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Another week of exams swept through, leaving behind a half-dead Minnichi and an all-new pile of late reviews! ~_~ Although I must say I did eat a lot of good food to make up for it, including ice cream since my birthday did kind of pass and I'm, lyke, super oldddd now and - well, not to stray off-topic or anything! On this lovely Friday evening I present you the rambling commentary of Burning Air by Sokka jr and .
Water. Earth. Fire. Air.
For hundreds of years, the four nations have lived in peace and harmony. But everything changed a few years ago, when the Fire Nation wiped out my people. On that day Sozin’s Comet arrived and war with the Fire Nation began. We were a peaceful race, forced into the fight of our lives. We couldn’t win. It was impossible.
I knew that there was still a chance. My friend had vanished shortly before that fateful day. My friend, the Avatar. While the Fire Nation lays waste to the world, there is still a glimmer of hope, that the Avatar will return. Until then, I am the Last Airbender.
My name is Kyfu, and this is my story.
I always like reading pre-war fanons (as opposed to after-the-war fanons, which I hear many of you have grown tired of). I feel like there aren't quite enough Air Nomad fanons out there, and this one was a nice surprise. Treachery and Master States, what's next? I see many good ideas to come!
- Plot - 8.0: While I do love the idea of the story, I just felt as if a few elements of a well-rounded plot were missing. The antagonist side could definitely be elaborated on more, not in Hizake's case but in Sozin's/the rest of the Fire Nation's case - not to mention Hizake sometimes doesn't truly sound like an antagonist. The plot has many major points which I felt were left simply as well, and this begins to relate to organization and other areas of the review. But overall, I think that the plot in general just needs more time for details and things should be good to go.
- Organization - 8.0: Things were straightforward for the most part, but as I said the events have a tendency to jump rather quickly. I think that if the author (not to repeat myself or anything, heh) slows down a little, things could flow much more clearly. For a fanon with drastically new ideas such as this one, it's important to take all the necessary time to really lead your readers through all the details so that nothing can possibly confuse them. In this case, it would be around things like describing the Master State and such. That aside though, organization wasn't much of an issue for me. Movin' on!
- Creativity – 7.5: I recognize that the author incorporates drastic ideas, but unfortunately they sound a similar to major ideas already found in the show. The concept of the Master State has much potential that I would love to see play out, but at the moment it sounds too much like the Avatar State. The antagonists tend to behave in a slightly stereotypical way as well, and I think at this point the author just needs to start taking things completely into his own hands. Don't be afraid to turn your ideas over to your wildest imagination! Letting go of the show's foundation for spirital ideas can be one of the best things you can do for your fanon.
- Writing – 7.7 (x3): The grammar was overall solid, though I did catch a few slightly recurring mistakes. That aside though, I feel as if the main issue with the writing right now is a somewhat simplistic description of anything visual. I suggest varying the sentence structure, for one, when people or things are introduced. A specific example that stood out to me is when Hizake was first presented in the story, injured and found by the Air Nomads. Remember that for anything new and drastic that occurs, you have to add several sensory details to really capture the mood of the scene. As of now I feel like the writing produces events that just 'happen' more than packing the emotional punch they should on readers. Whenever you make a statement, always keep in mind the state of your character; how are they feeling? If you list an emotion, how do you convince us, the readers, that he/she is truly feeling it? To avoid rambling, I think a good summary is that descriptions in this story tend to be one-liners, and that's why things rush as well. Just take your time like I always say, and think deeply about every statement you make while adding in as many vivid details - both emotional and visual - as you can. But I do like your style so far and hope to see more! These are just some elements I'd just really like to see incorporated.
- Character Development - 7.5 (x2): I think this may have to do with the fact that the story is still in its early stages, but I don't sense too much growth in character at the moment. The protagonists are all a very interesting bunch to read about, no doubt, but they just barely seem to be missing that element of inner development. I say barely because I do see some nice elaboration on each characters' personal feelings - but as I said earlier the writing seems too focused more on the literal events than emotional description at the moment, which also hinders character development. I would like to see some more elaboration that would give us distinct personality traits for each character, and their physical descriptions right now are a little vague as well. This just seems like another area that needs a little extra time and detail, and it'll do great. Can't wait to find out more about our Avatar-ish protagonist and traitor-or-is-he-really antagonist!
- Action - 8.2: I do applaud the author for being able to be very visual when it comes to writing action, without a single "shortcut description" used for any bending (anyone who knows me will know I'm referring to the "(insert element)bended" term). However, I do notice that while the movement of the elements is very nicely described, the movement of the characters is lacking. We need thorough description both for what their attacks are and what their bodies have to go through to perform said attacks. Aside from that, I'd be careful not to get too carried away in the fight and forget to talk about the emotional state of the characters while they're fighting - something that tends to happen a lot when authors write action scenes, actually. Anddd that's all I really have to say here! These writers can produce very intense fights, for sure!
- Believability – 7.5: I'm having a slight issue with the concept of the Master State concept, simply because it was hardly explained. What we were told about it sounds virtually like the Avatar State, so I'm still waiting to hear some elaboration on what makes it different from the Avatar State. Without proper explanation, it could be hard for readers to swallow the idea of a *second* Avatar-ish state aside from the original, and as of now this area needs much, much more detail. Just something I advise the authors to pick up on!
Overall Score: 7.73
My advice for Sokka jr and Henryjh98: Extra elaboration is all your story really needs, including the ordeal with the Avatar State. This is a really great idea for you to build off of, and I'd love to hear more about the little details!
Who should read Burning Air? Air Nomad fans and those of you tired of after-the-war fanons (because this one is virtually opposite). It's a pretty intense tale overall for anyone to enjoy though.