|More from Faith124||Adventure||G||Positive|
Chapter 4, Part One
Chapter 4- Seven Letters
Have you ever thought about how you'd like to die? ..No? Well, that certainly isn't comforting.
At first, it hadn't crossed my mind. Though, I was enveloped in numbness. Nothing felt real. The air I took in was thick and heavy. I had lost all sense of direction, and at that point I was unsure. Unsure about the future, unsure about reality, unsure about myself. No longer could I tell if I was dreaming, or...not. It was as if I had been swept up in a long, never ending nightmare. I was spiraling towards disaster.
I finally realized what was happening, what I had become. I was only able to momentarily break free from the fog that bound me, as every night I knew it returned. At least then I knew when I was sleeping. The whole scene would play out from the undersides of my eyelids. First the flash of light, then the crumpled body in my arms. Every time it ended with the same fate. A fate decided by myself. Each night his perfect face would haunt me. Each night I could feel myself scream out, terrified of what I had done and what I had failed to do.
Rough hands; a worried face. This face I knew. This was not a face to scream at. It was Sokka's face. By now he would wake me, and I would feel even worse about waking him. During the day, no words were spoken. I was grateful for the silence. It allowed me to paint the haze over myself and forget the world. But my world refused to be forgotten. A never ending silence to match my never ending nightmare. But solitude was comforting.
There are no words to describe my sadness, my grief or constant want for it all to be over. When does this pain end?
What does one do when they find themselves wanting to die? They think about how they'd like to.
Nine days after his death I realized what it was I was thinking about. I realized, but didn't admit it to myself. It wasn't who I was, not what I would ever see myself... No. Not me. Not the always optimistic Katara everyone loved. But then, who was I now? Me, the real me, was already gone. Gone with him, into the depths of an unknown oblivion. Except we were still apart, and I was tired of the separation. How much longer can I take?
When will this seven letter word take me back to him?
This is when I began thinking. What is the easiest way to die? I could just jump off Appa, but that would be painful and ineffective. Pain. Would I want my life to end in overwhelming amounts of it, or very little at all? Both sides had their pros and cons. It would be a difficult decision. How about drowning? I asked myself. It would be rather ironic for a water bender to drown, even a little cliche. I was too afraid to stain a beautiful art form with the anxiety of my..my...
I still couldn't accept it. Would I be doubtful to my last breath?
I had time to think harder about my options. This is where the silence was a gift. It gave me ample time to mediate myself over the choices echoing throughout my mind. Through all the insecurities, one thing was clear. I loved him, incredibly much. My world fell apart when his did. And now I'm prepared to take the extra step and close the gap between us, once and for all.
It was already dark. Appa was descending, and none of us made any communication at all. This was normal. We landed where Sokka put us. I barely noticed Toph's absence from the saddle, and assumed Sokka was also sleeping on the ground. We also slept without blankets; they were strapped to the back of the saddle too near his lifeless body. I curled where I was, and reluctantly closed my eyes. I knew I was doomed for nightmares, but what other choice did I have? Not sleeping would mean meeting the monotony of an endless night. So I took the torture.
Sleep found me; at first washing me with a soothing wave of unconsciousness. Like all good things, it didn't last. I braced myself for impact, but none came. Where was the flash? His body? That face? It wasn't that I missed it, but it was worrying that it wasn't around. Instead I had been met with a cool mist. The air was as wet as the ground. Upon looking down, I appeared to be standing on water. It did not give under my weight. I tried to take a step forward, but my feet would not move. I broke the surface and was pulled to the depths of this ocean. The air rushed from my lungs. I couldn't breathe. My body had become dead weight and as I sunk deeper the light over head became fainter. There was my hand, reaching for survival. Or was it reaching for something more?
There was no light. I had been encased in complete blackness, though a soft glow gave off my skin. And then, he was before me. He sat, meditating, and no matter how many times I called to him he remained in unwavering concentration. I could feel the tears rolling down my cheeks. My voice disappeared, though I continued to scream. As he faded from my view I was impaled from behind. I let out a short breath upon impact, and allowed myself to fall. It was over.
I lay in shock, staring at the dark sky. I had no idea how far away morning was, but I would not retreat to the slumber I had been so harshly rejected from. Now the silence nagged at me. I no longer wanted to think about him. I hated the thoughts going through my mind. I want them to leave. How much longer can I survive this? I have no escape, no way out. I'm trapped in the frame of my own portrait. I feel like I need my skin to split apart and let my spirit go. This feeling of confinement was horrible.
When the first rays of morning sun began to peak over the horizon, relief washed over me. We would leave as soon as everyone was back on Appa. Another day full of silence; grief. The relief was gone. Could I take another day? No, I could not take another day. Then I understood. It was time for me to join him.
High in the air, I looked at their faces for what might be my last time. Sokka's face not unlike our father's, with his wolf tail flopping in the breeze. Toph's round, childish face she would never see. It was hard to look away from them. For a moment I doubted my choice. This doubt was enough to keep me living for another day.
I'm sorry, Aang, I thought, I'm not going to be joining you this morning.
To Be Continued in: Part Two
For the collective works of the author, go here.
|Death of the Avatar - In the Presence of My Father - To Walk Among the Dead - Seven Letters: (Part 1 ~ Part 2) - Insecurities|