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The Wolf of Mibu signing on to review The Legend of Amon by Fruipit and The Origin of Despair, whose names I think sound like a collaboration between rappers*. If I'm not mistaken, Fruipit does the writing while Origin does the editing?
The story follows young Aten, who would later become Amon, as he learns Chi-Blocking and to hate benders**. Though we already know what happened to Amon, I actually think that this is quite a plausible alternate story.
- Mistakes/Grammar: 9.8 The grammar was pretty solid. Only mistake I saw was when one refers to their parents, such as by his father, you do not capitalize "father" unless it is being used as a proper noun.
- General Writing: 8.0 I feel like a broken record here, but constantly beginning sentences with subjects weakens a grammatically strong writer. Most of the sentences throughout the fanon begin with "the" or "he", and it begins to sound repetitive. Like more repetitive than I sound in constantly mentioning it to writers. The sentence structures, while varied, also seemed kind of inconsistent and random, almost detracting from the fact that they were varied at all. However, there were a couple of sentences in particular that really caught my attention and brought out a good side of the writing.
Writing Score: 8.9... B+
- Story: 7.9 And I'm not just saying this because we already know what happened to Amon. The story was rather difficult to get into, and I never really felt attached to what was going on. While plausible, I never really felt for any of the characters or got attached to what was going on. At least for me, it just seemed to lilt along and never really get anywhere.
- Characters/Character Development: 7.5 The development for Amon was decent, however it seemed as though the other characters (and there were only two of them) never really got an amount of character development to really do them justice.
- Genre (Drama): 8.0 The drama was decent, however if I were really to delve into the listed genre I would go into the action, which I wouldn't have particularly categorized the series under. As mentioned above, I was never really able to get into the characters, which I always think is a key part of any drama. Other than that, the writing and development of relationship was very nice.
Content Score: 7.8... C+
Content Quality Categories
- Creativity: 6.0 Honestly, this is what the majority assumed Amon's back-story would be like. There wasn't really anything special about the plot that made it stand out too much...
- Believability: 9.0 As I said, however, this seems to me like a very plausible story about Amon's life. I could very well see all of these events happening to Amon, save the interlude.
Content Quality Score: 7.5... C
Overall Score: 8.0... B-
My advice for Fruipit: As I mentioned, try to vary sentence beginnings a bit more. Then, I have some advice about varying sentence structure. I really like your variation, however sometimes the variation is totally random and almost distracting. My main advice would be to change sentences depending on what's going on. As a general rule of thumb, shorter sentences work best for action and tension and longer sentences work better for character development and more emotional (though not tense) scenes. If you use consistent variation, and then maybe throw in one alteration (for example, use a lot of short sentences and then one longer one thrown in there), it'll highlight your writing abilities a lot better. Further, I must touch on character development. My only real point here is to try to delve into your characters more, and get into the head of not only Aten, but Ming consistently as well. I always say to develop your secondary characters more than your main character, because it seems like naturally one develops their main character very well.
What sort of person would enjoy The Legend of Amon? Actually, not any major Amon fans, because some Amon fans might be a bit frustrated by the fact that it's not canonically accurate. However, anyone looking for an alternate story, or wanting to see one of the most prevalent of the early theories put into writing, should try out this fanon.
*Individually, however, they surprisingly don't sound like rapper names *shrugs*.
**IT'S A ZEUGMA AND YOU GOTTA DEAL WITH IT.