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Chapter 8: Winter Solstice Part 2: Avatar Roku
A review (and some demotivation) of Book 1: Water, Chapter 8: Winter Solstice Part 2: Avatar Roku.
Previously in Avatar: Danny Phantom. Momo’s diabolical plots. Something about helping a village, I think. Oh. And a Chinese Fireball.
By the way, Monkeyfeathers is busy with Drama Club this week, so no rants from him. =/ Sorry Monkeyfeathers fans. He’ll be back next week.
We begin in the quaint little town called the Shire, where Aang is trying to start his car. Like all cheap vehicles, however, this car refuses to start, which is bad. Aang wants to run away from home, but he can’t do that if the noise attracts attention.
You see, Aang has a very difficult dilemma. On one hand, he could stay here, and ship with his actual canon ship, Katara, who apparently “needs him.” Or he could run away to the Earth Kingdom, find Toph some eighteen episodes early, and give all the Zutarians something to have fangasms about other than DeviantArt porn.
He chooses to scream more loudly.
Fortunately, amid all this screaming, his girlfriend hears. Afraid that her “man” (read: Harry Potter in The Chamber of Secrets) is, I don’t know, going to run off to try to wriggle his way into another gir—never mind. Anyway, she offers him what she knows will keep him here.
So, while Pervtara and Aang get it on in the saddle, Sokka and Momo are forced to listen.
In the meantime, Zuko detects a disturbance in the force.
“Losing his virginity before me someone is. Hm.”
And then the Improbability Drive fixes itself, and all of the magical puppets go away.
So, acting on the vision of the “comet,” the Gaang runs like terrified little poop monkeys to the blockade, where Wolverine himself is waiting.
“Oh, right, we’re just supposed to believe that’s a coincidence? I mean, come on! Of all of the stupid blockades, ships, etc. Zhao had to be put in front of this particular one! Last time we checked, Zhao was waaay down south. Serious-effing-ly?! What are the odds of that?! Zhao just turns up everything! Don’t you think that gets annoying after, I don’t know, three thousand coincidences?! Who the @#$% do you think you are, Zhao? Count Olaf? And don’t even get me started on—”
That’s a good idea.
. . .
Yep. Gandhi’s got nothing on this.
I mean, are you kidding me? Good gravy, he kicked a boulder, and it exploded! How many you get more awesome than that? Cha, I know it was an air kick, but still. He jumped up, kick-Airbended the boulder, and it exploded.
In the Avatar universe, “physics” and “science” often take vacations.
Very, very long vacations.
In the meantime, Aang and the Gaang managed to successfully run the blockade.
Gee, I wonder why.
I know! Aang used the power of random facial expressions that don’t make any sense! So, I have a question to the animator: Did you get bored in your office while waiting for your meager job to end so you can go smoke some meth or what? I’m joking. I love your work.
Zuko is let to pass, because Zhao thinks he’ll lead him right to the Avatar. Wait, I have a question. Zuko doesn’t have any “Avvie senses” or an “Avarader.” He’s just following the Avatar by sight and a telescope. Don’t tell me Zhao can’t either a) track the giant flying beast called Appa or b) whip out his telescope, which is likely ten times better than Zuko’s anyway.
But, you know, that’s no fun. Everyone wants Zuko in the story. Preferably naked.
The Gaang arrives at some island in the middle of the nowhere that happens to be shaped like a croissant. Hence, it’s called Croissant Island. That surely can’t be “crescent” I’m hearing, as crescents are associated with the moon.
After some jassercise and a nice pic-a-nic, Team Avatar leisurely storms into the temple, where they meet a bunch of old people. Turns out these old people are really some kick-butt Master Firebenders, so the Gaang explodes into a bunch of scurrying little termites.
Then, Shyu, a named character that has maybe five minutes of screen time, magically Apparates and claims he wants to help them.
“Come with me! It’s your only hope! And I promise you can get as much candy as you want from the van!”
It turns out that Aang is telepathic, and he somehow went down the exact right corridor, so Shyu huffs and puffs and blows the door down, thus letting in the Three Little Piggies.
I mean Three Little Victims.
I mean . . . you get the drift.
Note to fangirls: Yes, Zuko is hiding somewhere in the room.
Note two to fangirls: No, he’s not half-naked. Your well-meaning fangirlfriend lied, I’m afraid.
Note three to fangirls: Nor is he completely naked. He’s fully clothed. So stop.
Hoo-whee. Aang is forced to open a door, which can only be opened by blasting fire from five . . . orifices.
Please excuse me and my dirty, dirty mind.
In the meanwhile, Harry, while also twelve, is forced to open a door, which can only be opened by blasting Parseltongue from . . . tell you what, let’s just move on before I’m banned from the Wiki.
Soooooo . . . Sokka gets a brilliant idea. With a sinisterly blood-red light bulb hanging over his head, he makes fart-bags, which he then sets off in the middle of the snake-heads.
Sadly, the fart-bags can’t quite pronounce Parseltongue.
So . . .
Those old people from earlier (Bumi knows all of them, by the way) come running and open the door. Just like that.
Oh noes! This is terrible!
Prince Zuko has clothes!
I’m missing something?
Oh, yeah, and I think he captured Aang.
It’s like a Russian reversal. Magically, everyone reverses their positions. Wait, if you could do that earlier, why didn’t you? Why did you just suddenly decide, “Oh, okay, that’s cool, man. It’s Prince Zuko. Now I can activate my old man ninja skeelz?”
