Overall, if I take out the <nowiki/>s and preview it in the editor it looks fine to me, but is there anything in specific you need help with? Fair warning, I'm not an expert in wikitext (templates etc.) or fanon, but I can try ^_^
Hey GP, long time, no speak. I was hoping you could provide some third party insight to this matter, if you wouldn't mind. The portion of text in question can be found in the third paragraph here. Thank you very much; I appreciate the help.
I'm not the writer type so I'm not too good at this, but here goes:
From the narration in the opening paragraphs, it sounds like an epic tale like someone would tell sitting around the campfire, sort of like the feeling you get in the opening lines of Beowulf. What I mean to say is, the voice is certainly there. Thus, when I get to that first line of dialogue and the narrator's voice disappears, it feels like a sudden break in the flow of the story. I think you could go three ways: a campfire tale; a dialogue-driven, blood-pumping action-suspense story; or a thrilling combo of both.
There are a lot of questions that I picked up on:
1. What does Arlo do, specifically involving the Avatar, that makes the ninjas go after his family? 2. Who orchestrated the kidnapping and why? 3. Who are the ninjas? We haven't seen any in the world of Avatar yet, so additionally:
Who came up with the idea?
Are they actually called ninjas?
Why are they needed?
4. Lots of "why" surrounding Damien:
Why does he have so many clothes?
Why does he have inside information on the kidnapping?
Why is he able to fight off two ninjas?
Why do the ninjas discover his house?
5. And then a personal question: what is the significance of the Kyoshi painting, besides covering up the secret passage? Please don't answer them now, but the writer could always benefit from knowing what his readers wonder :)
You make liberal use of () brackets to enclose information; I think if you got rid of them in the future, your story would read more like a narrative and less like a police report (unless, of course, you're writing a police report).
That's all I can pick up on, with my limited knowledge of writing techniques. Perhaps you could get a more informative response from Ol' Fruipy, Lostris, or Thor :P
Thank you so much, this gives me a lot to work with.
Now concerning Damien, his identity and back story is in chapter 1. After they reach the end of the tunnel, it will reveal more about him. Arlo will also come into play around chapter 3 or 4. And I was actually thinking about how I should add information about the ninjas.
I might add like a prequel chapter in between like 2-3 or something like that.
And I am sure you are busy and all but maybe I could keep you updated on the story or something just so maybe you could see the final product? Let me know when you get the chance.
Chapter 1 reader observations: 1. Damien has an escape route to every nation. This guy must get attacked a lot. 2. Chaos is capitalized. 3. "With a cup of tea I am sure" (possible Iroh reference?) 4. The central theme could be something dealing with the "nature of perfection" or something along those lines. Of course, that would call for a difficult-to-enact multi-pronged attack :D 5. Interesting juxtaposition, chaos and perfection. 6. A new form of bending?
I think you could use some "show, not tell". For example, "heavily crowded city"—how crowded was it? What did the scene look like, what were the colors, the sights, the smells? And of course in your imagery, if you so desire, you can relate to the central themes/characters/plot, etc. ;) Some other instances I noticed were "mysterious looking house" and "fancily decorated home".
For a flashback, I don't think you need "flash back" and "flash back ended" markers; italics may suffice.
Chapter 2 reader observations:
The characterization of the captain is certainly interesting. The construction of the dialogue gives him a very distinct "Bumi (II) meets One Piece" sort of feel, and his flashback is seamlessly integrated into the flow of the chapter. Perhaps this flashback and the captain's character could be used by Rylan as a sort of stepping stone toward understanding perfection (if that is the theme you're going for :P).
"[The arrow] barely penetrated his skin, but it had some instant effect of making him delirious." Perhaps shirshu spit darts? This could tie into Oreon's backstory/character somehow. Or he could have bought them at a military surplus store or something...
And now you've just sat through another ~300 words of my rambling O.O
Hey I'll take 300 words of rambling over like 5 words any day.
and first of all I am so glad you caught the Iroh reference, he is my FAVORITE of all time. And as for the captains story, I was going to try to put it back in the story to help/benefit Rylan in some sort of way. That's why I put emphasis on his story. And I didn't really think about the arrows too much, I just kinda got the idea from some arrows longshot had from his appearances as a freedom fighter.
