Ad blocker interference detected!
Wikia is a free-to-use site that makes money from advertising. We have a modified experience for viewers using ad blockers
Wikia is not accessible if you’ve made further modifications. Remove the custom ad blocker rule(s) and the page will load as expected.
- Plot - 9.0: Welllll, I'm obviously a sucker for Ba Sing Se-oriented stories, especially those related to the Dai Li. Speaking of which, I applaud the author for portraying those awesome villains very nicely and for giving them the appropriate sinister characteristics. However, I would say that the villains in general are a little too...quiet. Alright, I know that the Dai Li tend to be like that, but I mean in the sense of their motives and philosophy. They seem to appear out of the shadows to capture the protagonists without much thought, and I couldn't help but wonder sometimes. It simplifies the plot somewhat when things are left like this and leaves an unclear idea of what the two protagonists are fighting against/running from. I'm aware that that's actually their state of mind, but the reader should be kept aware of who the true enemy is and why.
- Organization - 8.5: The scenes jumped very quickly and vaguely in my opinion. Again, I'm aware that it reflects the unclear mentality of the protagonist at times, but I just feel like many "in-between" scenes were cut out. Aside from how someone got from one place to another, there were many character interactions (such as first meetings) that were just "assumed" and stated as something unimportant in the past, while in reality I had to stop for a moment and get used to the idea. Overall, though, I get the flow of the story and have no trouble following one chapter to the next. AL3's got this fanon planned well.
- Creativity – 9.0: The idea of an escaped rebel adapting to the new, unfamiliar world outside isn't unheard of, but it's a very interesting and unique POV in this case. Not many Avatar fanons would focus on this perspective, and you can really sense the influence the protagonist has undergone from his oppressors. I look forward to seeing what the author comes up with next!
- Writing – 8.8 (x3): As I mentioned earlier, there seems to be a lack of "in-between" scenes. Aside from organizational issues, however, this also starts to create a shortage of description. For me it feels like characters kind of teleport from one place to the next at the moment, and their journeys are described pretty briefly. To be more specific, a lot of physical journeying seems to be replaced with mental processes. The feelings of a character are elaborated on while what they're actually doing is unclear, basically. That's fine, but at times there is a clear need for physical description and attention to how the characters react to their surroundings - and the writing falls just a little short in that area. Just a little, really. Also, while I love the cool and poetic feel of this fanon, I would suggest that the one-word sentence/paragraphs be used a bit less frequently. They do a great job of capturing inner emotions with a quick, dramatic flare, but they appear often enough to create a slight repetitive feel (eg. "And he ran. Afraid. Confused." note that quoting refers to format, not actual content). That aside though, AL3's grammar is almost perfect, and he captures every scene beautifully. Very beautiful writing overall.
- Character Development - 7.5 (x2) I'm thinking that there's more deduction here because the story is still in relatively early events, but in general the character development of the protagonists is a little slow at the moment. It's indicated more in Jong than in Partida, but at the same time their romance feels somewhat rushed. They seem to be aware of this, actually, which I thought was a nice move for the development, but in general I'd like to see more elaboration on their feelings for each other. They might not be sure of why they're attracted at the moment, but it would help to explain more how they make each other feel while they're around each other - just something to make it more plausible why they won't split up. On the other hand, the villains have practically no development, as mentioned earlier. They don't need to be facing any kind of inner struggle, but for now I'd just like to see some kind of personality at all. Still, I want to hear more about what happens to Jong and Partida; they're two wonderfully crafted characters!
- Action - 9.0: Action is clearly stated as not being the focus of this fanon, but AL3 sure knows how to write action nonetheless! Again, some of the action scenes that I felt needed - well, action were kind of replaced by mental struggles, but they were still pretty cool. The actual fight scenes I had the pleasure of reading were very vivid and believable, and they reflect the intricate details of bending that the majority of fanons here have not yet captured. Bravo!
- Believability – 9.0: Yeahhh, the Dai Li/Long Feng are pretty mean. I could see how this would affect the protagonist in the way that AL3 describes him. Very believable indeed! The only thing I would say here is maybe elaborate more on how Jong and Partida became such fabulous benders. I mean it is mentioned, but a few more flashbacks of their training or perhaps some explanations through dialogue wouldn't hurt.