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FRS Test Review: The Lost Air Temple by kuzonkid7 - Acenglished!

AcerEvan October 5, 2012 User blog:AcerEvan

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FRSimage
This review was conducted by the Fanon Review Squad and reflects our best judgment of writing and fanon authorship quality. Please don't take offense if the review wasn't positive. We always give advice!

NOTICE: I'm currently reached labile stage, so if you want to read this review, please go here: link.

Hi, fanon-folks! Acer here to assigning his first installment of FRS – The Acenglished Review!

Why I finally decided to put my test review here, now, as FRS member? I doubt you are...

It's only because I love fanon. I always click the "Fan Fiction Portal" navigation whenever I logged in, and always read the FRS reviews. I love to judge, I love to give advice. But please note that I am not an English speaker, period.  ;) Anyway, I got experiences in writing, more honed since A3 gave my inaugural review for Phoa, thanks! And, I also got experiences whenever I read FRS reviews.

Here we go, to my approach. . .

It’s my habit (infected by Minnichi, thanks!) to put the cover art of the fanon as the first part of the review. Then, I will continue it with the author's plot, and the scores. This is the epic part will come... Unlike other members' unusual creativity, I have my own creativity, by giving the advantages and shortage as the biggest part of my future-review. As you know, Acer Indonesia also a human, a person, so these are my advantages and shortage if I will join the group (Be aware, FRS member >:})

Advantages:

  • Objective
  • Honest
  • Creative
  • Active, (and also spirited to be leader)
  • Friendly (Not really much, though)

But, as a human, I've our shortage, such as:

  • Slow-reading
  • Not stay longer than you at the wiki (2 hour, perhaps)
  • Not an English speaker
  • Young
  • Lazy (sometime a review will delayed, but I'd like to review it ASAP)

In the review, there will be some score-lifting, such as:

Writing Categories

  • Grammar (x2)
  • General Writing (x3)

Content Categories

  • Story (x2)
  • Character Development (x3)
  • Genre (x1)

Content Quality Categories

  • Creativity (x1)
  • Believability (x1)
  • Interest-level (x2)

NOTE: The bolded category will indicates that it's the advantages of the story.

No action? Why?  : Sometime, some fanons aren't an Action-type fanon, such as The Tour, Scarf, etc. But I know there are several actions there, but it's hard to count them.


And the grades, possibly changes anytime (depends on the fanon quality):

Above average: keep it up!

  • A+ : 10.0
  • A  : 9.9 ~ 9.5
  • A- : 9.4 ~ 9.0
  • B+ : 8.9 ~ 8.6

Average: nice, let's work harder to get A!

  • B  : 8.5 ~ 8.2
  • B- : 8.1 ~ 8.0
  • C+ : 7.9 ~ 7.6
  • C  : 7.5 ~ 7.2
  • C- : 7.1 ~ 7.0

Below average: let's write harder!

  • D+ : 6.9 ~ 6.6
  • D  : 6.5 ~ 6.2
  • D- : 6.1 ~ 6.0
  • E  : 5.9 ~ 0

So, you know me, let's go to my first FRS – The Acenglished Review!


NOTE: Don't because I'm the editor, or a good friend of kuzonkid7, I'll give him a "subjective" scores. These are a honest scores from my review. Thanks! :)


300px-Roku_Bending.png

The author, Kuzonkid7, loved all the Avatars before Aang. However, he did think that Avatars like Kuruk and Yangchen were not explored enough, and some weren't explored at all. So when he watched a rerun of The Avatar State, he noticed a man who was not Roku, and that is where the story begins. The author had several ideas, both good and bad. For example, the author planned to kill the entire character cast so he could make them come back from the Spirit World. Other ideas were slightly better, and featured in the books. Yet some were so stupid [weredragons] that he would mention it in the series as a joke. As the idea progressed he finally got the page on the portal.

