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| || And this is Katara, my flying sister.
This article is considered humorous and should not be treated too seriously.
|The People Who Talk At The Theatre|
19th April, 2013
This is my submission for Omashu Rock's Comedy Writing Challenge. The characters I had to choose from were Mako or Zuko in either Republic City or Ember Island. How lucky, huh? Anyway, I decided on Zuko in Ember Island, and it may be noteworthy that Toph doesn't appear (although I couldn't leave her out entirely). I hope you enjoy it, and this is my first attempt at humour, so advice and/or feedback would be appreciated.
Creeping silently through the darkened streets of Ember Island, the Blue Spirit darted around the still area, blowing out the various candles used to light up the Main Street. Looking towards one corner, he waved another figure over. Unfortunately, this individual was not nearly as quiet, or discreet... or flexible or rugged—he didn't look nearly as good without a shirt on. He also had a ponytail, which girls didn't find appealing at all and- ahem, sorry. Sokka stumbled over to where the Avatar's one-time saviour-slash-enemy was passing the time by banging his head against the wall.
"Can't you be a little quieter!" he hissed through the mask.
"I'm sorry if I'm not as awesome as you!" Came the hushed reply. "Why the hell do you have that stupid mask on anyway? Better yet, where the hell did you get it?"
"Shh. It was a street vendor—some weird chick had a whole shop filled with Blue Spirit memorabilia. It was pretty cheap, too." Zuko said thoughtfully under his mask.
"Why are you wearing it now?!?!"
"It sets the mood, okay?"
"What mood?! Two teenagers sneaking around an island! Whoop-dee-do!"
Without bothering to respond, the Blue Spirit turned and ran silently towards the obnoxious building in the centre of the island. This time, there was no huge line waiting to enter—unsurprising, seeing as how it was the middle of the night and the two boys weren't so stupid as to try and break in whilst there was a crowd. When he got to the front door, Zuko took the mask off.
"I can't kick down the door, that would be too noisy," he said, looking pointedly at the Water Tribe boy.
"Lemme have a look," was the response as Sokka leaned in to inspect the brass handle.
"Yep, just as I suspected," he said, nodding. "It's locked."
Zuko suppressed the urge to smack his head, before asking through gritted teeth, "Can you get us in?"
"Oh, no problem-o, muchacho."
Taking out a lock-pick, Sokka went to work, occasionally muttering obscenities.
"Hurry up, will you?"
"Yeah, yeah, I'm trying. This is a Master level lock, and I- oh, yeah!"
"What?" Zuko asked, excitement building in his throat.
"I levelled up," Sokka said simply, and for the second time in as many minutes Zuko had to suppress the urge to hit himself.
Leaning against the door, it came as a surprise to both of them when it swung open noiselessly. Well, as noiselessly as possible when two teenage boys fell through at the same time, somehow managing to land on top of one another.
"Someone out there is enjoying this," Zuko muttered to himself as he pushed Sokka off him, his calloused hands coming into contact with the younger boys' muscular chest.
"Oh, totally locked, Sokka," he said as he brushed himself off. "Great job."
The tribesman just shrugged. "Come on, we have a job to do. Did you bring the document?"
Zuko gave a sharp nod and the two were on their way.
"I think it's down this hallway..."
"No, it's this one-"
"Is there anyway to pause this and turn the map back on?"
Finally, the two boys were standing outside a wooden door, adorned with the numbers one-oh-one.
"Not going in there."
They looked at each other and sighed.
"Look, it should be fine if we leave the door open. There's no-one else here. You didn't say anything, or think anything, or do anything to oppose The Party, did you?" Sokka asked.
"Well, I broke his grandmother's vase, but it was an ugly one," Zuko said thoughtfully.
The evidence that they were in fact alone, plus the memory of said ugly vase compelled Zuko to open the door. Walking in slowly, they felt it. The change was instantaneous.
"Sokka, this is-"
"I know. I can feel it. The Room. The room-temperature room. Oh, man, this is awesome! I wish Aang was here to see this!"
"I know... Irregardless of the mystic properties, we have to go before the pseudo-men catch us."
"You said irregardless. It isn't a word." Sokka beamed at Zuko, finally able to put his basic lessons to work.
"Whatever, Grammar Nazi. We have to go." Zuko made to move when Sokka stopped him.
"What's a Nazi?"
"I dunno! A word. Let's go," Zuko hissed, annoyed. Walking further into the remarkably small room, Zuko began rifling through a desk that they had just noticed.
