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110: Jet Demotivated

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Chapter 10: Jet

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 10: Jet.

Previously in Avatar: Nothing important. Iroh found his lotus tile. Zuko raped Katara. Good times, good times.

Note: There’s been some stuff happening lately, so excuse me if it’s not funny. =]

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So, for absolutely no freaking reason, the Gaang is running around. Shouldn’t they be headed, I don’t know, north? Instead of going straight, they seem to be meandering around like a drunk two-headed rat viper, just kind of drifting on the breeze, hoping that eventually they might just make it north. I mean, think about it this way—it takes only a day of flying to cross the ocean between the Fire Nation and the Earth Kingdom, but it takes weeks or maybe months to go north? Something really, really doesn’t add up there.

Ho, speaking of not adding up.

Why does the Fire Nation have a better navy than the Water Tribes?!

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You see, Katara is very good as reading people. She sees you and she reads you like an open book. That’s why when she sees Aang, she thinks, Ooh stud muffin, and votes for him as the new leader. Unfortunately, Aang, being older than the Hundred Years’ War (which lasted a hundred and seven, mind you), is a little too “meh” in the head to do anything except show himself off by obnoxiously hanging in ridiculous poses just to prove to the world he’d a dude and not a dudette.

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We now introduce my third-favorite character on the show, right after Aang [grabs Aangy] and Koh—the reason that I’m now having to hide my Avatar DVDs from my parents—Sokka’s instincts!

You must trust the instincts.

The instincts are always right.

Even if instinct is one of the few words I’m forced to use a word processor to spell correctly.

Well!

The Instincts order them traipse around on foot. Walking and Aang don’t mix. I mean, come on. His freaking name means “peaceful soaring.” I don’t see any “grass-grass-tree-LotR-style walking” in there.

Aang asks if he can take a break.

The Instincts: I’m afraid I can’t let you do that, Aang . . .

Yep.

The ‘Stincts stink.

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So, the Stinky ‘Stincts lead them right into a Fire Nation trap. It’s not as if, mm, I don’t know, there were traps everywhere or something like that. No, it’s more like, in the entire forest, there was one measly bunch of guards.

And guess what?

The ‘Stincts lead ‘em right into it!

Do you know what happens when you don’t have a proper adult word to describe how stupid something is?

[ahem]

It was poopy scoopy boogey woogey dum-dum tum-tum poopy doopy bloopy!

Now, the question is . . .

What the monkeyfeathers does that mean anyway?

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Shortly after making this—and it took me forever to find a good image—Monkeyfeathers kindly informed me that this poster already existed.

I apologize to whoever had the original idea; I did not see it until after I’d made it. ]=

Since they’re all about to die—and they have not yet saluted, those daang kiddies—some Tarzan clones fly out of the trees and save their butts.

Also, Jet manages to knock out everybody.

“M. Night! Why?! WHY?! Whatever happened to Jet? And the Kyoshi Warriors?! And everything else that make Avatar a show worth watching?! Why—why—why did you do this?! Do you truly and desperately hate us all?! Why why why why why why why?!!!! Jet was crucial to Katara’s development—and it actually shows that she doesn’t just fall head over heels for that kid! So come, Nightie-poo. Do me a favor, neh?

What kind of favor would that be, Monkeyfeathers? The cough-cough-wink-wink kind? ;3

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After some extremely convenient “landings next to Katara” and “hellos next to Katara” and “men killed next to Katara,” Jet convinces her to come to the hideout. Strangely, Aang doesn’t seem to mind.

>_>

Hi, Dumbledore.

As well, they find blasting jelly and jelly candy. I don’t know, between the two I think Jet prefers the blasting jelly . . .

[imagines Jet crouching behind his tree house, hands shaking, striking a match beneath the blasting jelly, inhaling its sweet fumes . . .]

As long as this isn’t Captain America Fights Against Drugs—or whatever that piece of crap was called—I think I’m a-okay with Jet being a drug addict.

Well, at the ever-so-lovely hideout, it turns out that Jet’s parents were killed by the Fire Nation, too! Is there anyone on this show without a sad back story? Does such a thing freaking exist?

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Too true, too true. Jealousy has never been Sokka’s, ahem, strong point. And now? Now Sokka goes all crazy on Jet.

Sokka: You can’t ship with my sister! I ship with my sister!

Katara: . . . . o.o’

Jet: Look, she doesn’t want to ship with you.

Sokka: Please, I incest.

[knee slap]

Note: I’m not advocating incest. [shudders] No Sokkatara shipping for you.

And if it makes you feel better, I misspelled that as “Sokaktara.”

Twice.

Jet gives a nice fancy little speech—“You like speechie?”—and compliments Katara. Katara explains that Aang’s the Avatar. Jet’s reaction?

“Avatar? Very nice.”

I mean, what the monkeyfeathers?! He sounds like he’s talking about Aang’s car!

“Aang has a brand spanking new Chevy Camaro.”

“Camaro? Very nice.”

I didn’t realize the Avatar State was a car. My bad. You can’t ride—

Wait.

