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Fixed FRS Test Review - The Lost Air Temple by kuzonkid7

AcerEvan December 14, 2012 User blog:AcerEvan

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FRSimage
This review was conducted by the Fanon Review Squad and reflects our best judgment of writing and fanon authorship quality. Please don't take offense if the review wasn't positive. We always give advice!

So, have you read my first and second review about The Lost Air Temple by kuzonkid7? I know I am teenager which it stands for labile-actions as the indication of my adolescence. Ah, nevermind.

Same as previous but I decrease the amount of the category. I think the categories were too numerous and they consist of several unneeded categories, such as the Plot Development that similar with Storyline. And also I want to improve my writing skill.

Before you read this, please notice my lack of English and my lack of time. (next year, so December will be my most-active time) Don't worry, I will try to fix my time schedule.

Let's go.

Here we go, to my approach. . .

It’s my habit (infected by Minnichi, thanks!) to put the cover art of the fanon as the first part of the review. Then, I will continue it with the author's plot, and the scores. This is the epic part will come... Unlike other members' unusual creativity, I have my own creativity, by giving the advantages and shortages as the biggest part of my future-review. As you know, Acer is also a human, a person, so these are my advantages and shortage if I will join the group (Be aware, FRS member >:})

Advantages:

  • Likeable
  • Interesting
  • Dedicated
  • Creative
  • Active (and also spirited to be leader)
  • Friendly (Not really much, though)

But, as a human, I've our shortage, such as:

  • Slow-reading
  • I can't stay longer than you at the wiki (2 hour or less, perhaps)
  • Not an English speaker
  • Young
  • Lazy (sometime a review will delayed, but I'd like to review it ASAP)

My review will be written in a conversation-like review, so "you" sometimes refer to the author. However, it's not always. And a decreased count of weighted categories; I will double or maybe triple categories that be the base of the story:

  • Writing - An epic idea from the writer will be nothing if the writing is deficient. (x2)
  • Character Development - The story's progress and the characters' feelings, trait, and how the author develop the antagonist-protagonist. (x3)

NOTE: Don't because I'm the editor, or a good friend of kuzonkid7, I'll give him a "subjective" scores. These are a honest scores from my review. Thanks! :)


300px-Roku_Bending.png

The author, Kuzonkid7, loved all the Avatars before Aang. However, he did think that Avatars like Kuruk and Yangchen were not explored enough, and some weren't explored at all. So when he watched a rerun of The Avatar State, he noticed a man who was not Roku, and that is where the story begins. The author had several ideas, both good and bad. For example, the author planned to kill the entire character cast so he could make them come back from the Spirit World. Other ideas were slightly better, and featured in the books. Yet some were so stupid [weredragons] that he would mention it in the series as a joke. As the idea progressed he finally got the page on the portal.

