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Fanon Review: Heiress of the Nile by Lady Lostris

MibuWolf December 30, 2012 User blog:MibuWolf
This review was conducted by the Fanon Review Squad and reflects our best judgment of writing and fanon authorship quality. Please don't take offense if the review wasn't positive. We always give advice!

MibuWolf signing on this fine December day.

Today, I'll be reviewing Heiress of the Nile by Lady Lostris, which follows the story of soon-to-be Fire Lady Lostris and some other people as well in an Egyptian-like Avatar verse. While reading this fanon, I had some very conflicting opinions. Honestly, though, I feel like my end opinion was that it was a little tiny bit disappointing for how much hype it had gotten. Now, I feel like I should take off my thick-rimmed black hipster glasses (which I do wear...) before continuing, but when something is really popular, I expect it to be really good. And if it slips up at all, I kind of have a tendency to slam on it...

Writing Categories

  • Mistakes/Grammar: 9.0 There are some slightly jarring grammar mistakes, and some of them are mistakes and some seem to be misunderstandings. There were a fair amount of commas where there should have been colons, which I feel is just kind of carelessness. Going into comma overkill is all too easy, and it seems like sometimes in sentences which need several commas, a couple grammatically incorrect ones get added in. Second, there were a fair amount of passages after dialogue which began with lower-case letters after end punctuation, which judging from the consistency of this mistake, I can tell that it is a misunderstanding of either the editors or Lostris as a writer.
  • General Writing: 9.7 The descriptions were simply gorgeous. No other word for it: I could clearly see what Lostris was trying to describe, and really get a solid vibe for the setting. However, I felt that the writing seemed to drag a bit during scenes without vibrant descriptions, such as some action scenes and other dialogue-y stuff.

Writing Score: 9.4... A

Content Categories

  • Story: 8.1 I was not a fan of the story. I admit that when I first heard Ancient Egypt mixed with the Avatar world, I dug in my heels and resisted reading. It pulled me along, but never really got me to lift up my feet and walk along with it. The series just didn't feel like Avatar at all: it had bending and stuff as well as some fauna, but when I read an Avatar fanon I expect it to actually feel like the universe as a minimum. Now then, if I was reviewing this in general and not as a fanon, the score would be much higher for reasons which will be below mentioned.
  • Characters/Character Development: 10.0 Holy mother of the spirits I can't tell how much I loved Lostris's characters. I didn't feel like a single one was stereotypical, cookie cutter, Mary-Sue, or anything I usually critique. They were magnificently developed in only six chapters, and I felt like I actually knew them. This is something that I haven't really felt in anything I've read or written since I read the "Great Gatsby". Like I felt the aforementioned book, I felt that every single character was strong, even the less important ones. It was simply put amazing. More often than not, I would finish a chapter simply in awe of how miraculously done all of her characterization was. Kudos, kudos.
  • Genre (Drama): 9.7 I adored all the drama in this series. The maturity and depth of the drama practically made me drool. In all honesty, the only reason this category received any deductions was because of some of the dragging writing in the middle of scenes. However, it was rather rare, and I did not feel like it detracted from the a-ma-zing writing and effort put into the drama of this series.

Content Score: 9.3... A-

Content Quality Categories

  • Creativity: 9.0 This score was incredibly hard to gauge. Yes, it is creative to create a completely different Avatar world which mixes Egyptian history with the Avatar verse, but in all honesty I have a much deeper admiration for people who can creatively work within the boundaries of the explained Avatar world. Even so, the plot and characters were well done, I just think it would have been more creative to work in the bounds of the Avatar verse to make everything work in such a wonderful way. I don't know. I'm conflictedddd...
  • Believability: 8.4 I didn't really buy any of it. In all honesty, if this is supposed to be a long time ago in the Avatar verse, Ancient Asia was one of those first societies and all that so I would have preferred more of an Indian (and I mean Asian Indian, not North American Indian) vibe to it. Further, I don't really particularly think it makes sense to use actual Egyptian places in the Avatar world unless this is in our worlds? This conflict just didn't sit well with me, and I felt the best place to take it out was in the believability.

Content Quality Score: 8.7... B+

Overall Score: 9.1... A-

My advice for Lady Lostris: As you can probably tell, most of my biggest issues were in the basis of the story, so there's not much advice I can give there. So instead, I'm just going to give a mini-grammar lecture. The only reason I know about this rule is because three years of English teachers have dedicated several hours of worksheets to making sure this fact is clear. With dialogue, if the dialogue ends in some form of end punctuation, such as exclamation points, periods, et cetera, the next bit after should start with a capital letter, as that signifies the end of a sentence. Whereas, if you end dialogue with a comma, the next bit starts with a lower case letter. Honestly I think that it should start with a lowercase letter if you're describing the person talking, so I usually just avoid the scenario all-together by describing the character doing something other than talking if I end the speaking with end punctuation. Other than that, just watch the commas--every now and again I found myself overwhelmed with the sheer amount of comma overkill, some of which being grammatically incorrect. That said, I would like you to notice that I did not comment on anything else to improve on other than nitpicky grammar (and it's really nitpicky). Keep up the good work.

What sort of person would enjoy Heiress of the Nile? Everyone should at least try it. Once again, keep up the good work, Lostris.

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