In Soviet Fire Nation, you no are stupidity. Stupidity are you!
Then some awesomeness ensues. Aang, channeling the Avatar Spirit, knocks Zuko off some stairs (and gives him some concussions), leaps up and lands on the head of a Fire Sage (and gives him some concussions), and bounces off the last old guy (and gives him some concussions). What’s this? Aang wouldn’t do that? Of course he would. Just take a look at Avatar: The Last Airbender Revised by Lovely. It won’t disappoint, I assure you.
Wump! Avatar Roku flashes into existence on the solstice. And what if Aang was late? Sucks for you! What if Aang had stayed just a few more months in iceberg land? The world may never know. Except it and all the Tootsie Rolls would be dead. Take that, Mr. Owl!
You can just fast-forward here. It’s some plot. Here’s the summary:
There’s a villain whose plans will be roll out in a certain time period. The hero must accomplish x tasks in the set time period, then confront the villain with the skills learned from the x tasks.
Oh, and Roku is dead.
Aang: So . . . are we in King’s Cross?
And I mean the real one. Not one who got a movie named after him and then crawled off to die of a heart attack in some hole.
No, no, you silly misplaced modifiers. I don’t mean he died in some hole of a heart attack, I mean he died because he had a heart attack in some whole.
Thank you for loaning me your grammar. Mine’s in jail on DUI.
The Fearsome Fivesome—also known as a quartet of grumpy old men and an unfortunately fully clothed “teen heartthrob”—try to flame open the door like a bunch of Johnny’s. “Flame on!”
Or, as they say in the Fire Nation, “stay flamin’.”
Well, Roku is upset, because, you see, he doesn’t like Marvel—he likes DC, and he doesn’t like all these stupid Marvel movies. He liked Superman and Batman and the Justice League. Not this stuff. Why is there a green giant in magically stretching purple pants? And why isn’t he selling corn?
So, Roku goes completely psycho. Gee, I wonder why the world is like this in the first place, if the previous Avatar went around knocking down giant temples like a little kid knocks down sandcastles.
Oh, and I think Wolverine showed up.
Oh my spirits save us all I don’t want to die I love my life I love my life I love my—
Do you what the problem with too much exercise is?
So, moving right along, at this point Wolverine realizes that he is in some hot water.
And the Zutarians go wild.
“See, there’s no such thing as air water! But there is hot water! Boom! Burn! Tee hee!”
. . . Right. I’ll go vomit in this here walrus bucket. Shut up, Lolrus. Go buy another bucket if you want one!
So, Wolverine consults the little voice inside his head, kind of like a stupid version of the little voice in your head, and he finds out that Roku’s powah is over nine thousand!
And he’s angry.
You want to see him when he’s angry.
As long as, you know, you’re on the other side of the television screen.
As for the Gaang?
Like Donkey Kong.
In fact, no one cares so much, I didn’t spell his name correctly.
Okay. It’s time to a look at an IM chat conversation from a few years back (copy/pasted). This is not IRC, but a similar client.
<italyrools> dude yeah avatar is da best
<flutflutflyer> So, did you guys see the new episode?
<chick227> duh. zuko = smexy y did he have cloths lol?
[flutflutflyer barfs into a bucket]
<italyrools> @flutflutflyer: haha ur so funny
<chick227> i didnt like that shyo guy tho who was he?
Aangalicious is online.
[flutflutflyer hugs Aanagalicious]
<Aangalicious> Hi Flut.
<chick227> Sooooooo who is shyo?
<Aangalicious> @chick227: It’s “Shyu,” actually, I believe, not “Shyo.”
<italyrools> no u dummy its shyo they say it like that
<flutflutflyer> It’s Shyu.
<chick227> im bored
chick227 has been kicked out of ##italyftw for flooding.
<italyrools> its still shyo
[flutflutflyer is angry]
<flutflutflyer> @Aangalicious: Meet me on my channel. You know which one.
<Aangalicious> @flutflutflyer: No problem.
Aangalicious has left ##italyftw.
flutflutflyer has left ##italyftw.
flutflutflyer has joined ##gaangstarap.
<Aangalicious> I hate people who can’t spell names properly.
And this has repeated itself so many.
Know what you’re spelling!
It’s Xu, not Shoe.
It’s Ozai, not Ozia.
It’s Zuko, not Suko (yes, I see this sometimes).
It’s Aang, not Ang! Two A’s, people! Two!
And for heavens’ sake, it’s Shyu, not Shyo.
Oh, and some stuff happened. I think everyone died. I’m not sure.
I mean, really? You guys just leavehim to die? Good gravy.
Zhao is left staring angrily at the horizon, furious that his adult diaper has been soiled. Curse you, Gaang! If it weren’t for these meddling kids, I would have gone 87 days without an accident! I hate wiping chalkboards.
Meanwhile, Zuko is . . . being Zuko . . . somewhere over there. Right. Hey girls! He’s over here! Come and get some!
[jumps out of the way of the stampede]
And, as for those of you who didn’t get the DP, thank you for being clean and/or sane. The world needs more of you.
Once more . . . This episode is a 3. I felt that they could have gone through the plot bits a little faster, but the rest of the episode, particularly the beginning, felt very rushed, as did the end. Also? Eh. Some things didn’t quite make sense. However, I awarded bonus points for Aang has Chuck Norris.
What are your thoughts on the episode? No flaming!
See you next time!
~The Avatar Demotivator
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