And once again, I literally cannot describe how much this helps me. I don't know how much you really want to keep doing this but I will keep you updated on the story.
"WITH NO WIFI" Oh, I hear you. We went to Yellowstone last summer and I ended up writing this page entirely from my phone and submitting it over the cell network (wiping most of the family data plan in the process) >_<
I KNOW RIGHT!!, I went to Florida last year, and I stayed at a hotel, that had wifi... you know UNTIL IT GOT SHUT OFF FOR MATINENCE. -_- (FACEPALM 1000%) I wasted all of out our data writing a few chapters and listening to Pandora off my phone. Lets just say I didn't see my phone for a while XD.
I haven't been able to be on my computer much because of work , school , and sports. I havent even had time to wark Legend of Korra Season 4 :c, but I heard that was the last season confirmed from the creators. But they did say they would possibly make more avatar stuff later. But anyways, I maybe will have time to finish out through chapter 10 because I have 2 weeks off from my job and school. So Ill post the next chapter on here so you can read it whenever you get a chance.
The first paragraph is vague and could probably benefit from sticking to one set of verb tenses instead of 6 ("reconciliated", "to get", "got", "has seen", "says", "is getting"). If you were to read it out loud to yourself you might understand what I mean; what makes sense in your head might not sound right to other people.
Be careful with word choice (diction), as this influences the tone of the story. Some particularly awkward phrasing I spotted was "manage his ship to get to shore", "filled with the most rage of his life", "able to immediately put 2 and 2 together"; these distract from the flow of the story, especially in tense moments, and you might consider using more vivid or concise descriptions in the future. Which takes me to my next point—
SHOW, DON'T TELL!!!!1!!!111!!!!!!11!!!!!!!11!!!!1!!1!1!!!! *ahem* But in all seriousness, you could benefit from a little "show" to go with your "tell". This'll give you a better description of the concept than I could. Some examples of "show" that could've used a more in depth description include "most of the outer lights are dimmed and the inside lights are on", "sees something horrifying", and "a burst of combo moves". There's also a lot of "explaining" going on in this chapter. Surely it's not all done with the same feeling and tone, so try using adverbs alongside "explained" to better fit each situation, or perhaps change the verb itself.
There are times throughout the story when you have a real "campfire story-telling" voice, kind of like what I mentioned way back in post #2. Some particularly impressive moments for me were "but let's be honest, no one short of the avatar could protect them self from this enraged attack", "not a single word spoken", "All Damien can think of is this immense pain he feels, as he has is dead lover in his arm, feeling absolutely hopeless". These are mostly concentrated in intense scenes (I was tempted to quote the whole "Damien leaves Calix after thanking him" paragraph just now), but if you could capitalize on this skill of yours throughout the whole story I think it could really bring a unique atmosphere.
(Here's me making an assumption, but it seems like you really enjoy writing fights. It also seems like you rush through the less intense parts to get to the fight scenes. As an anime addict (^_^), I can tell you with confidence that your "establishing shot" is everything, and that setting the right tone is not only important to making your universe and characters believable but also will make your fights *that* much better. Consider this, from the anime Revolutionary Girl Utena, as an example. Also, spoiler warning.)
And speaking of the atmosphere: despite the irregularities I mentioned in terms of grammar, word usage, etc., I enjoyed the general "feels" that you evoked in this chapter. Almost takes me back to when I first got in to anime (;_;) *sniffle*. The violence and the distress bracketed by the calm of the team's arrival in the beginning and the barbecue in the end really seems to parallel the isolation of Damien's inner emotional world.
Since I've rambled on this long (congrats on making it this far), I'll spare you from any additional "reader observations". Well, except for one, since I can't resist: Kairi's name sounds an awful lot like the Japanese word 帰り (kaeri), meaning "return". :P
I'm not on my computer right now so this reply isn't going to be drawn out I will reply my longer thoughts later. Kairi comes from the video game series kingdom hearts one of my favorite game series of all time. And I also am an anime addict which brings me to another matter for a later time. But thank you for reviewing this chapter and I'll likely finish the next one tonight. I do enjoy writing the fighting scenes more than anything but I will take note of what you've said and try to improve. But one last thing before I get to my computer. I am trying to learn Japanese so I'm just putting that out there and what are some of your favorite anime.
