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By Buttongoo | Genre | Rating | Reviews | Updates |
| More from Buttongoo | None | PG-13 (violence, suggestive themes) | Positive, but someone has seen better. | Completed |
| And this is Katara, my flying sister.
This article is considered humorous and should not be treated too seriously.
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Illegal Acts is the first chapter of the Super Cool Ultimate Avatar Hot Tub series. The story takes place eight years prior to Aang's return.
Prologue
From Iroh's mid thirties to his late fifties, he and Master Pakku were the best of companions; the fact that the nations were at war with each other had no bearing on their friendship. Iroh and Pakku were a mischievous pair of old men and they would often steal from the rich and give to the poor, attend drinking contests, and woo girls. They met in an Order of the White Lotus annual reunion where they first pulled a pie-in-the-face prank on Piandao. Keeping in touch over the years, Iroh would often call a meeting together, just for an excuse for Pakku to massage his age-old wrinkly back.
Story
After attending another one of General Iroh's meetings, Master Pakku of the Northern Water Tribe was sent back to Iroh after traveling half-way across the nations; by the time he came back to meet, Iroh had forgotten what he wanted Pakku for. Being very frustrated with Iroh, Pakku ventured back home. Once again, after he traveled half way back to the Northern Water Tribe, he was called by Iroh to return. Free willingly, he turned back and came to the old Fire Nation general. This time, Iroh was bathing in a quite odd position within a hot spring; he intended for Pakku to wash his back with soap, this angered Pakku greatly. Once Pakku looked down and examined Iroh's bathing position; he laughed heavily, tears rushed across his face, down his neck and torso and into his pants. The old master had to Waterbend to stop his tears of joy.
Iroh bathes in odd position
- Pakku (laughing): Iroh, ol' buddy, no wonder you need back massages - you bathe in the most odd of positions imaginable. Ha-ha, oh what joy,
- Iroh (slightly sad): Are you making fun of me?
- Pakku: Iroh, we need to find a better hot spring than this.
- Iroh (enthusiastic): Okay
The two companions set off and left the hot spring within the Earth Kingdom forest southwards into Chin Village, where they witnessed the burning of the Avatars during an Avatar Day festival. While the villagers were watching the festival, Pakku and Iroh sabotaged the food stands of the village, stealing every last bit of food except unbaked dough which didn't please their taste buds. As the statue of Roku burned to the ground, Iroh and Pakku stole a boat, so they could travel the great sea to an island in the horizon. They had no oars, so they paddled with long bread sticks that they stole. After four hours, the two scalawags approached land. Iroh than ate the bread stick, even though it was soaking wet and covered in barnacles and sand, while Pakku chose not to eat his bread. After a long stretch and a short nap, they headed through the forest of the island. Iroh spotted a village ahead, with a large statue of Avatar Kyoshi, this was indeed Kyoshi Island. Iroh didn't want his nationality to be revealed, nor did Pakku, so they stripped their shirts and covered their skin with mud and leaves. This was indeed a poor camouflage effect. They sneaked through the town, which was also having a festival in Kyoshi's honor called Kyoshi Day. They snuck into a food pantry, a man spotted them, Pakku froze him with Waterbending before he signaled others.
- Iroh: Now what are we suppose to do with him? Just leave him here?
- Pakku: No, let's drag his frozen body to the ocean outside!
And they did what Pakku had instructed; unfortunately for the frozen man, he was then eaten by Unagi. The two felt guilt for what had happened, but their guilt overcame as they turned their heads and saw steam. They followed the steam and it led right to a Jacuzzi that was formed by Earthbending, no one was in it, and no one was around. Iroh took off his sandals and threw them in a manure pit (this is why they stink so much); he stuck his toe in the water, and suddenly his toe glowed white and all of his pain disappeared. He then hopped his whole body in and it was refreshed; Pakku then stepped in, he too was refreshed. Iroh yanked the pull-string chain and the Firebender dwarf slave heated up the water. The men laid their old heads back and closed their eyes, as light faded they dreamt about dancing amongst the clouds with fluffy unicorns standing on two. A small mouse like creature approached Iroh, he then ate it.
Iroh about to snack
In the Kyoshi Day festival parade, there were a group of seven-year-old girl scouts called "The Kyoshi Warriors", they were trained in martial arts along with selling Leechi nuts and cookies; after they were done marching they headed towards the Jacuzzi to relax. To there surprise they found two old muddy men sleeping in it. Amongst the girl scouts was Suki, she was the first to speak to them.
- Suki: Hey, what are you doing?
- Pakku (sleepy, half-awake): What?
- Suki: You are not welcome in the Super Cool Ultimate Avatar Hot Tub!
- Iroh (waking up): The what?
- Suki: The Super Cool Ultimate Avatar Hot Tub!
- Iroh: What kind of ridiculous name is that?
- Suki: It is not ridiculous! It was founded by the Avatar centuries ago, and this is a Hot Tub that is Ultimate! Plus, only Super Cool people are allowed entry, and we are Super Cool, you two are just old un-cool people, you two are just lame! Now, get out!
- Pakku: Or what?
- Suki (drawing sword): We will poke out your eye balls and then feed your body to the Unagi!
- Pakku: Go ahead!
- Iroh (surprised): What?
Suki grasped onto her sword tightly and leaped towards the two old men; Pakku quickly water bended the water within the Super Cool Ultimate Avatar Hot Tub to freeze every last Kyoshi Warrior surrounding them.
- Iroh: Your answer to everything is freezing, isn't it?
- Pakku: Yeah.... is that a problem, your answer to everything is drink tea, so...
- Iroh: Good point
Suddenly Oyaji and several elders approached Pakku and Iroh angrily.
- Oyaji: Arrest them!
Pakku already used most of the water on the girl scouts, and he could not use one puddle of water to freeze Oyaji, so Iroh began to Firebend at them.
- Iroh: Collect what's left of the water! I'll hold them off as long as I can!
Pakku always carried around a vile necklace that held his mother's cremation, he spilled the cremation onto the ground, and then collected the remaining water of the Hot Tub. Iroh then stopped Firebending and ran away as fast as he could, Pakku then followed.
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