"Who puts a desk in a room this small?" Sokka commented, earning a glare from Zuko.
"Desks are important!"
Pulling an apple from his lock-picking bag, Sokka began eating it nonchalantly.
"You finished yet?"
Glaring at the Water Tribe boy once again, Zuko shook his head.
"There's a padlock, and I don't know the code..."
Sokka sauntered over and took a look. It was a simple lock—only two digits were required to open it; however, they had only one shot. Thinking quickly, he typed in two numbers. With a strange hissing and clicks, the padlock dropped from the handle, and Sokka walked back over to his spot by the door.
"What did you do? How did you know the code?" Zuko asked incredulously.
"It was forty-two. Didn't you know that's always the answer?" Sokka raised an eyebrow as Zuko huffed and began rifling through the desk. He pulled out a crumpled document from his tight sweater and quickly placed them in the drawer, replacing an almost identical set. Before long, he joined Sokka at the door, strapping his mask to his face.
"This might finally put them out of business. Here; I'll burn it when we get back home."
Taking the proffered pieces of paper, Sokka stuffed them into his bag mercilessly, and walked out of the room. He sighed; he would miss this room. Making their way through the long hallways of the quiet building, it wasn't long before the two boys were on their way home. Daydreaming of fire and sea prunes, the pair didn't realise they were being followed until a voice behind them shouted out.
"Halt! We have you surrounded! Put the bag down, and surrender any fruits or vegetables."
Slowly lowering his bag, Sokka chucked his half eaten apple at the nearest guard. There had to have been at least thirty, some with spears while others were obviously firebenders.
"What have we done wrong, officer?" Zuko asked from behind his mask.
"You are under arrest for being the Blue Spirit!" A particularly fat guard cried.
"Under whose orders?" Sokka asked, confused. "And, am I under arrest?"
"Your girlfriend can go, Spirit, as long as you come with us quietly."
"Hey, I'm a boy!
"The guard just looked at Sokka, before giggling. The two boys just looked at each other, confusion written in the lines of their small frowns.
"Who ordered my arrest?" Zuko called from behind his mask.
"The Great Lord of Melon! Now, are you going to come quietly, or do we need to take your girlfriend to teach you a lesson?"
Sokka just looked at Zuko. "He called me a girl!"
Growling at his friend's simpleminded attitude, Zuko enclosed the two boys in a ring of fire.
A cry came from outside the fire, "Aw, man. He can firebend too?"
"Oh great. I'm gonna die. Absolutely fantastic..." The tribesman said drily.
Ignoring him, Zuko extended his arms, slowly making the ring larger. Being fat and old, the guards knew they could never defeat a powerful firebender and the girl he loved. Flocking together like little lost cave-hoppers about to be devoured by a giant Momo, the officers conspiratorially whispered a plan.
"I want Taco Bell..."
"Let's just get some donuts..."
Turning tail, the not-so-loyal servants of Melon Lord quickly regrouped at the nearest Dunkin' Donuts, leaving Sokka and Zuko alone.
"Lets just go home. I've had too much excitement for one night..."
Running quickly, the duo arrived home safe and sound. Hitting their sheets with a soft "oof", they fell asleep quickly dreaming of a giant Cabbage Merchant who went around stomping on Aang, and girls falling asleep when hearing strange Russian sentences.
It was a good week later before the boys heard of the results of their plan. Grabbing a copy of the Ember Island Ashes, they read the top headline.
Ember Island Players an International Success with Anonymous Play, The Blade of Wing-Fung.
Sokka looked at Zuko, gaping. The Fire Prince found his voice first.
"I did nazi that coming..."
Notes: I should probably let you know what inspired this? Obviously, OR for setting up the challenge in the first place, but the different puns and whatnot are influenced by my own likes and dislikes.
Jokes (that I need to address) are as follows:
- Skyrim: I don't own the idea for lock picking skills and levelling up.
- 1984: George Orwell's classic, this is where the joke of Room 101 came from.
- Call of Duty: Turning the map off.
- Grammar Nazi: I do hope no-one was offended at that pun
- Community: The Room Temperature Room
- Death Note: Inspired Sokka's apple eating
- Hitchhikers Guide To The Galaxy: 42 is The Answer
- Firefly: The name of this story and the title of the content is a line out of the TV show Firefly, where Shepard Book says there's a special hell for lecherous men—and people who talk at the theatre
For the collective works of the author, go here.