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109: The Waterbending Scroll Demotivated

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Chapter 9: The Waterbending Scroll

A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 9: The Waterbending Scroll.

Previously in Avatar: Parseltongue. Misspellings. Some TVTropes. And Dumbledore—I mean, Roku.

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Yes, if you can catch the reference—let me say that everything is better on a nutshell.

Aang is walking around on a flying bison. That would be like you walking around on top of a flying jumbo jet. Nah, I’m sure he’ll fine.

I mean, come on. It’s not they have physics in the Avatar world or anything.

The Avatar is worried about learning Waterbending. [gasp] Guess what?! There’s a Waterbender right next to him! Oh my—from where did that come?

Hey, wait.

Aang.

[hands reader a bag in which to catch their exploded mind matter]

Why do you want to learn Waterbending?

You already know it.

Think back, if you will, to the previous freaking episode.

Think hard.

That’s right.

He was Waterbending.

[hides as reader’s mind explodes]

Yep. Exactly.

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Well, Aang and Katara find themselves a nice waterfall lake, incidentally the only one around. Aang immediately strips—he likes to show himself off to all the girls, you know, the imaginary ones—and starts for the water.

Katara forces him back into clothes, and the faangirls groan.

In the meantime, Zuko is still clothed.

Haha, take that, you stupid Zuko fans.

[pokes a hot poker at the rabid fans]

Sokka is reduced to cleaning the gunk out of Appa’s feet, which actually sounds like a better job than practicing something you already know.

Aang: So, what shall we do first, O Wise Teacher?

Katara: Let’s start with [phrase removed due to nature of children’s show]. Hey! Who changed the script?! Zuko, do you know?

Zuko: [hides paintbrush behind back] Who, me? Oh, uh . . .

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Monkeyfeathers, I don’t think—

No, wait, you shouldn’t—

Look, I know you’re still—

Anger is not the—

“BRYKE! Y U NO TELL US ABOUT PAI SHO?! I’ve spent years trying to put a set together! I still don’t know how to play it! Oh yeah, sure, all the random wikias and how-tos have it, but that’s not official. Come on. I’ve suffered through three years. Can we maybe get a Pai Sho lesson in LOK? Please?! Pleeeease?! I’m dying! I’m begging you! I’ve even switched to drinking tea—speaking of which, I don’t think leechi is an actual flavor—and I’m trying to grow an Iroh beard! I really, really, really want to be like Iroh. Pleeeeeeease! I must know the secrets to Pai Sho! Take pity on an old fool like me!”

Erm.

That wasn’t your usual style of ranting, Monkeyfeathers.

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You know that feeling of déjà vu, where you know you’ve seen something beforehand, but you can’t quite place it?

Gee. Look. Katara is angry again.

See, she doesn’t realize that Aang is the Avatar and therefore has power over 9000. Thus, she attempts to teach him some random little piddle moves like waves (back-and-forth), etc. Naturally, when Aang masters in about five seconds what it took her years to figure out, she gets more than a little upset.

And then he manages to create a wave and give himself some “holy” music, she gets angry. Because she never got any “holy” music.

So, my hypothesis?

Either she’s PMSing, or she’s pregnant.

But! We still have about nine months left in the show; a little less, I suppose. We’ll have to see what happens with

Preggie Katara Time.

Meanwhile, Katara asplodes in Aang’s face, tearing into him like some little jealousy demon. Oh come on, Katara. Give the kid a break. He’s like the Karate Kid. He’s just good. Maybe you should realize that as a girl, you wouldn’t even be allowed to Waterbend at the North Pole. That’s right. Take your place as a rag for men, Katara. Be proud of your raggy-ness! Be proud!

Oh, and if you so much as touch a—eyelash? No hair, uh—on him, I will personally take a chainsaw to your dirty little mouth.

[grabs Aang] Because if you’re gonna mess with him, you gotta go through me first.

[snarls]

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Since girls are easily distracted, Sokkaang decides to take her shopping! What fun. This is also when Katara realizes that she will be controlling the finances in the Kataang household. Aang doesn’t know how to say ‘no.’

Which, to Katara, isn’t exactly a bad thing.

You’d think that the money a king gave them would last more than four episodes. I mean, really? Two of those episodes had nothing to do with buying or walking around, either! I mean, you’re joking. What happened? Did Haru steal all of it? Did Aang secretly use it to purchase a betrothal necklace? I mean, come on. This is ridiculous. What did Bumi give them? Three copper pieces?!

Er.

Make that two copper pieces.

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Since Katara is so interested in said, ahem, interesting developments, she quickly goes out and is dragged into the first place she can find.

Because, remember, when you’re on the lookout for things, ah, legally conspicuous, remember to see Slim Cognito.

He’ll sell you anything but the R.H.Y.N.O.