Writing Categories

  • Grammar - 6.9 (x2): kuzonkid7 goes wrong using a separated bending-name, such as "water bending" instead of "waterbending", and "avatar" instead of the correct one, "Avatar". Don't mean to blame you, kuzon, I know humans have their own shortages, and you must work harder in this case. For me, as we know in commons, using a separated bending is not the correct one; but it is your fanon! Anyway, I found several grammatical errors in the first chapter, by using a period on the end of dialogue, but it's before the explanation: ""I was right," announced the sage. "Your son is the Avatar." He allowed the shocked family some time to take in the news. "...You will bring him up well?" Why not use: "I was right," the sage announced, smiling to the couple. "Yes, your son is the Avatar," he allowed the shocked family some time to take in the news. "...You will bring him up well?" One more, in these days, kuzonkid7 used "present tense" instead of "past tense", which he used before. If I remember, it's shown at the beginning of Book 2. Work hard, kuzon!
  • General Writing - 7.1 (x3): To be honest, the writing is almost on standard. kuzonkid7 gives us a story, with a nice writing, but nothing flattered me on the writing. Don't get me wrong with this score, but please notice that my writing is also poor. The flaws are extra-bolded at the paragraph before dialogue. If you want a higher score, there is a big thing you can improve, kuzon. Description and details poetry/metaphor also sound good. In the past chapters, I read that you tell us "what's going on?". It's good, but by improving the description about the whole day, about the places, or the character description (colors).

So, it is... 7.02 (C-)

Content Categories

  • Story - 7.8 (x2): At the first book, you tell readers about Gatton's first journey to be the fully-realized Avatar; but no! The story, actually is good, but it'll be a better story if you, kuzon, don't write a fast-paced story. The first book was fast-paced, didn't* describe the Avatar's training really well. But, in Book 2, you did a great job at cliffhanger.
  • Character Development - 6.0 (x3): Asking about the characters, I stay with 6.0, not a really good one. I noticed, that kuzon has done the characters nicely. Although, some flaws are placed here and there, get this score lower than 7. I love how grandma is always worrying her grandchildren. Be ambitious to get higher score, by enhance your writing style, moreover at the character development in next books.
  • Genre - 8.0 (x1): Action/Adventure. I really love the adventuring story about the Avatar and the Fire Sages in the first book, but the biggest flaws here are on how you describe it. The writing, didn't attract me yet to give a higher score at the genre, and if you want a higher score in next review, read Minnichi's tutorial on write action scenes.

So, it is... 6.93 (D+)

Content Quality Categories

  • Creativity - 9.0 (x1): I have read a lot of fanons, but TLAT gives us an interesting story with "Unnamed Fire Avatar" story! kuzon affects me to be a fan of "Unnamed Fire Avatar". Really! This is my strongest compliment to TLAT! :D Good job.
  • Believability - 8.2 (x1): I like the whole story, I don't know if I've told you before; cereal? Really? Fire Nation school was there for hundred years, but cereal?** The most unbelievable thing on TLAT is Smoke, who can enters Spirit World, but he is not an Avatar. Smoke can increase the creativity, but this time, he decreases your believability score. Also, I didn't see any "wah" on TLAT. I hope book 2 will be more believable, and 8.2 is not a bad score.
  • Interest-level - 8.5 (x2): Not interesting on the first sight, but affecting inside the story.*** But, I don't super-excited to read the chapter, only because the writing; but interested, yes. Sorry, kuzon, but looks like writing is your toughest enemy here.

So, it is... 8.55 (B+)

Overall Scores... 7.5! (C)
All scores are Out of Ten.


What are kuzon's advantages? First, creative INTERESTING. Kuzon has show us his skills to write, and he's also an active member of Avatar Wiki, moreover in Fanon Portal! Second, kuzon is fun-loving. He's also fast to write and looks like don't have any writer's block. Next, potential. TLAT is potential to be an awesome story, in next days, but I believe thousand steps you'll meet, kuzon, it all begins in one small step. Anyway, TLAT also an active fanon at Fanon Advertisement System, attracts more readers to come. Also, if you notice, TLAT is good at the quality. Only the biggest thing that can't make this fanon higher, (need to be constructed) is the writing. As a person, he has a lot of advantages out of my duty as FRS member, though.

What kuzonkid7 could improves on? The writing. My advice to kuzon is, don't be too shy to bother editors to rewrite! Grammar and spell checking can make this fanon more famous and better, maybe you can bother Minnichi to large rewrites your fanon >:} But, 7.49 is a good one.

