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Fanon Review: The First in a Long Line by Fruipit

MibuWolf September 24, 2012 User blog:MibuWolf
This review was conducted by the Fanon Review Squad and reflects our best judgment of writing and fanon authorship quality. Please don't take offense if the review wasn't positive. We always give advice!

MibuWolf is here on the 24th. Ooo. Yeah. That's right. I'm not on time I'm early. That's right b****es. Since I'm early I can swear--that's how it works ^.^

Also, so I've been reading Bleach a lot lately. The manga, not the cleaning product. I had this stupid moment when reading Fruipit's fanon where I thought that benders used to be called balancers xD

The First in a Long Line by Fruipit follows the in-my-opinion-mis-rated (to be mentioned later) story of the very first avatar.

Writing Categories

  • Mistakes/Grammar: 8.6 For the most part, the grammar was accurate, though there were a couple of "doh!" mistakes, like very obviously unintentional tense mistakes. Oh, and there were some run-ons, mostly in the descriptions.
  • General Writing: 8.8 So here's the thing. I could tell that Fruipit was trying to mix-up the word-choice a bit, but the result was that he overused a couple of uncommon descriptors. I counted three times in five chapters that the word "blanched" was used. "Paled" is much more common and gets the point across--two of the "blanched" could have been "paled", and the same point would have gotten across without being so awkward. It felt kind of like those grammar sentences where you try to fit the word in and it doesn't go at all. (Here's one I did for English class: "Arvel was trying to change his form to be more phantasmagorical" Can you guess what word is the vocab word? xD) In addition, the paragraphs were clumped together which reduced the readability, and some of the sentence structures are repetitive, going back to one of my pet peeves with starting the beginning of sentences with prepositions.

Writing Score: 8.7... B+

Content Categories

  • Story: 9.1 The story is interesting enough. I'm always curious to see how people end up explaining things like how the first avatar came about, and thus I find this fanon pretty interesting. A couple of moments were quite predictable, though other moments were very, very, startling...
  • Characters/Character Development: 8.2 The jerk friend. G-something. Don't remember his name. The jerk character is a bit of a stereotype, and was one of my least favorite parts about the characters introduced thus far. I mean, he seems to be pretty much a conduit to develop Kaio more. I like jerks that get their own development. He's gotten a little, but I'd really like him to have a little bit more of a human side so we can feel a little bit bad for him for a little while and then hate his guts even more when he does something jerkish. The other characters thus far don't seem the most creative, though the development is decent.
  • Genre (Adventure): lakjdtglakjdt It's not adventurey. Since this score has brought down the overall score of fanons that were great because I think they were mislabeled, I'm going to review based on what I would put as the genre. And in this case I'm thinking drama, which I would give an 8.9 rather than the lower score I would give it adventure-wise. I felt that there were several moments in which Fruipit really delves into the human emotion with some of the interchanges between Inna and Kaio, though the lack of suitable-to-me character development kinda brought the score down.

Content Score: 8.7... B+

Content Quality Categories

  • Creativity: 8.6 I'm pretty sure there's another fanon about the first Avatar... I haven't read it so I don't know if they're similar, but yeah.
  • Believability: 7.8 Here are my reservations, and if they're ridiculous they're ridiculous. I feel like Water Tribe traditions would be a lot more different about a gajillion years ago with the first avatar than they were in the actual series. I would have liked it if Fruipit had changed a bit more of the traditions and had a more customized old water tribe group thingy. Also, correct me if I'm wrong, but didn't the Northern Water Tribe used to be a group of independent tribes and thus about a gajillion years ago would very likely not have been one tribe?

Content Quality Score: 8.2... B-

Overall Score: 8.5... B

My advice for Fruipit: Okay. I can think of no way to put this in a not blunt way. Rape isn't G. Even if you don't describe anything, I would put it at PG-13 for safety myself, but PG at the least. How I think about ratings is what would have been shocking to you when you were the certain age, given that you understand what's happening because sometimes little kids don't. If I was a five or six year-old and I knew what rape was and I was reading a story with rape in it, I would be horrified. I'd still be horrified as an eight to ten year-old, but it'd be a little bit less bad. Also, SPOILER!!!!!! AVERT YE EYES!!!!!!!! if [name withheld] didn't rape [name withheld] in the second to last chapter posted, I'd recommend clearing that up a bit. I know he slept with her, though, which is still a bit... sketch... Oh, also, that same chapter didn't seem very friendship-y :/

Oh, and don't separate two independent clauses with a comma, use a semicolon or period instead and I'm pretty sure all your run-ons will be cured. Then just everything I mentioned above ^_^

What sort of person would enjoy The First in a Long Line?Anyone looking for a back-story fanon or story of another Avatar, for sure. It's a pretty quick read, so if you're just looking for a quick read it'd be good, too.

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