After the crazy monkey statue goes and hypnotizes Katara, throwing her moral compass out of whack with a good lie-cheat-steal magnet, the pregnant woman, having no self-control, decides to buy a stolen Waterbending scroll. Aang, on the other hand, is more concerned with not letting Momo be eaten. No one likes being eaten, trust me.

See? It’s all part of Momo’s diabolical scheme. Scheme, I says! Scheme!

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Somewhere, Wan Shi Tong is turning over in his library.

Moaning.

“They practically shoved a spoon down Team Avatar’s throat full of We’re-Pirate-Juice! And they still don’t get it?! Ooh, Sokka “cleverly” realizes that they’re actual pirates. . It’s not like their costume, mannerisms, appearance in a TV show, etc., weren’t dead-drop hints—if not just the answer itself! Rather than be actual smart people and pretend not to be pirates, they just go ahead and say, Oh, yeah, we, like, totally scroll that, like, totally rad scroll, yeah! Sure, we’re pirates. Just go arrest ‘n’ arrest us. Here are my wrists. Go ahead. Clamp those chains, clamp ‘em nice and—”

Ahem, Monkeyfeathers, I don’t think the blog is the time to go through your perverted fantasies.

[claps hands]

I tried that coin trick, and I still can’t get it to go. I know you can do it, though, unlike lightning redirection.

[glares at Iroh]

Gee, thanks for getting me hit with lightning, Uncle Lazy.

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All right.

Hello readers,

Look at the poster.

Now back to me.

Now back at the poster.

Now back to me.

Fortunately, that isn’t me.

But if he stopped looking like he’s saying, “Hey, babeh,” he wouldn’t be as dead as Hahn.

Look down, back up.

Where are you?

You’re on your computer staring at a man your man should never, ever look like.

Back at me.

I have it.

It’s an oyster with two tickets to that Boy in the Iceberg play.

Now, look again: The tickers are now Bending Coupons.

Everything is possible when your man doesn’t look like that dude right there.

And Katara?

Don’t.

Ever.

Steal.

Something.

From.

Pirates.

Thankfully for the Gaang, Aang is more than ready to let Katara grab his lower body—and I mean that at face value, kiddies, I’m not being perverted, no way—and fly her and Sokka out of there. Phew. Disaster averted.

For now.

But he can always come back for more.

Riiight, Vulmen?

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This is Virlomi.

She is insane.

Virlomi is the leader of the Mother India in a war against China and the Muslims countries.

And if you know about what I’m talking, you get a muffin.

Aang.

So, moving on. After stealing that stupid scroll, guess what Katara does? Fail! Aang is a natural, while Katara can’t even get the water whip right, no matter how “doable” it sounds. And yet, later in the series, she masters Bloodbending in about seven minutes.

Geez.

That’s some learning curve.

So instead of, I don’t know, the water falling apart or something sane like that, Bryke decided to make it whip in random directions, mostly because that’s more fun than just sitting there watching water fall up and down.

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That’s right, folks. This is exactly what it looks like.

Pilot time?

Pilot time.

So then I started screaming, right? Because it turns out there that there was a pilot I had missed! I grabbed the D-V-freaking-D and slammed that bad boy right into the player. I turned it on, and . . . I about died. Just boom. Dead. Totally and other destroyed.

“My God. The Avatar’s voice in that was just terrible. I’m extremely glad they changed it. I’m sorry I can’t remember your names right new, actors—ahem, TAD addition: Zach Eisen—but the new guy, whoever he is—ahem, Zach Eisen—manages to put a truly awesome amount of feeling into it. I mean really. But the old one? Yeah, right. The animation did all the work. The voice was flatter than the fly that just tried to bite me.

“And don’t you dare tell me flies don’t bite and bytes don’t fly.”

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“No, Aang. This is Zuko’s.”

“Oh, good. I was going to say. Because I’m still clean.”

“Wait—our enemy got my sister pregnant?!”

Right, about that.

To speak the completely honest truth, Katara needs to get a hold of herself. I mean honestly. It’s okay that you didn’t do something perfectly the first one and was outclassed by a non-Waterbender who has no training experience whatsoever and is some two years younger than you.

Wait.

No, go ahead and keep screaming. They deserve it.

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While Iroh searches the ship fruitlessly for some opium—I mean a lotus tile, yeah, of course—Zuko just happens to talk to the Man with the Plan, Mr. Pirate Cap’n. Well, Cap’n Barbossa has more stuff to do than go chasing around after bald monks—such as capturing the Pirate-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named—but, because it’s “interesting” and “exciting” when the two enemies gang up against the Gaang, they decide to take a boat and just start cruisin’ ‘round the Rivah Slow, checkin’ out the ladies.

Hey, ladies.

Right.

Now the Lazy Song’s running through my head.

Gee, thanks.

