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Hello, fellow Avatar Wikians!here, reviewing by .
I always start off giving an overview of the plot of the story in my own words. But honestly, the plot was so jumbled and unclear that I'm not so sure I can do that, especially when there are only two chapters. That's another thing; don't request a review when you've only released two chapters, and that goes for everyone. The most brilliant writer in the world couldn't pull off a decent score in every category in doing so. So, sorry if this review comes off as harsh.
Anyways, according to a plot summary, the story details the life of Elquiorra, Korra's immediate successor, who has already mastered each of the elements. However, he must now contend with a man called "The Death God," who has apparently conquered Republic City. He has a group of enforcers called the Biobenders, who bend peoples' energies and life forces.
Plot (x4): 1.7 x 4 = 6.8. Two reasons why this score is so low: There have been two chapters, and I therefore cannot judge how well the plot is portrayed, and the idea itself is quite out there and cliche, with little reasoning. Basically, it's this plot with some guy who can apparently make people die and his followers who can magically bend life forces. Sorry, not the most intriguing plot idea to me.
Writing (x4): 6.3 x 4 = 25.2. Omar's a pretty decent writer, but remember, decent only means slightly above average. His description is fairly decent, but in many parts, the entire thing feels like a bunch of words mushed together. Also, the description can be very hard to understand; don't give too much description if it means the setting will be hard to understand. Also, everything is very choppy in many parts. It would be like me writing like this:
He climbed the stairs. They were tall. There were 42 of them. He was tired. He went into the next room. What was waiting there was shocking.
Don't be afraid to combine some sentences, as when you don't, it can make for a very choppy story.
Creativity (x3): 9.3 x 3 = 27.9. As much as I dislike the plot idea, it's truly something I've never seen in the Avatar fanfics. Quite original. I just can't give you that extra .7 because I haven't been able to tell where you'll take the story.
Action (x2): 4.6 x 2 = 9.2. Eh, not terrible. But as I said, the choppy writing really detracts from everything, including the action. Also, action was really quite rare, and when we got it, it was quite rushed and not exactly realistic. The "fights" were Elquiorra knocking out bad guys in two hits. Still, the description was pretty good.
Character Portrayal (x2): 0 x 2 = 0. I feel so bad giving out a 0, but I've vowed to be an honest reviewer. But lackluster and rare dialogue, which was more often than not lacking any kind of passion, lack of personality, and no development (there were two chapters, as I said) make for this terrible score. This is made even worse by the fact that there is only really one character to portray so far, and that's Elquiorra.
Realism (x2): 5.4 x 2 = 10.8. All the dialogue seemed like it could happen, but everything was so terribly rushed that I couldn't give this score much higher than a 5.
Engrossment (x2): ...0 x 2 = 0. I felt terrible giving out one zero, so I feel absolutely horrendous giving a second. But when I read the two short chapters, my only thought throughout most of it was, "When is this chapter going to end?!" Sorry, but TBbNtB did not pull me in at all.
Grammar, Spelling, etc. (x1): 4.4 x 1 = 4.4. There were a LOT of mistakes. Literally, every five sentences, I found something. The main problem was with the possession rule. When showing possession of something (i.e. "Tom's shoe"), there's an apostrophe before the s. There were many other various grammatical problems, including verb tense and "who" problems (Like sometimes I would see "He have" instead of "He has"). Spelling was always excellent, however.
Final Score: 84.3/200, simplifies to 4.215/10.
What does To BE but Not to BE have? In its two chapters, its creativity really shines through. The writing was also fairly decent.
What does TBbNtB lack, and how can Omar improve it? WRITE. MORE. CHAPTERS. Otherwise, what you can fix is, first off, the choppiness of the story. Combine sentences so that it. Doesn't. Sound. Like. This. Otherwise, be sure you don't sacrifice clarity when trying to describe things; otherwise, it becomes extremely confusing. If you're questioning whether or not someone will understand something, chaange it. Use more dialogue, and give Elquiorra some personality so that he doesn't seem like he's just a plot device. Slow the pace of the story, and don't rush through things. Take your time; sure, it may take a little longer, but it will improve your fanon tenfold. And be sure you read over every chapter, so that you can catch things like this, as well as some grammatical problems.
Is To Be but Not to Be good, and would I recommend it? Not at all, to be quite frank. It could be a decent story, but it needs a lot of improvement. I could not, in good conscious, recommend this story.