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Fanon Review Squad Test Review: The Lost Air Temple

Kyoshidude December 12, 2012 User blog:Kyoshidude

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Hello everyone (mainly the present reviewers) This is your friendly neighbourhood spiderman Kyoshidude here, battling it out for a spot on the Fanon Review Squad! Today the review goes to none other than The Lost Air Temple written by kuzonkid7.

Firstly, let's see how well the main page is by summarising the plot in my own words

The Plot In My Words: Book One, to my knowledge, follows Avatar Gatton (known by most of us here as 'Unamed Fire Avatar'). Here the Avatar must face assassins and deal with some crazy-as Fire Sages. It isn't unitl the second book that the 'Lost Air Temple' even comes into play. This second book is about Gatton and his discovery of this Central Air Temple, where airbending children mysteriously go missing.

That sounds about right. ANYWAY! Let's begin.

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Interest Level: I was pretty excited to read about the 'Unamed Fire Avatar' but the reason I'm marking this down is the fact that the plot summary doesn't give much for the readers to get excited about. Try reeling us in with more emotive words or suspense. Just to add, I first thought Book One was about the Fire Nation introducing a Fire Lord as the main governing system instead of sages. It was only when I read further that I was proved otherwise. You might want to re-word your plot summary. Also, knowing this is unchangeable, the title was a bit misleading - causing a disinterest, so to speak. 'The Lost Air Temple' made me think the fifth air temple would be the premise for the entire fanon, not just the second book. For you future fanon writers, make sure the title of your fanon coincides with the overall plot/journey - it just helps tie everything together for your readers. 8.6

Flair/Creativity: A fanon about a previous/sucessing Avatar is an aspect that shouldn't get one marked down, we're writing Avatar fanon! Giving us your story on how the Fire Sages become corrupt is very original and a fifth Air Temple definitely scores some points. 9.0

Action: Now. Where do I start? The action in this fanon is...for use of a better word, basic. You explain what they do in one sentence (e.g. He took down another assassin. His dad took down two. From Fiery Finish Part Two) Use more detail. How do your characters feel about battling? Are they scared? Do they regret challenging someone? What muscles or body parts hurt or tingle? Tell us how they move. I'll try with the excerpt used before: Baizken looked to his left. An assassin, his face covered by a crimson hood, charged at him with excellent speed. Tensing his stomach Baizken lurched forward and swinging his sword over his shoulder and using the face of it to hit the man's head, the assissin was knocked clean out. Baizken sighed. It seemed he would never stop fighting. He just wanted it to be over. His father was on the other side of the room, heaving great amounts of air. It's nothing special but it just helps reaffirm the character and their body type, their attitudes and their skill. Using long sentences can slow down the fights if you really want to show the character's inner emotions, or short sentences can make a battle more intense. Use a mix and you're sure to improve. 6.7

Character Development: For an adventure fanon the characters' simplicity works well. But every story needs to delve into someone's emotions. Do this regularly and you'll see a character evolve before your very eyes. I'm not saying make a good guy suddenly turn bad. Just tell us how they feel and what they think. As readers we'd much rather watch people grow than see them fight all the time and say cliched things. Read over your work and see if you feel for your characters, because I did not at all really. 6.9

Genre (Action/Adventure): The adventure aspect of this fanon fits well with the travelling, the intruige and the likeable characters. The action, however, is what brings this score down. Refer to the action section to learn what you could improve on. 7.5

Believability: I can see the Sage vs Fire Lord debacle happening. And assassins are believable too. And a fifth temple...well...that's a stretch but it's fanon and I'm open to many things when it comes to fanon. 8.1

General Writing: Write with more detail. Readers want to know where they are, who they're with and what these people are feeling. Instead of saying "Gatton was in a meadow with Finosa" tell us about the flowers, the light. What are the smells? Readers want to experience the scenery not read it. Be poetic. With fiction - particularly fanon - you can put in as many literary techniques as possible: similie (his eyes were as blue as the ocean), metaphor (the coin was a little, sparkling sun), alliteration (lovely lamb, flickering flames), personification (the trees waved to the travellers) to name a few. ALSO. When doing dialogue please, please, PLEASE tell us who is saying what. So many times I had to back track to realise who was speaking. A little example of mine "This will make a good camp," said Gatton.

"Yes. Real cosy," Baizken replied cynically , kicking the shabby looking 'shelter.'

"Watch the sarcasm." Gatton punched his grandson lightly to discipline him.

Stuff like that will make your fanon easier to read and more enjoyable. Detail is basically all you need to reel people in. They'll love you for it. 6.6

Final Score: 7.6

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What the author does: Kuzonkid7 creates an original story that's quite interesting. Don't throw away any of your good ideas kid! He depicts the action genre believably.

What the author needs to work on: There's nothing wrong with a ton of detail. Anything you don't like personally or punctures the flow you can just get rid of. Work on putting detail into action, scenery and characters' emotions. Don't just jump from place to place - mostly it's the time when the characters are left with time to think and reflect is when the juicy stuff arises.

Recommended audience: I 100% think this suits most people on this fanon portal. It's got laughs, action and adventure. It's easy to read - a bit jumpy and awkward at times - but on the most part enjoyable. Definitely worth a check out.

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