MibuWolf signing in painfully late. Wordbender: I'm really sorry that I couldn't get this done sooner. But today, I'm doing a double review of "Air" and "Avatar - Book Four: Light".
Air by Wordbender is an after-war fanon, following the adventures of all our favorite characters twelve years after the war as conflict is brewing and tension is rising. But first, I have a quick question for Wordbender: does Nanowrimo accept fan fictions?? You mentioned it on your main page, and I was curious.
- Mistakes/Grammar: 9.7 There were a couple of nit-picky grammar things. Nothing I feel a need to comment on, mostly because I presume they were errors. No recurring misunderstandings.
- General Writing: 8.9 The writing was really good, however very repetitive and jerky. I absolutely love Worbender's intentional repetition, however there's a lot of seemingly unintentional repetition that just makes sentences awkward. I'm a Dickens fan, and some of Wordbender's repetition was very reminiscent of Dicken's signature repetition. Also, there were some instances where commas, though grammatically correct, just make a sentence seem choppy. It's okay to use short sentences every now and again. Then there's my usual song-and-dance of subjects at the beginning of sentences.
Writing Score: 9.3... A-
- Story: 8.7 I had a really hard time getting into the plot of this fanon. I've reviewed a handful of after-the-war fanons now, and I'm beginning to see trends throughout them. Honestly, for someone like me, this makes the story not very engaging. However, I do have to give Wordbender some credit, for she does do a good job with twists and turns and the likes. I just... wish there more OC fanons.
- Characters/Character Development: 9.2 Some of the canonical character seemed like they were a bit uncomfortable, and some of the OCs seemed a bit stereotypical/Mary-Suish, but overall I was rather okay with Wordbender's characters and character development, and don't have much more to add.
- Genre (Action/Adventure): 9.0 The adventure writing was really good, but the action writing was not as good. I felt like I was reading a lazy play-by-play rather than really being involved in the action. However, the two balance out to have a pretty solid score for the series's genre.
Content Score: 9.0... A-
Content Quality Categories
- Creativity: 8.3 The scores in this area for after-the-war fanons I've review are gradually going down, because for the most part I've seen it before. There are a couple of conflicts that are exactly like other ones I've read, or are predictable, and it's just hard. Of course, it's not all overly-predictable, and thus it receives a score in the low eights
- Believability: 9.6 Not much to say here. I could see any of these things happening, save the occasional dialogue.
Content Quality Score: 9.0... A-
Overall Score: 9.1... A-
My advice for Wordbender: Instead of just repeating myself with my advice on subjects, I'm going to show you what I mean:
- Azula peered at him disdainfully. She perched at the roof’s pinnacle, rigid and erect. She cast an imposing figure, almost regal, until Zuko crept closer. The light of the manic flames danced over the absurd costume from the theatre troupe. Her loose, tangled hair rippled in the breeze and her eyes were wide and wild, blazing madly as the flickering fire.* She still wore the same heavy makeup from when she had attacked him on the stage. It was smeared over her face now, half-melted from the heat of her flames.
Notice how many times "she" is repeated? Even just avoiding using a particular pronoun or proper noun more than once per paragraph helps a ton. Then, I have some advice on your action. It often seemed like it was just a list of what was happening. It felt like it was usually just the character's name, what they did, and then moving on to how the next character responded. Try to drift away from this a bit... Also, I always like recommend shortening your sentences during action scenes, because it makes it feel more intense, as if you're really there. You seem like a very good writer, and I'm sure it wouldn't be too hard to tweak a couple of things in your writing to make yourself a great writer.
What sort of person would enjoy Air? Anyone who enjoys an after-the-war fanon. It doesn't have too much to offer to those who aren't fans of this type of fanon, however if you just want to read one after-the-war fan fiction, "Air" would be at the top of my recommendation list.
*While these two sentences also begin with subjects, it actually sounds rather all right to begin a sentence with a subject when it's not a proper-noun or pronoun