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| || And this is Katara, my flying sister.
This article is considered humorous and should not be treated too seriously.
|our chemicals, they react|
August 25, 2014
our chemicals, they react
"you know, a wise man once said, tis the privilege of friendship to talk about nonsense, and to have her nonsense respected.'"
things about chemicals you should know, no. 1 :: you see, sodium hydroxide is a chemical
By the fifth time Korra had accidentally spilled sodium hydroxide from their beaker, the final time being on herself, Asami came to the dismaying conclusion that her chemistry partner, while absolutely wonderful at whacking around hockey pucks on the ice rink, was a flat-out magnet for disaster when she was put in the lab.
"...Oh," Korra frowned, examining her thoroughly coated appendage with a slightly panicked glint in her eyes, "hey. Asami?"
Asami turned her eyes up to the lights above and prayed that she wouldn't have to call over a royally irritated Professor Beifong to clean up yet another broken glass test tube.
"Korra, this is why you're supposed to wear gloves..."
"Crap," and the blue-eyed girl turned wildly onto Asami, clearly not having heard a word of her lab partner's perfectly reasonable observation, "crap, I just remembered — didn't Beifong say that sodium hydroxide turns your skin into soap or something? Oh my spirits, Asami —"
"...Korra, it's okay, the sodium hydroxide's been diluted —"
Asami could only burble helplessly onward in a dreadfully useless attempt to stall the impending explosion.
"— OOOH MY GOD IS MY FRICKIN' HAND TURNING INTO SOAP?!"
Korra's voice rang out through the metaphorical sound of a metaphorical twenty-three jaws metaphorically slapping onto the floor.
Professor Beifong marched over and threw Korra out into the hall after sticking her hand underneath a jet of running water to let her suffer through a five-minute existential crisis in peace.
things about chemicals you should know, no. 2 :: this has nothing to do with chemicals, like at all-
"I hate reindeer," Korra viciously announced one day before slamming an encyclopedia on reindeer into its designated position on the shelf with unnecessary violence.
"Really, now? What did they ever do to you?" asked Asami wearily, because she'd long since learned that once Korra went off on one of her tangents, it was best to just roll with it.
"Well, it's more of a matter that they exist." Korra glared at the encyclopedic volume before snatching another book up. "And I hate earthworms."
She and Asami were working on re-shelving books at the local public library, and while Korra had never been patient, the mundane tedium of the job was quite obviously fraying her nerves. Asami didn't know what the girl had even been thinking when she decided she'd tag along with Asami for this particular community service opportunity; something about acquiring more hours, but Asami knew for a fact that the blue-eyed girl had already secured a lucrative scholarship to the prestigious Republic City University on account of her excellent ice hockey skills.
"I mean," Korra ejaculated, flailing the unfortunate book in her hand around wildly, "who cares about 'The Mating Rituals of Earthworms'?"
"Well, that's a bit rude, don't you think?" a silky voice murmured from behind them. "You can't blame earthworms for having interesting mating rituals."
Asami nearly collapsed on the spot from surprise. Korra only let out an unlady-like snort and flippantly said back without even bothering to glance at who was talking, "What's so interesting about earthworm mating rituals?"
Tahno gave her a well-practiced smirk, sly blue eyes glittering with mirth and amusement. "Earthworms are hermaphrodites. Therefore, they fight each other with their penises to decide who will be the female."
Metaphorical crickets chirped metaphorical chirps in the background following his proclamation. As disgusting as it sounded, Asami choked on her own spit and didn't know which part she was more scandalized about: the fact that Tahno had a horribly inaccurate view on the mating rituals of earthworms, that he sexualized earthworms in general, or the fact that he made such a remark in the first place.
Korra only gave him a scathing look and jammed The Mating Rituals of Earthworms into its place on the shelf, "Do you need something?"
"Well, yes, actually. I'm looking for a book on 'A Complete and Unabridged History of the Periodic Table'?" He waggled his eyebrows, which was a truly horrific sight that Asami immediately decided she never wanted to ever see again.
"Yeah, okay. Whatever, I'll get it for you."
Korra took twenty minutes to find his book and for Asami, that was twenty minutes too many.
("I will fondle your vesicles when you caress my Golgi body.")
Asami hated biology.
She swatted Korra across the shoulder as soon as Tahno left.
"Hey, what'd I do now? Did I say something?"
"Oh. Oh, wait!"
Korra snatched up the copy of the periodic table book Tahno had apparently been searching for.
"That dumbass forgot his book!"
Asami palmed her forehead.
things you should know about chemicals, no. 3 :: when sodium melts, it's just going through a phase
Korra was adamant.
"Nope. Nope, nope, nope. I am not doing this."