Sorry for jumping in randomly, but just wanted to mention to Avatar Writer that our community has a Fanon Review Squad specifically for reading and critiquing your writing :) So you don't always have to rely on one user if you're curious about what people think about your fanon. (...Although if you knew about the FRS and haven't signed up because we're behind I can totally understand too eheh)
Which on that note, I also had to point out that GPFluteAvatar is epic at this chapter-by-chapter analysis *_* Not sure where the "I'm not too good at this" statement came from, dang man, kudos to you :D
@AW- I'm gonna hold off on chapter 4 until you have some time to read Minnichi's idea about the FRS and make your decision about that :)
Now, to actually reply to your post :P Kingdom Hearts, eh? My video game experience basically spans MarioKart Wii/DS and this little Japanese DS game called Air Traffic Chaos (from, like, 8 years ago no less) so I can't say I know about Kingdom Hearts; BUT... ANIME! It seems I've found a partner in crime... hehe...
As for my favorite shows? Man, that's like asking somebody "who's your favorite child"... I'm not gonna pin any specific ones down (mainly because I'm torn between, like, 20 or so), but I will say that if it's psychological/philosophical/heavily stylized, then I can probably get into it XD I do comedy/space opera/romance every so often but I don't like having too much. I really tend not to enjoy drama (although I will admit to having willfully sat through both Nagi no Asu kara and Kokoro Connect and, um... may or may not have enjoyed it >.>) Action/shounen tends to be either too much fighting not enough thinking or too repetitive for me, so, um, in case you're wondering ..., I haven't seen Naruto, One Piece, Dragon Ball Z, or Pokemon :D
Hey, I'm learning Japanese too! I don't know how far along you are, but if you're looking for a good resource to practice some basic reading, then this is really helpful, although not for conversational-type stuff. There's also a subreddit with people who translate the articles so that you can check yourself. Nihongo no Mori has some good conversational stuff from the most basic to the most advanced.
@Minnichi- :P idk if your still following this thread, but shucks, I only put "I'm not too good at this" 'cause I meant it XDD
I'd much rather you review it chapter by chapter if that isn't too much to ask considering this has been going on between us for like three years now but if you would rather me contact the frs I'm not gonna be sour or anything. I am decently along with Japanese as I've been trying to learn it for quite some time now but I understand the concepts to learn it I just lack the time and effort lol.
Psycho-pass and Erased are both good shows, yeah. Actually, Psycho-pass was one of the first shows I ever saw... I just watched Erased a couple months back; I can't say I thought it was excellent (was too busy comparing it to Monster, Steins;gate, and Higurashi) but considering the times it was pretty good, I think. I'll tell you what though: if you're looking for some unique stuff I highly recommend the works of master-of-the-dark-arts Yoshitoshi ABe or trippy Yuasa Masaaki.
Now, chapter 4:
First thing I noticed was the improvement of detail in the "non-fight" (?) sections, especially using dialogue. While last chapter's development of Damien through the flashback was appropriate for his character, I think that your style really comes through a lot clearer when you use conversation to create your characters and feelings. (BTW, that's not impersonal "you", that's second person "you" specifically.)
1. "Secret knocking style": is that the 2-3-2 from earlier?
2. Second time with the "head bowing"
3. "My my, it's been so long since I've seen a different Order of the White Lotus Officer"
4. The White Lotus seem to have several set passwords.
Watch out for irregular word usage, such as "his meer companions"; it makes your reader stop and go "what?" instead of staying immersed in the flow of the story. This can be especially troublesome in fights, where the action is flowing as fast as or faster than the reader is reading it. If you want vivid or unusual words I recommend using a thesaurus to make sure that everything checks out.
The "private conversation"/"end private conversation" tags make your story read like a screenplay or a script; I don't know if that's intentional or not ('cause I'm not you :P), but if you want a smoother or subtler transition you could replace those with a description of one character pulling the other aside, speaking in a whisper, etc.