The Review

  • Storyline : kuzonkid7, you are not an average author within the Fanon Portal. You are a worthy writer! You have English as your native language, and also have a lot of editors so they could help you in writing. However, they couldn't stand anymore if your story is disreputable. Don't take this as offensive review, as I always give advice. First, I see a lot of improvements here and there upon the story, not only in writing but also in development. But be aware of the lack of boring story that maybe, can destruct your fanon. To be honest, I don't really like Fire Nation and I don't really like your Air Nomads. What? I feel sorry to write this, but your story is not really fascinating. For me, the plot is easy to follow, but don't forget to bring spin-off on your story. The writing is confusing for me, that's the biggest problem that makes the story is not really fascinating. Get it?
    The story is rather average tough, for a special author like you. Maybe you can write a longer chapter than the current, so readers can follow the story not too fast-paced and not really boring, so your story will more looks like a real story. To increase the plot-scores, your shortages are lack of spin and twists, and also you need a bigger space to describe it even more. kuzon, also notify readers what things are the main focus of the story. I remember that you write the Central Air Temple as the main plot, but I find a story about Fire Sages on the Book 1. I know Book 1 is rather like a prologue instead of story, but in Book 2, I haven't read an intriguing story about Central Air Temple. 7.0
  • Interest-level : I always happy to review interest-level. This category holds a big composition: the coding, the titlecard, and the plot preview of the story. To The Lost Air Temple, at first sight I guarantee readers won't interested enough by reading the author's plot. kuzon, rewrite it. A cliffhanger on author's plot holds a great opportunity to the story. Maybe as example, I would like to give The Ultimate Waterbender applauds because her fanon has a very, beneficial and interesting author's plot and also tidy main page. Outside from that, before you continue to write any chapter again, rewrite everything on your main page. And tide up the whole page, so it'll become so handy for you to hook people. 7.2
  • Creativity : Fire Sages idea is kind of rare fanon, but story about Central Air Temple sometimes shown on the fanon stories. Cheer kuzon for being creative! The Lost Air Temple has its advantage here. To enhance the creativity, don't give any character too special ability such as connect with the Spirit World but he is not the Avatar--without detail. Smoke. Give him more spaces to explain himself, and I want to say that the lack of Smoke's development can be a massive effect to your whole fanon; and also the writing-case. It can decrease when you're not develop him well, but it can be asset of The Lost Air Temple if you develop it best. Conclusion: Give readers more spaces to know what's happening, and develop characters even more with your creativity. It can be like... Smoke's secret, or even maybe a girl who gonna like Baizken. 8.0
  • Character Development : The story is adventuring, but I find not a big progress of the story within Book 1 and Book 2. Readers can't feel characters' personality well. Sometimes you can find "not a fierce grandma", and sometimes you can notice it. The emotions aren't growing, and my advice is keep writing and lurking for another's fanon. Read the story and see the progression, don't copy it but learn it. After that, don't fear to ask someone about it and re-read your work; I can't give you a great advice in Character Development section, sorry. 6.6 x3 = 19.8
  • Believability : Adventuring, yes. But, the most thing that annoying me is, again, Smoke's ability to sending stuff to Spirit World. He is really creative, but once again annoying because the lack of description. I can't see the escape is really happening; how Gatton could believe that Smoke is a good guy? I notice that Gatton do not have any fear to him, just asking does he have a fighting skill, etc. And second, how Smoke find his ability? I would suggest you to give one-shot to develop him in any case; you can't just rewrite the whole chapter, you know? ;) So, give more believable event but don't decrease the creativity. Writing is hard, right? For skywalker, I haven't see the details you promise me. 7.8
  • Organization : I'm sorry for giving a negative-like review, but I see your organization in The Lost Air Temple is pretty terrible. The "Last time on TLAT" is helping me on reading and see what was happening last time, so prop for you on chapter-timeline. The story is planned in a good way, imo, but I bet readers can't read the story and articles clearly. Your improvement to separate the story while changing POV is good, but if I were you, I would not create any character page if it is undone. Plan and organize it carefully, and keep your eyes open from tense switches. Flow the story naturally and keep readers in their mind. Re-read the story first before you publish the chapter, and don't think you're the author; read it as reader, not author. "What will they think about this?" 6.4
  • Writing : I don't know how many times I should say sorry, even more because my bad edits on The Lost Air Temple. kuzon, sorry, I played my role as editor thus far as a bad editor. The Lost Air Temple shines in creativity, but I suggest you to writing more for gaining experience. Flow the sentences better, don't make it choppy. Furthermore, the action you write is not enough; make it better with more details. How does Finosa learn her firebending? Give her more spaces to explain her skills, in this case, you can use the technique, and accident that happen when she learn it first. Everyone beneath the horizon is not in any case excellent nor perfect. Next, I think you have grown by giving "Who is talking" after the dialogue, but he, she, it, they, I, you, we, etc etc. is rather ambiguous. Give more specific person so readers can easily follow the story. Another thing that you need to improve is how you elucidate the description. I will say Lady Lostris has overdone herself in description. No matter who you are, kuzon, I know you can. By reading everything about description, and try to make it vivid, you can easily make readers know where is the story happening, how is the place, what thing does the character use/hold/wear, etc etc. Give more spaces to elaborate your fanon description, because vivid description is the base of everything you need to have a great fanon. 6.0 x2 = 12.0
  • Grammar/mistakes : I noticed a lot of tense switches from Past Tense to Present Tense, and otherwise. The first publish of Book 2 is really intriguing to read, but I noticed you used Present Tense instead of Past Tense. I've asked you which one you use, and I also agree with you that Past Tense is a lot better for story, imo. The action happened in past, and the function of the story is retell readers about it. (but the action is a fiction) For a fanon with 5 editors, and some of them are great in writing, offend them to spend their time for editing the typos and tense switches. It could be better if you send one, or maybe even two to beta-edit it; edit before the publishing. I must tell you, don't be discouraged BY these scores. The Lost Air Temple is decent. 5.5

Overall Scores:

73.7/11 Or 6.7/10

What are kuzon's advantages? First, creative INTERESTING. Kuzon has show us his skills to write, and he's also an active member of Avatar Wiki, moreover in Fanon Portal! Second, kuzon is fun-loving. He's also fast to write and looks like don't have any writer's block. Next, potential. TLAT is potential to be an awesome story, in next days, but I believe thousand steps you'll meet, kuzon, it all begins in one small step. Anyway, TLAT also an active fanon at Fanon Advertisement System, attracts more readers to come. Also, if you notice, TLAT is good at the quality. Only the biggest thing that can't make this fanon higher, (need to be constructed) is the writing. As a person, he has a lot of advantages out of my duty as FRS member, though.

What kuzonkid7 could improves on? The writing. My advice to kuzon is, don't be too shy to bother editors to rewrite! Grammar and spell checking can make this fanon more famous and better, maybe you can bother Minnichi to large rewrites your fanon >:}

So, who will enjoy to read TLAT? Yeah, almost all people will like this, but specifically, adventure-lover, undiscovered Avatar-fan, and historian will enjoy this most. Action-lover also must give this one a worth place on the fanon list. ^^


Okay, everyone who read this... I can't imagine myself write a review this long... :D Many thanks to the virus who infects me in write a review, weighting categories, and "borrow" her format! Thanks a lot!

And, thanks for commenting. Thoughts are much appreciated. ^.^

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