then again, this episode proves he’s bipolar, since he exhibits a more sudden and wider range of emotions in this episode than throughout the rest of the series.

Just right there.

Like snap.

If Avatar was a lesser show, I’d cease watching.

As is, I’ll just cease existing.

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Ever since this episode aired, I’ve been eating my way through about three of those things a day. Why? I decided to try them—they’re Aang’s favorite.

Oh my . . .

Egg custard is delicious. Try some. No, seriously. Do it.

And now for a—

What?

Oh, hello, Monkeyfeathers. I missed you. Yeah, I know it was finals week, but I was still blogging.

Eh?

Oh, all right.

Cool.

“I’m not a Wiki account user, but I’ve edited my fair share as an Anon, and let me tell you something right here and now. The thing I hate, hate, hate most about the Wiki is that it encourages badge edits. Holy schnikes, next time you try to badge edit the Wiki—by fixing four commas on one page in the same amount of edits—I’ll find you[TAD: There should be comma here] and I will roll your whole head. Just. Like. Mother. And why should editing fanon pages give you edits? Just like talk pages, etc., editing fanon pages shouldn’t do that, that encourages spending more time on fanon than on canon, and I really don’t agree with—

Um, Monkeyfeathers?

[looks at Alphabet Bet]

Gee. Thanks for, uh, yeah, okay . . .

[goes off to mope]

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Those silly geese. All of those warm, fresh bodies—oh yes, and the food—manage to attract a delicious amount of canyon crawlers. This is where it gets interesting, though not as interesting as the awesome new fanon Emerging and Eliminating, which, incidentally, has nothing to do with the story.

But then again, when does product placement?

As you can obviously see here, Aang has a brilliant idea, because it’s not as if the Avatar State will help him. Oh, no. Kind of like that Teen Titans episode with the race through the whole desert—and I’m still wondering what could be in Robin’s suitcase, other than maybe evidence that Slade is his father, read it and weep—well, no, not kind of like that, more like I forgot was I was doing so I just decided to stick in my conspiracy theories—but the Avatar State just . . . shut down during this episode. Aang becomes very seriously aangry, very seriously endaangered, and what happens?

Oh yeah.

Nothing.

Instead, we see the two tribal leaders stuffing bags onto animals.

Right.

Aang does the bag thing by himself. Why does everyone else have to work together? Look at the guide. He worked by himself.

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And as they all climb up the cliff, the unthinkable happens! They play the “epic” version of the Avatar Theme! But that’s reserved for . . . for . . . epic scenes . . . I’m so confused! I don’t understand! [bonks head against the wall and froths from the mouth]

Why why why why why use it for this?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Sorry, I’m a music stickler. And I hate this crap.

By the way, I’ve figured out how to play the Avatar Theme and have it written down. I’m working on the Kataang Theme now. [waggles eyebrows]

And I’ve figured out an entire five notes! Score!

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Well, the two tribal leaders, even though they helped each other, are still angry. Hey hey, what up with that and Katara’s hair?

Ooh, burn, can you say that, because I can.

[sneers]

Not to be confused with Longshot, Pipsqueak, any other Freedom Fighters that actually return to the show, etc.

Anyway, by this point, Aang is thinking: I. Starving. If I get everyone get out of the way, I won’t be so hungry.

So he says: “Jin Wei? Wei Jin? Hey, I think they’re as real as the Tooth Fairy knew those guys!”

And the patriarchs of the tribes were eight?! Spirits, how young did they hit puberty back then?!

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Aang’s babel fish is malfunctioning. Watch:

What she says: “He’s not my boyfriend.”

What he hears: “He’s not my boyfriend yet.”

What she says: “We’re your family now.”

What he hears: “I would consider marrying you.”

What she says: “That is so wrong.”

What he hears: “Want to do me?”

And I was about three point one four one five nine . . . seconds away from making all of those “Want to do me?”s.

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Surprisingly, this episode is one of my favorites, because it’s funny, has some character development, and features an egg custard.

So . . . hungry . . .

[resists the urge to eat the table]

However, due to its nature as a filler, I am forced to compromise [heh heh] at a 2—which is still better than Jet. So, you know, filler isn’t always bad, and sometimes the best character/relationship development comes in filler versus plot episodes. But seriously, whatever happened to these guys? You’d think that we couldn’t exactly miss a couple hundred people in Ba Sing Se.

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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