I'm glad you enjoy looking over my work, I greatly appreciate that. Secondly, as for continuing the conversation in Japanese, we can try if you wish but I haven't practiced Japanese in a few weeks now and my keyboard for kana broke =/.
And as for chapter 4, I tried hard to increase the uniquness of the dialogue and tried to use better wording and I feel like I changed it up a bit and it looked a lot better. I took a look at AvatarRokusGhost's Fanon about Energybending and I feel like that's the perfect fanon to strive for. I am going to be working on Chapter 5 tonight but I am going to try to make it big on action so it may be a little longer and more drawn out.
The next topic, anime! I am also a huge fan of anime, this is the first time I've been on my pc since we've mentioned anime in this little chat we have going, and I wanna show you a few others I enjoyed. ReLife is a new anime I've been sorta watching recently and it's actually pretty hilarious, it doesn't fit your psychological/thriller genre but it's very good so far.
Some other unique anime I've seen are Parasyte the maxim, one of my all time favorites, and Mushishi is quite interesting. Death Note/Death Parade are good but I'm sure you've seen those. Ajin was a very iffy anime with me as it had very interesting parts and unique animation but at the same time the plot sorta fell through and at times the animation seemed low budget. Shinsekai Yori is phenomenal in my eyes and I recommend it to everyone who has ever enjoyed anime.
For romance type anime, I have seen quite a few that aren't bad. I loved Anohana, which I recently finished, and another good one was 四月は君の嘘 or other wise known as You lie in april/Shigatsu wa Kimi no Uso. Ore Monotagari wasn't horrible but didn't give me a sense to wanna watch it again.
Lastly, this might throw you off, but I am actually a fan of sports anime, as odd as that may be with my other interests. Kuroko no basket is actually such an awesome show, one of the only shows I've given a 10/10 on. Diamond no ace/Haikyuu are two other sports anime that I enjoyed, even though a sports anime seems odd or super predictable, these I actually enjoyed. Especially Kuroko No Basket , it seems very predictable but I absolutely loved it, you watch a team grow and grow, as they overcome challenges and it will leave you on the edge of your seat.
Kana keyboard...? I'm using the kanji input function in Google Translate; it's about as fast as an OS-based deal (with the added fun of laughing at the awful instant translation that pops up). If you're good by something like that, then I think a little bit of Japanese conversation would be fun, yes :P
ReLife... hmmm, sounds a bit like Erased to me. I might check it out. Parasyte, Mushishi, Death Note, and Death Parade I've all seen and enjoyed, most recently Death Parade, although I don't remember very much from any of those four. There was a guy in one of my classes who recommended Aijin to me; might look into that if I run out of other shows. Now, Shinsekai Yori, man I've got fond memories of that one. That was probably what got me on my psychological/philosophical kick, tbh, and the sunset visuals + Dvorak 9 are a couple of things that I really have never seen in any other anime.
I thought Anohana was good... ...until the guy started cross dressing, and it being a drama show the characters had the traditional "we'll make it through together" talk, smh. I had to stop after the 8th episode. Kimiuso, tho, I really enjoyed the music. Also, a romance show where the characters don't end up together was a nice change. (I'm pretty sick of romance at the moment, so I gotta say I prefer shows like NGE, Texhnolyze and Utena where the characters' relationships go to hell in a handbasket... ^_^)
Oh yeah, forgot about sports anime... the only one I've seen is Ping Pong the Animation :D Although everybody keeps telling me to watch Haikyuu and Kuroko no Basuke I never get around to it because other shows keep catching my eye first (*.*)
Yeah, I am only a senior in high school and sadly my school doesn't offer a Japanese class for credit, but I enrolled in Japanese 1 college class at a local community college and I went twice a week for the longest but sadly I havent had time lately as of sports and work. I had a keyboard with kana or hirgana and katana that I used to write with and then I'd use a program to add kanji in with, it's rather intriquet, though I am fond of it.
ReLife hmm I can see where the description of it would lead you to believe it is sorta like erased, although, that is not the case. It is a much more joyous and comedic. Which is still has a weird twist to it and kinda different approach to the whole meaning of the show or the lesson the protag learns.