"You're just quickly swiping your hand through the top. See?" Asami demonstrated, wafting the tips of her fingers through the very top of the blue Bunsen burner flame.
"But I'm going to get irreversibly burned!" Korra nearly whined, fondling her hands. "I just got the soap off my hands ten minutes ago..."
"Korra, it's not going to kill you." Asami demonstrated yet again and came away with a perfectly intact pointer finger.
"There's a reason why," Korra announced solemnly.
"You," Korra said reasonably, "are flame-resistant."
Yes, this situation was definitely hopeless, Asami despaired before shoving a pair of tongs into Korra's hand. "Then at least hold the test tube with the sodium over the burner. I'll time how long it takes to melt."
"You know," Korra mused, eying the test tube Asami was fitting onto the tongs, "a small piece of sodium that lived in a test tube once fell in love with a Bunsen burner."
Asami stopped what she was doing to try and soak in the absolute absurdity of the statement Korra had just uttered. "Wait...what?"
"It's true, just hear me out! So then the sodium pined, 'Oh Bunsen, my flame, I melt whenever I see you!' So the Bunsen burner said, 'It's just a phase you're going through.'"
The sound of shattering glass rang throughout the classroom when both test tube and tongs made a wild leap for freedom from Asami's slack fingers and down into the sink.
"But I like chemistry," was all she could manage to say.
Korra looked confused. "...Okay?"
Mako stuck his head over from the next station, "Translation: 'That was, hands down, the worst chemistry joke I have ever heard.'"
Korra made a face blew a raspberry at him.
things you should know about chemicals, no. 4 :: they make for great puns
After the whole fiasco with the Bunsen burner and melted sodium joke, Korra resolved to "do really awesomely better in chemistry, promise."
"You just wait, Asami. I'll be the best chemistry lab partner you've ever had!"
...Technically, you're the only chemistry lab partner I'll ever have, Asami wanted to say.
Two days later in the local library, she found out exactly what Korra meant when she said she'd try and improve her knowledge of chemistry.
"Hey, Asami." Korra's whisper-shout drifted over from her shoulder before the girl plunked herself down onto the chair next to her lab partner's, elbows set firmly on the tables as she smirked at Asami manically. "Guess how oxygen and potassium's date went?"
Asami blinked, her pencil poised over her arithmetic homework and about to scratch the number "2" onto the piece of paper.
Oh, dear. This is not going to end well.
"...How did it go?"
"It went okay. OK. Get it?" Korra looked like a four-year-old girl who had finally received a long-sought-after Disney princess dollhouse for her birthday. "You get it?!"
Asami didn't have the heart to tell Korra that the correct formula for a potassium-oxygen compound was OK2.
"Yes, Korra," she said, "I get it."
"And also, I asked you for some sodium hypobromite. You didn't have any, so you said 'NaBrO.'"
...Oh. My. Spirits.
The look on Korra's face was so hopeful that Asami somehow managed to splutter out a strangled kind of laugh that was more of a horrible choking noise than an expression of humor. "Th-that's...nice...? Nice. Yes. Very."
"And also, helium walked into a bar. The bartender looked at it and said, 'We don't serve noble gases here.' Helium doesn't react."
The sound of Asami's palm meeting her face echoed throughout the entire library.
things you should know about chemicals, no. 5 :: this is not about chemicals either
"I'd tell you another chemistry joke..."
"...but all the good ones argon."
Korra blanched at the look on Asami's face and ran for her dear life.
Sodium hydroxide (NaOH) - chemical compound composed of sodium, oxygen, and hydrogen. As far as I know, yes, it can turn you into a puddle of coffee-colored liquid. It's been used by criminals to dispose of corpses, and indeed, I have actually spilled some diluted NaOH (and if that wasn't enough, HCl) onto my hand once. Not fun. Hey, listen to Asami and be safe with chemicals. :P
Bunsen burner - This thing fueled by methane they use in chem labs that produces a flame.
Hermaphrodite - Organism with both male and female sex organs. And I'm 99.99% positive they don't "fight with their penises to see who gets to be the female."
Sodium hypobromite (NaBrO) - is actually not a real thing. Hypobromite is, though.
Noble gases - Basically a bunch of gases that don't react (combine) with anything b/c their outer electron ring is filled. That's why helium didn't react...get it? Get it? o.o
Oh hi there, look who's come back from the dead to write something that makes utterly no sense ^^"
So yeah. That Book 3 finale was a big bucket of nope. Nopenopenope. So to celebrate, I wrote something utterly nonsensical. At four in the morning. Combine that with the fact that I'm still pathetically weeping over the ending to "Venom of the Red Lotus" and that should tell you something about the quality level of this fic.
For the collective works of the author, go here.