Hello, all!here, signing in to review by .
First off, I'm terribly sorry about the lateness of this review; the past few days have been really hectic. Nevertheless, this isn't an excuse, and I'm sorry. :)
Anywho, A:SoaA is an expansion series, dealing with Aang's backstory and life before discovering he is the avatar. Contending with sky bison polo tournaments, treacherous Air Nomads, and (seemingly) his love interest, Mia, is hard for the little airbender, thus the plot of the story is born.
Plot (x4): 8.5 x 4 = 34. Of course, we've all seen fanons delving into the backstory of main characters. However, this is one that doesn't make you groan at the lack of originality. Tie-ins with Sky Bison Polo are quite interesting, and Afiko's relation to the plot is quite intriguing as well. Though some parts feel a little rushed, the overall story is actually quite good.
Writing (x4): 4.3 x 4 = 17.2. First off, let me say, dialogue acts as a saving grace in this category; everything in it is something that sounds real, and is in general very good. However, choppy sentence flow and repetitive pronouns, as well as difficult-to-understand description detract severely from the writing quality.
First off, choppiness is a huge problem. An example is below.
Kuzon ran into the cave. Aang looked at Appa. Appa roared in protest. “It’s okay, you stay out here. We’ll probably be more sneaky like that way.” Appa turned facing the cave as Kuzon and Aang went into it. Meanwhile, the Yamiichiba Hunters scaled the mountain.
Now, a couple of creative conjunctions, descriptive pronouns and some extra spice can really improve this lackluster paragraph tremendously (see below):
As Kuzon ran into the ominous cave, Aang glanced at Appa, who was roaring in protest. “It’s okay, you stay out here. We’ll probably be more sneaky-like that way.” Appa turned, facing the cave as the young friends entered. Meanwhile, the Yamiichiba Hunters scaled the mountain.
Hear the difference? A couple of conjunctions and descriptive sentences can make all the difference in the world when writing a narrative.
Creativity (x3): 7.6 x 3 = 22.8. Like I said, character history fanons are done to death, but this one has some nice twists and tie-ins that make for an interesting story.
Action (x2): 1.2 x 2 = 2.4. Very, very little action is present, first of all. Not counting the Sky Bison Polo tournaments, there has been one action scene so far, and I found it quite confusing. The Sky Bison Polo was decent, but still not good enough to save this category.
Character Portrayal (x2): 6.8 x 2 = 13.6. Aang is spot on personality wise, first of all, and receives a ton of development. Unfortunately, the other characters are either one-dimensional or have no personality at all, namely Mia, Aka, and even Afiko (who we've seen before). Work on developing those three is my advice here...or at least give them a visible personality so they don't seem like cardboard boxes.
Realism (x2): 9.1 x 2 = 18.2. Like I said, Aang is spot on personality wise, and the events that take place are all quite believable. However, Kuzon and Aang might use a little too much slang, and some dialogue moves just a bit too fast. That said, I wasn't too disappointed in this category.
Engrossment (x2): 5.0 x 2 = 10. When it comes to being immersed, ASoaA is completely hit or miss. Some chapters leave me gazing at the screen, not daring to blink, while others have me resting my head in my palm, hoping for them to end.
Grammar, spelling, etc. (x1): 8.7 x 1 = 8.7. The occasional mistake here, another one there, and one or two run-on sentences are present. But they hardly ever distract from reading.
Final score: 126.9/200, simplifies to 6.345/10.
What does A:SoaA have? Great plot twists, strongly believable events, and a good amount of creative writing.
What does A:SoaA lack, and how can RuleroftheBisons97 improve it? Combine. Sentences. That's the main problem. You have potential to be a good writer, if you follow my advice from the writing section. Throwing in the occasional battle doesn't hurt either, and character development is key. Remember that, and the fanon will improve one hundredfold. Otherwise, the advice I give to every writer, read over every chapter for mistakes.
Is Aang: Story of an Airbender good, and would I recommend it? Yes.
Tee 01:26, April 16, 2012 (UTC)