[falls over laughing at Kataang]

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Jet barely manages to stop the Sokkasm Machine just in time by giving him a “secret” mission. They stand guard, and Sokka is reduced to listening to a knife in a tree. It’s a good trick, but I have a question.

Several, actually.

First, why is Jet on guard duty?! There are probably hundreds of kids in the trees. What the—?!

Second, do they actually look at every single person who passes through the forest? Seriously? No, wait, they don’t have to worry about that, see? Because everyone in the show is nicely color-coded.

See, that explains why Jet and the Freedom Fighters are fugitives. They’re from the Earth Kingdom. It’s against the freaking law for them not to wear green. So all Jet and the others have to do is look for red.

So aren’t the Fire Nation people wearing green instead?

It’s against the law. See?

Next question. So, fine, Sokka hears some old guy approaching. Wait, wouldn’t the other guards have seen him first? You know, the ones perched a few trees ahead?

[facepalm]

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Good grief. Aang throws some little grenade-looking cherry bombs or something at Momo. Momo then clambers up Aang and tosses some at the poor kid. Said abused, neglected, and emotionally scarred kid falls off the treehouse. He just sort of jumps. And neither Katara nor Sokka help him.

Mm.

Maybe Aang committed suicide sixteen years before LoK. My goodness. Think of all the crap he’s gone through.

Joking, joking.

Aang’s too much of an optimist.

Sokka stupidly attempts to confront Katara, and Katara wants an “explanation.” Plus, she wants to give the S.P.E.W. love hat to the house-elf—I mean, Jet.

And keep your eyes peeled for that S.P.E.W. hat. Hermione—I mean Katara—is in for some heaping of foreshadowing.

And Aang?

Don’t look so cross-eyed.

A few snorts of blasting jelly’ll do that to ya.

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Remember to keep your eye on Hermione’s Katara’s S.P.E.W. hat? Well, the poor enslaved house-elfs Jet don’t get it—instead, Dobby Aang ends up wearing it.

[grabs cheerleading outfit]

If you don’t like Kataang, you better turn away now. Katara make a love hat for Jet, but Aang ends up wearing it. Holy freaking crap, it’s called freaking foreshadowing!

:o

That’s right. Kataang. Right . . . there. Boom.

Now, what was that about Zutara?

Nothing?

That’s what I thought.

So Jet shows them this little concealed knife. Except . . . I don’t think it would have fit into the little bag Smellerbee grabbed off the guy earlier. [shrugs] I don’t know about you, but . . .

So Sokka gets jealous of Jet and decides to leave. Katara chooses Jet over her brother.

See, this is why Sokka never yelled at Aang again.

Ever.

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Hey, would you look at that. Sokka realizes that—

Monkeyfeathers! They’re going to blow up the dam and kill everyone in it!

Stupid broken dam analogies.

So, instead of, I don’t know, running away as swiftly as possible, Sokka basically lets them take him for a nice little conversation with Jettie-poo. Jet “tries” to explain—yes, people, those squiggly commas-in-the-air are called quotation marks, big whoop—and Sokka gets his sorry hide kicked around a bit.

Not that he would mind Hide getting kicked around a bit.

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Well, in the meantime, Jet takes the Kataang Gaang to this hot springs place. Jet gives Katara some nice and erotic encouragement, while Aang stupidly steps onto a hot spring, realizes it’s blowing, and stands there until he flies into the air.

Aang: I didn’t get my money’s worth.

Right, right . . .

So, I have a quick question about, you know, water physics and the like. Fine, so they Waterbend that water out of the hole. Now, why in Chuck Norris’s flabby left—wait, he doesn’t have a flabby left anything—does the water keep flowing? Are we to assume it’s some sort of hot spring? Fine. But why hasn’t the water come out yet? Because it’s stuck? But then it shouldn’t keep flowing!

Good grief.

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Hey, Katara, maybe you should have suspicious about pretty-boy’s little I’m-a-good-person act. “Hey, don’t meet me at the dam. Meet me back at the hideout.”

Yeah.

My spidey senses are tingling all over this mess.

As Verne would say, his tail is tingling.

You don’t mess with the tingling tail.

Hey, guess what? It turns out that Jet is a loser and a war terrorist! He’s like the Osama Bin Laden of Avatar.

[awkward cough]

I, as an Avatar fan, pride myself on the fact that Avatar is never, ever cliché.

In fact, there are only two cliché things about the show.

1) They make a terrible live action remake.

2) Jet.

See, it would have been, I don’t know, interesting if Jet had actually turned to be a good guy. No. Instead it becomes a ooh-look-the-girl-was-wrong-and-the-suspicious-older-boy-was-right-though-no-one-else-believed-him story about betrayal, blah blah blah.

Katara rightfully splashes the absolute crap out of him.

And then Jet steals Aang’s glider.

Hey, wait, Aang.

Question.

Aang: Not you again. I have to make-believe I’m Naruto.

Me: Cricket. Cricket.

Aang: [sighs] Okay, I’m the Avatar; I have to listen to all people. Go ahead.

