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Not gonna lie, I've been distracted these days. But Minnichi's back for another review, under the pretense of typing class notes :) During this (ahem) Neuroscience lecture, I now provide my commentary on Avatar Adventures by Midori122407, a tale that focuses on the troubles of Korra and a Lightingbender named June as they try to track down a mysterious organization that kidnapped Mako.
Like the intro said, this fanon has a great mixture of elements within it. As much as I applaud the author for his endless flow of ideas, I'm still waiting to see greater development in the dialogue of the story. He gets his point across just fine, but I believe his fanon can become the great story it's meant to be with the advice I'll soon elaborate on. Scoring time!
- Plot - 5.0: I apologize greatly. When I score plots, it's not based on how much I personally like the idea of the story, but how well-rounded and complete the plot has been constructed. This plot is falling dangerously close to not being developed; there's no other way to put it. I can still see its faint outline, but too many other elements are elaborated on that causes it to stray constantly. What I know of the plot is great, no doubt, but I strongly encourage the author to keep a firm eye on the true story and to remember that each sentence must pertain to it in some way. I know and like the main elements of this plot, but eliminating the vagueness would do wonders!
- Organization - 3.0: Sorry... This goes hand-in-hand with the plot. It's the lack of organization that hinders that plot, and the unsteady plot that causes disorganization. I would advise the author to think of everything that happens between each scene. Each event, as of now, jumps from place to place, and since many of them seem unrelated to the plot, they almost appear random. This is worst when new characters appear without much elaboration, or when they reach a drastically new location. Though this section may sound overwhelming with its score and gripes, the organization can honestly by fixed up in no time if the author would just take a few moments and fill in the missing details. Slow down a bit! More quality within each chapter beats several separate chapters.
- Creativity – 6.0: I do like the ideas that I see so far, such as the organization with the Green Spirit and phoenix tattoos and whatnot, but they just aren't developed enough to show off the author's creativity as of now. They appear simplistic, which often leads to cliche-sounding descriptions. Like I said before, elaborate more whenever you touch on new ideas, and your unique style as a writer will speak for itself. Kudos on the creation of those dark organizations, though - wouldn't have thought of that one myself.
- Writing – 3.0 (x3): I really don't mean to hurt anyone's feelings...not to mention the writing section is always my most critical in reviews (majority will score lowest here). But I feel that I can't give this section a higher score due to a lack of personal effort on the author's part. Having gone through and edited the first 7 chapters, I know the trends of the grammar/spelling mistakes that occur. There are many grammar mistakes that I know the author is capable of avoiding, because I've seen him do it in the earlier chapters. It comes down to some of the most fundamental things like ending sentences with periods, or not capitalizing every word in a sentence. Also, not putting dialogue into quotations and leaving them in a format that makes the fanon sound like a script is not anything that can be blamed on grammar. To the author, I know that it is exciting to move on to the more interesting parts of the story, and that it's easy to get carried away in the progress, but it is critical that you check each chapter carefully for any mistakes before posting. Typing them on Microsoft Office, for instance, would've solved many of the issues that I edited during my read. But run-on sentences, not capitalizing "I"'s, and typing "idk" instead of "I don't know," will negatively impact the reader's experience more than you can imagine. Abbreviations and punctuation errors are a sign of neglect, and that's the last thing you want to show in a public fanon. I would question the contributions of the fanon's current editors here as well, but most of these issues can be fixed directly by the author. I'm really sorry that this section ended up this way, but you must examine your fanon and make sure it reflects the best quality you can produce. One of the most important things you could do is also to ditch the script-like format. Look more closely at what you write, and always remember that what your readers know is only what you tell them. Don't ever skip a description if you can help it. Your story deserves it!
- Character Development - 2.0 (x2) (Minnichi will feel guilty for the rest of today) I tried my best to be fair in this section, and I've examined each of your characters closely. As of now, they have...little to no development. Development starts with a personality, which grows into unique flaws in each individual that they must learn from as the story progress. Your story consists of so much dialogue that I can't sense much of a personality from anyone at the moment. There's a complete lack of inner reflection, one of the keys of personality. That can sometimes be fixed within the dialogue, but what they say as of now still doesn't contribute much to character. I know that Korra does start to change later on regarding her views about June, but character development is much more than just stating that it happens. We're not shown these actual changes, nor are there any traces of emotion to pick up from. Your characters are hindered most by the simplistic, sometimes unrelated dialogue, and you have to gear the story to show us what goes on in their heads. I see great effort in some areas, but they lack basis. You must develop the personality before you can believably tell us why someone is sad, for instance. Naming emotions right now doesn't create the connection it needs to the characters, and as of now this fanon really needs to pick up on that. They are great characters waiting to be heard! I know you can do it.
- Action - 3.5: The action that I came across in this story wasn't described much, and in general it was described very shortly. While short length is perfectly fine for action, this section suffers from basically the same things as the previous ones. Visuals are lacking and extremely unclear for readers, and I advise the author to keep a clear picture of what's going on as her characters fight. Keep that picture in mind, and tell it to the readers as you see it. We are essentially blind when it comes to reading, so visuals are some of the most important things to focus on. On a side note, the usual "he/she (insert element)bended" problem is here as well, and like always I discourage the use of this term. But it's still for the same reason (lack of visuals), and the action section needs a little kick in descriptions. It will be awesome once you do, trust me.
- Believability – 5.0: Half of believability comes from an idea that I can personally see happening. The other half of believability comes from how well the author sells us these ideas. This fanon is lacking...the second half (hence the deduction). Dark organizations and kidnappings are all very plausible things, but we have virtually no background story on them other than simplistic dialogue. Most notably, Lightningbending is not explained at all. The world of Avatar is full of strange abilities, so I'm not going to say that it isn't possible, but it literally just came out of nowhere. I'm still waiting for an explanation for all these great ideas, as well as more elaboration from them that's not just dialogue. Like I said, the author's perfectly capable of this...just waiting to see that extra effort.
Overall Score: 3.55
My advice for Midori122407: Please don't be discouraged by anything you see above! These are just things that I really want to see happen, because I know that your fanon could do so well in its full potential. By all means, don't stop writing; run your work through spellcheck on Microsoft, or have a beta reader look over it beforehand. Most importantly, though, don't take those punctuation and grammar issues I fixed (you can check the edit history to see what I mean) lightly - they do make all the difference in the reading experience.
- On another note, I will suggest getting an editor who's knowledgeable in grammar. Even if your current team is made of fail editors like me lol, I expected at least somewhat of a difference between the beginning chapters and the later ones - but I didn't see any. Whether the current situation came from laziness or lack of knowledge, make sure someone can revise it. I regretfully do not have the time to go through the rest of your fanon for this; your editors should've been the ones to do that, at any rate.
Who should read Avatar Adventures? Truthfully, someone who's not paranoid about grammar. But really, the ideas are solid and I think it deserves a read like any other creative fanon. It's not an "after the war" one, after all! You'll still get something out of it, and I do mean this sincerely.