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In the meantime, Katara is a complete and utter idiot. I mean, really? Really? So she tells Aang he can have the scroll, and then she runs off with it! And it’s not the cool kind of “O yah, imma run off wit dis and liek be mastur of pokemon man!” No, sadly, it doesn’t work that way, and you do have to still grind up those levels. Unless, of course, you’re going to use the Rare Candy glitch . . .

[waggles eyebrows]

Since Katara doesn’t know how to shut up even though she knoooows that there are pirates chasing after her. She’s absolutely freaking brilliant, can’t you tell?

Well, guess what? That’s right. She gets arrested.

By pirates.

“Oh, Zuko . . . You had me at ‘I’ll save you from the pirates . . .’”

Oh, and Zutara fans?

If any of you have that T-shirt I’m talking about, you, my friends have to life.

[proudly displaying Kataang shirt]

Right.

So Zuko decides to “help” Katara, the idiot.

Good gravy.

No wonder he goes with Mai.

[facepalm]

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At this point, Taylor Swift appears and starts jamming.

And now, a word from our sponsers.

A wild PRINCE ZUKO appears.

Go, AANG.

AANG used KAWAII!

It's not very effective.

PRINCE ZUKO used STEAL YOUR GIRLFRIEND!

AANG became CONFUSED!

AANG is CONFUSED.

AANG used AVATAR STATE!

It's a HOMICIDAL KILL RAGE!

It's super effective.

PRINCE ZUKO used FANBASE!

FANBASE missed.

AANG is CONFUSED.

AANG used KATAANG SHIPPING!

AANG hurt itself in its confusion.

PRINCE ZUKO used MAIKO SHIPPING!

It's not very effective.

PRINCE ZUKO was hit with recoil.

KATARA used MASTER BALL!

Gotcha! PRINCE ZUKO was caught!

Give nickname to PRINCE ZUKO?

SEXSLAVE was sent to PC BOX.

New Pokedex information has been added for PRINCE ZUKO.

PRINCE ZUKO. Fire/Fighting. Anger Pokémon. It constantly seeks honor, something more important to it than life itself.

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In the middle of all this Zutara shipping, let’s examine the, ahem, “evidence,” shall we?

Let’s see . . .

a) The first time they met was when Zuko was attempting to destroy the village and burn her family.

b) He has since attempted to capture and/or kill Aang almost every episode.

c) He led the freaking pirates to her.

d) He tied her up to a tree.

e) -Sorry; removed-

Yep. Would you just look at that romance? Why, it’s almost as a pinnacle of romance as “I don’t hate you, too!” Genius, I tell you. It’s pure genius!

Aang and Sokka wake up to find Katara vanished, scroll likely in grubby hand. That’s right. Because she’s going to abandon her brother, her ex-boyfriend, the supplies, etc., for a piece of paper that contains thing she can probably learn at the North Pole anyway.

Hey!

Maybe she’s been brainwashed by Chong.

[thinks]

No, no, not even Chong would stoop so low.

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Sokkaang manages to find Katara, but . . . Oh, wait, look, she’s been tied up by pirates.

O rly?

Ya rly.

No wai!

Sokka “cleverly” makes them turn against each other. Because of course a bald kid will fetch more money than a possible Bloodbender prostitute—I mean a Waterbending scroll.

Yeah.

That’s totally what there trading, I swear.

As usual, during the giant fight between the adults, the kids manage to sneak out with no one noticing.

Right between their legs.

Yeah yeah, there you are, Pu-on Tim!

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At this point, it’s the endgame. They steal a boat, the pirates steal another boat, and they start on a “high speed chase” through the river. Wow. Amazing. Look at that. Well, the pirates catch up a boat that’s obviously slower, and Aang manages to beat up some five of them while Katara takes, what, one? Oh, and Aang uses Water-freaking-bending, that thing he was trying to “learn” in this episode, to take out another ten or so.

Katara.

She’s a failure.

And she knows it.

Right. And then comes Appa the Deus Ex Machina to save the day, everyone’s happy, Katara’s pregnant, Zuko’s ship explodes, and all the pirates die; oh, and Spirit manages to save Rain down the waterfall.

But wait!

The most important part of the episode is still to come!

Are you ready?

Are you set?

Are you prepared?

To get your mind blown straight open?

Yeah.

Iroh finds his lotus tile!

Boom.

Your mind is asploded.

Sadly, this episode . . . is a 2. A 2? I know what you’re saying, but, sadly, this simply isn’t an episode with a lot of, eh, rewatchability, which is one of the major things on which I grade. As well . . . Katara . . . Well, she’s just herself. o.o’ Plus, the reasoning of some of the characters (like Zuko, the pirates, Aang, etc.) was rather . . . unrealistic. Ugh.

What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!

See you next time!

~The Avatar Demotivator

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