So, who will enjoy to read TLAT? Yeah, almost all people will like this, but specifically, adventure-lover, undiscovered Avatar-fan, and historian will enjoy this most. ^^

*: I know kuzon will. Give me your best shot, kuzon!
**: Sorry, I got confused to differentiate between TLAT and a fanon about Avtar, I forgot where. Apologize for my stupidity. ^^" ***: Just like my feel to IRC. XD

Gud lak to all candidates, and sorry for the grammatical errors. >_>


R E V I S E D
Pakku's class I’m sorry if you feel this review is sort of negative-like review, but I know that you’re looking for advice. Don’t worry! I always show your advantages and giving advice!

Editorial

  • Writing Style 7.0 (x2) - kuzonkid7, I know you are "new" at writing. And you know, I see an increased skill from you, blossoms each day until right now. A very impressive job, keep it up. In the latest episode, Under Ground, I read an interesting style with italiced description, and you write it in First Person! Overall, not bad in the style, but nothing is wowed me.
  • General Writing 7.1 (x2) - Once again I remind you, to write "Avatar" with capitalized A, not "avatar". The latest chapter I've read, Under Ground, sounds neat but I noticed a little few of mistakes in writing. As you know, you can describe people with what're they wearing, or something like that, but "the man from the Southern Water Tribe who wore a mask" is too long for that description. Poetry, or metaphor will be nice, but in that case, I advice you to compress the description. Maybe sounds like this: "Wong," addressed the man. He came from the Southern Water Tribe, wore a mask. "Should we not take her to the temple?"
  • Grammar 7.0 (x3) - Increased since the first review. I noticed the grammatical errors were hard to find in the Book 2. In Recap, I will, but as reviewer want to tell you: Edit the tense-switches. Past tense or present tense. Decent work, but still, work hard, kuzon!

So it is....7.0 (C-)

Content

  • Storyline 8.2 (x2) - The Lost Air Temple is a decent story to read, but when readers come across to read, the plot is twisting everywhere. The transition from Book 1 to Book 2, although, doesn't seem really awesome. You have two more chances to change your transition between books, and to rewrite the whole chapter. How good you are at this thing, and I see a vivid, more clear view in Book 2.
  • Character Development 7.0 (x3) - A really great job in latest chapter. I like how Senzin busted Cori when he wanted to escape. I see you inspired from Katara and Korra's scene in the first episode of TLoK, if my guess were right. You have a potential-characters, will be legendary if you develop them more deep, emotional, but strong in his/her character. The Air nuns also developed nicely.
  • Genre 8.0 (x1) - Average score from the first review. You have a nice job in Genre, see above for the summary.

So it is.... 7.6 (C+)

Essence

  • Creativity 9.0 (x2) - In my experience on reading fanons, TLAT gives us an interesting story with "Unnamed Fire Avatar" story, I never read this (except TLAT, of course! You affect me to be a fan of "Unnamed Fire Avatar". Really! This is my strongest compliment to TLAT! :D Good job.
  • Believability 8.1 (x1) - Skywalker.. Not really believable, but still worthy to got 8. ;)
  • Engrossment 8.3 (x1) - I see TLAT will be a legendary story. And I always interested to read, moreover when Book 2 came lately. I love Air Nomads, and people do. You describe the Air Nomad clearly, and well-ly. Also, title will gives a big effects on this. Under ground is refer to Western Air Temple, right?  :D
  • Best Scenes 8.8 (x1) - The best scenes? I think the coming Black Lotus and action scenes in both Under Ground and Siege of Sages. Read it, guys!

So it is.... 8.64 (B+)

Behind the Scene

  • Plot Development 7.8 (x1) - Similar to storyline, but in "Behind the Scenes". Fall of Sages is really fall of them, good. Nothing is out of the loop in TLAT.
  • Organization 8.8 (x1) - I can't see where the story will go from the main page, I didn't see. I only read a classic-chapter titles without summary, but 19 summaries will full filled the whole main page... Hm... Okay, advice, the Book summary should written more clearly. Good job at the character-list.

So it is.... 8.3 (B)

Overall Scores... 7.9! (C+)
All scores are Out of Ten.

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