KnB or Kuroko no Basuke is an awesome anime, I absolutely loved it. I am normally not the type to watch such a basic anime like it, where it's purely about the sport and it's very straightforward and predictable, but I actually really enjoyed it.
Haikyuu is a good show, nothing unparallelable or anything but it's decent, an entertaining watch at best; although, the community seems to be primarily yaoi fans which definitely is something I'm not into lol.
Ajin: first watched when it came out at the end of 2015, actually if you are technical it is called "Winter 2016" but kinda makes no sense, considering the initial run is in 2015 lol. The anime doesn't really start off showing anything super new in terms of plot/story, actually quite similar to Tokyo Ghoul or Parasyte the maxim , but once the show gets started and progresses, it's actually not all bad. Once again I am not saying it's amazing or anything, I think I actually only gave it a 7 or 8 maybe, but it's very unique which is what I liked about it. Also the art reminds me of that of Kill La Kill at first I was unappealed to the art but as I watched the show it grew on me. Not the basic shounen animation, which is a great change for me.
My school only offers Spanish and French, so I've been self-studying for about 2 years now (using anime, of course XD). I've got like 5 apps (all freebies, of course) that I use; it's gotten to the point where everyone who knows me sees me messing with my phone and wonders if that's what I'm doing. But I've never had an actual, physical conversation in Japanese so this'll be a first...
Speaking of yaoi... all the girls at school have seen Free and Ouran for some reason, guess it's what's in fashion. Not one of them will confess to having enjoyed either one, tho. As for the guys, it's Tokyo Ghoul, apparently "everyone's seen Tokyo Ghoul" :P Tokyo Ghoul and Parasyte and Aijin and shows like that, tho, they've got me thinking that someday maybe, *just maybe*, we might escape from moe school dramas, etc. Hopefully the fad genre of the 20's turns out to be superheroes or humanoids or horror or something (?.?)
DID SOMEONE SAY KILL LA KILL!? That's a really stylish show, especially for a show about style. Sadly Trigger just had to fall in with the teenage drama fad later with Kiznaver -_-", but KlK was still a good wakeup call for me in terms of an actual feminist/pseudo-feminist show; not very many of those among anime.
you should definetly not lack speaking skills in Japanese, it's very important to talk in Japanese, bc no matter how well you know the language via pen and paper, it won't get you anywhere if you're wanting to meet people who speak japanese.
Next, Superheros... SUPER FREAKING HEROS, this is going to be a huge thing in the future, I am predicting it. Because there has been 2 superheros shows as of recently, One Punch man of course, and Boku no hero acedemia, and they both blew up and had amazing ratings. So I can see alot more of that type stuff in the future.
Yeah, the hardest thing for me really isn't putting the sentences together, it's the tones. Like the difference between 花 and 鼻; can't remember which one goes up and which one goes down. When I'm speaking I have to consciously think about pronouncing every syllable too, 'cause I'm so spoiled to English, where we have the convenience of slurring stuff and leaving syllables out without sounding like yakuza lol.