Me: Why didn’t you just use your bison whistle to call Appa instead of wasting time fighting Jet?

Aang: . . . . because . . . because fight scenes are cool. Yeah.

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Once, a long, long time ago, I decided to watch an episode of Naruto. And what an episode it was. It had everything. Forests. Ninjas. Explosions. Ninjas. Talking animals. Ninjas. Floating, um, balloon-looking thingies. Ninjas. Chi releases. Ninjas. A fox demon. Ninjas. Oh, and did I mention the most important part? Ninjas?

Now, I’m sure there was a plot there, somewhere between all the screaming and yelling. I vaguely think it was something to do . . . no, I’m joking. I couldn’t see a plot. But I’m sure there was one, mind you.

When I saw magical tree jumping, I thought, Hey, it’s Naruto.

No, no it’s not.

See, because Avatar has a plot.

And no ninjas.

Aang: What?! But I am a ninja!

Me: I meant a real ninja. With a certificate.

Aang: [grumbles] I’m going to go steal more of Monkey’s almond cookies now . . .

Me: Right, Po. Right.

And speaking of Po. Know who else is named Po? No one but the awesome Avatar of Sirius13’s Fleeting Peace, the intertwined stories of the new Avatar, a ruthless assassin, and a young bender girl trying to escape from the anti-benders. Will she prevail? You shall only find out if you read the awesomeness of Fleeting Peace.

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“If you look at the Blue Spirit episode, you can see that Aang has torn clothes, blah blah blah, but by the end of the episode, they’re magically patched up. Who does he think he is? Mary Poppins? Does he have a whole team of Fix-it Fairies running around to sew up his clothes? Look at the Blue Spirit and just tell me that isn’t some deep, deep, deep bull. The glider? Holy guacamole, he can’t frigging fly on it, but then he can?! Can you pick something, Bryke?! And why was Aang just chillaxin’ around listening to Katara with Jet instead of right away leaving on an air scooter?! Do you have any brains, Aang, any at all?! Like at all?! Or are you just naturally retarded? Because I swear, I—

Okay, that’s enough, Monkeyfeathers.

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I have this list, right, of directors I hate.

I started it back in 2009.

See, I used to be a Transformers fan—only because my sister actually bought the yellow-and-black Camaro, mind you—and the 2007 movie was simply amazing, in my opinion.

However.

Then 2009 swung around.

And Michael Bay realized that it really didn’t matter what kind of junk he put into the theaters. Everyone would go anyway.

Thus, on the cusp of this “miracle discovery,” he promptly used Revenge of the Fallen as a combination perverted fantasy—hello, wrecking balls, Wheelie, etc.—and a way to crap himself laughing at the fans’ outrage.

I can only imagine how his family feels.

I then added Mikey to my Directors-To-Kill.

Last year, I added another.

Hello, Shyamaloser.

Both of you.

Will die.

Horrible, horrible deaths.

Because no one likes people who mess with our movies.

No one.

Did you hear me, swine?!

Did you hear me?!

Yeah.

That’s what I thought.

Join the M(ichael Bay)&M(. Night Shyamalan)’s Club.

M&M’s welcomes you.

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And now back to your regularly scheduled programming.

[whistles]

With everyone presumably dead, Aang really, really wishes he had some popcorn, because Jet is about to get the hurt.

“You killed so many innocent people! And I trusted you!” Katara buries her face in her hands. “And I . . . I gave you everything . . .”

Aang: What?

Katara: [wailing] Now I’m never be clean agaaaaain!

Aang: Oh. [swallows a handful of popcorn] Nice.

And that’s to you, Courage. It wasn’t from the beginning, silly. Actually . . . I don’t think he actually loved her maybe until the end of Book Two or even Book Three.

[shifty eyes]

But just when they think Jet went and killded everyone nice and dead, guess who saves the day?

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Freaking reference overload. There are about two or three in there. Boom.

As it turns out, Sokka just strode into the village and got everyone out. And some old man vouched for him. So if a young, random hoodlum and a creepy old man tells you to leave your house, you totally should. Gee, Avatar, thanks for that helpful tip! I’ll be sure to follow it for ever and ever.

Katara informs Jet that they will never see each other again.

Ho, ho, ho.

You should live so long.

Approximately five seconds later, they’re all aboard Appa—look, Sokka’s driving!—and Katara is totally happy. It’s not as if she was traumatized by her recent experiences or anything, and it’s not as if she actually gives a monkeyfeather about what happened.

Nah, she’s all peachy.

Aang, on the other hand, is so, so sad.

He lost his S.P.E.W. hat.

This episode is a . . . 1. It’s cliché. The bad boy actually does turn out to be the bad boy. Additionally, Jet is an actual terrorist and would [joke removed due to, ahem, poor taste]. And the most important question . . . whatever happened to the rest of the Freedom Fighters? Surely the ice wouldn’t take long to melt. It’s not like they all just abandoned him or something. What is this? Optimus Prime’s disappearing trailer—if you don’t know about what I’m talking, congratulations, you’re still mentally stable—or Q’s gravitational constant fiddling? Ugh. [headdesk]

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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