See, that's one of my two major predictions, superheroes. (btw, was just thinking the same thing you said about One Punch Man and Boku no Hero Academia) The second one would be something like "moe school drama era segues into/produces era of thoughtful romance/drama", for lack of a better name XDDD This probably won't be so much of a fad, more of a increase of serious/reflective drama shows, like Hyouka, Kimiuso, and the upcoming Orange and March Comes in Like a Lion imo. Or maybe I'm being too optimistic that "moe moe" and "friendship is magic" might actually morph into something more meaningful :P
Yeah I totally understand that, I actually have the luxury of living near a traditional ramen shop within my city ran by mostly natives of Japan, with the exception of a few Americans :P. So naturally I speak to them in Japanese as often as possible, but it gets hard considering they speak very fast and precisely so I always feel like I mess up. With me it's not even the pronunciation, because Japanese doesn't have too many foriegn sounds to a native English speaker, 100% easier than something like Arabic , Icelandic or even Russian, whereas those have extremely different sounds. For me the challenge is going into detail in sentences, obviously there are a basic few Kanji everyone who yearns to learn Japanese should know. Trying to learn the "2000 basic com Kanji" is quite a drag, especially for speaking to someone about irrelevent stuff that includes some of the kanji I don't yet know, which obviously if you can't say something in Japanese but you know how to say it in English you can rephrase it or ask for help, but this is quite challenging imo. Also something that's always bothered me is how no matter how hard someone from a different country tries, unless you grow up speaking Japanese, chances are you'll never become fluent. The JLPT n1 is definitely extremely hard for most people wanting to learn japanese, yet in Japan 13 and 14 year olds pass this test with ease. Just makes you think how hard Japanese really is :P
Oh, the native speaker :P I remember thinking, "Japanese isn't as hard as everyone says it is" for a while; then my first wakeup call was Tatami Galaxy (sorry, gonna bring up anime again), where the protagonist is talking to himself really fast, and I kind of thought, "ah, so this is the native speaker" (x.x) I don't have any trouble reading, wrtiting, or listening (that's the JLPT learning style for ya); always seems to be speaking smh: clearly, with the right tones and without a baka gaijin accent. But then I remember that true fluency, of any language really, is often impossible unless you're a native speaker, and I feel a little better lol (although I don't deny that Japanese has some unique challenges :D)
Well it's not totally out of reach, if someone's true goal is to live in Japan and work and learn japanese. Immersion would be an excellent way to do it; for example there is someone on youtube I've been subscribed to that has awesome stuff about Japan from the American/Foreign standpoint, including learning the language and other misc things. I am a firm believer that no matter what the task at hand is that if you set your mind to it, it can be accomplished, and if becoming fully fluent in Japanese is your goal, have at it.
I on the other hand, am just one of those Japan-nerds; I'd like to visit Japan for a long time, I already went last year and am going again in 2020 with my aunt, and be able to speak enough Japanese to hold my own, which I believe I can do. By no means am I going to dedicate days of my life (literally full days) to study and cram the Japanese language into my head. I am already fully fluent in English/German and I learned Spanish for 2 years in high school so I am not worried about only speaking one language haha.
Yeah, immersion would't be a realistic goal for me at the moment, so at this point Japanese is going to have to continue to a be a 'brain training' excercise more than anything :( Oh, and that channel looks cool, will check it out.
I can't say I have too much interest in Japan outside of the language (and anime ofc XD) but someday I might get to go over there, change my mind. Still, that Japan trip is gonna be fun (you heard me, enjoy it or else :D), getting to go to a foreign country and interact directly with people, using the local language and culture.
HS Spanish?? No, my PTSD is coming back!! Lol not really, but Spanish was pretty bad for me. I'm not sure if this is how Spanish classes everywhere work, but mine were mostly "memorize this phrase, say it when you hear this question", very little actual language learning going on -_- Good for you though, being fluent in more than one language *_* I have a feeling that sort of thing is going to be more important as the world starts to get a little more comfortable being "international".
Hey GPF, it was brought to my attention that we apparently have this page. It's honestly the first I see of that page, but it is terribly outdated. Considering how you frequently add interwiki links, you might be better placed to update it or something if you're up for it.
Seems maybe there's a limit to the appear template? I'm not sure...maybe I'll check with KMP to see if he can look into it. For now though, I hope you don't mind if the article is returned to the previous version.
As for the Wikipedia article...I'm not really tech/code-savvy, so I can't say I understand too much of that ^^"
The full list of episodes for ATLA appears a number of times; perhaps we could copy out the code for that onto a subpage, and then transclude that onto the article itself where appropriate. Writing out the full list would be an easy copy paste exercise, and if it is added as a subpage, it shouldn't make the article too lengthy in source mode.
Kind of, yeah. Reading through the wikipedia article GP linked above, it seems the count adds each time a parser function is implemented, so I believe that would be a count for every episode included in the appear template. Since the full list of all 61 ATLA episodes appears a number of times, it seems easier to just have a subpage with the episodes written out as normal, and then transclude that onto the article itself, thereby removing all the individual episode counts.
Well, according to the Chicago Manual of Style, there is a comma required after "Jr."--but only if there is one beforehand. I replaced the comma after because you saw the one before as fit to stay. Generally, more modern editors will not even set off "Jr." with commas in the first place! But as far as I know, you can't do half of one particular format.