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|More from Webdog177||Comedy||G||Here||None|
|On -Flying Bison-|
August 26th, 2013
On *Flying Bison*
Let me start off my saying that the following pages are the exhaustive diary entries of the majestic flying bison; which is an incredible feat, if one may know. Not incredible in the fact that we flying bison (that henceforth shall be referred to as simply "bison"... because there are no other kinds of "bison" in the world – thank the spirits... that alone makes things much easier) are exceptionally interesting creatures, mind you... we are... but because the fact that a bison has no thumbs or fingers capable of holding a writing instrument. We have large, stubby toes coming from the end of our paws, but they certainly are too stubby to hold even the largest writing instrument we have seen.
How can a bison then, with no thumbs or fingers capable of holding a writing instrument, be filling these pages with words? The answer is quite simple. Unfortunately, the act of explaining the answer is far too difficult and therefore, will not be attempted.
Now that we got that out of the way.
These are the diary entries of the majestic bison (previously referred to as "Flying Bison"). My name is Oono. Hello there. It is quite nice to meet you all. I will take time in these first few pages to introduce my amazing species before getting to the "nitty gritty" of life, love, and... well... anything that strikes me, really.
First and foremost: please, please, know that we bison are intelligent creatures. We are large, yes. We are cute, absolutely. We like to eat and sleep, of course; who doesn't? And we do communicate by groaning, grunting, and roaring, that is true. But just because we growl at each other doesn't mean we aren't intelligent. One of the most fulfilling conversations I have ever had in my life comprised of two grunts, three groans, and a roar. It lasted only thirty-two seconds and we went back to our meal of grass afterward.
Anyway, we are intelligent. We aren't quite up to mathematics level, but then again, who truly is?
Let us start our education of bison by learning about our physical characteristics. When one sees a bison grazing in a field, the first thing that pops into one's head would be that we are large creatures. Yes. We are large. If a comparison would be used, one would compare us to a Hew-man dwelling.
What is a Hew-man, you ask? I will explain Hew-mans in another entry, don't you worry.
Our size varies, however. Our young are generally small, a trait many creatures of the world also share. As we get older, we grow and grow until we reach our individual maximum size. Generally, we only grow to a handful of meters. And those are the average ones. The largest bison to ever walk this land grew to over thirty-eight meters long. He ate whole trees, too. The story goes that one time, when he and his girlfriend broke up, he went and ate a whole forest.
He was not seen for weeks afterward. Don't ask.
We also have six legs supporting our large size. That's right, six legs. Whereas most animals have four legs, or two legs (how can creatures walk on two legs, we have never been able to figure out), we have six. You might be wondering by what right do the spirits have to bless us with three pairs of legs? Well, I must say that I have no idea. We have never arrived at a situation where a third set of legs is required, or was even all that beneficial. The closest that any bison had even come to actually needing the extra legs was one time he was tired, and stood on four legs while resting the last pair. Hardly useful. I myself have often thought what it would be like it I were to ask my friend to gnaw off my extra pair of legs, just to see what it would be like.
I have yet to ask him. Maybe on my birthday next year I will just to give him a shock.
Traveling up, you see that we have a tail. Hmm, a tail. Tails are useful, aren't they? Hog Monkeys, while vile and disgusting creatures in comparison, have tails and find them quite useful don't they? Well, our tails are quite useless. They are flat, too large to move around easily, and cannot grab things. I once saw a hog monkey use its tail to steal a bit of food from a two-legged Hew-man and eat it. I desperately wanted to try, but ended up destroying the poor Hew-man's dwelling. I tried to apologize, but the Hew-man mistook my groan for a roar and fled in terror.
Moving on, we have horns. Ahh yes, our horns. We do love our horns. Each bison has a set of horns coming from the side of their head. The horns are usually brown, or grey, depending on the age or species of bison. Except for that one time a bison was born with pink horns. His mother was very pleased. He and his father were not. Many creatures of the world, the Hew-mans included, believe our horns tell the different between the male and female bison. In truth, they do not. But, we let them think that anyway. Life is more fun when you have your own private joke, isn't it?
And speaking of private jokes, let me touch on our fur. Our fur is generally uninteresting. It keeps us warm in cold weather, and makes us look cute and cuddly. However, we do have one characteristic that makes us unique. We bison have a (usually brown) stripe that travels from our tail, over the top of backs, and down to our head. The stripe ends in a neat little "arrow" (as the Hew-mans call it) and is the "real" way to tell our genders apart.
There are other ways, of course, to tell a male from a female... which I will not elaborate on... but the stripe is the best way to tell from a distance. It is very subtle, but very clear if one has good eyes.
Imagine our surprise, then, when Hew-mans began to copy our physicality by inscribing the very same stripes and arrows onto their bodies. Just when we had their genders figured out in our minds, they had to go ahead and confuse us by changing some boys to girls, and some girls to boys.
I will get more into that later.
One final note about us bison is perhaps, as most creatures of the world consider our most interesting feature.
We bison can fly.
You might be thinking... wait... fly? As in fly, fly? Like a sparrow parrot does on occasion? Yes, the very same thing. We don't really know for certain how that particular talent came about. Birds can fly, we understand how. They are light, their bones are hollow; they can fly. Insects can fly; they have wings that move very fast to keep them up. But the bison? We have no wings, and we weigh more than all the birds in the world put together.
Trust me. One time we and the birds had a wager that one of us weighed more than all the birds in the world. You should have seen the faces of the Hew-mans that saw all the birds coming to participate. We had never seen them that afraid before. Maybe the birds are scarier than we give them credit for.
We won that wager, by the way. It had been that same thirty-eight meter bison that ate a forest that won it for us. What did we win? Another forest for him to eat.
We can fly. We don't know how we began to fly. We all have our own thoughts on the matter. I have a friend that swears that it was all started by a bison that had quite enough of living one day, tried to jump off a cliff in order to end it all, but ended up failing miserably. Everyone had seen him fly in the air and thought that perhaps they would also give it a try. Improbably, but believable.
That same bison, my friend said, had actually died from the shock of finding himself floating in the sky; effectively succeeding in his original plan to end his own life.
Good for him.
I want to believe that the spirits have some reason for giving us the ability to fly, I really do. But, I just can't see it. Wales swim, but breathe air.
Badgermoles move through the ground, but their food is on top of the ground. We can fly, but we cannot eat or sleep in the sky. I simply think that some creatures of the world; wales, badgermoles, bison, the mule, are the spirits simple attempt at a joke. A very, very, sad joke.
A joke that is likely very funny to them... but not to us.
A few quick notes before I leave.
I wanted to touch on our daily habits. We bison are simple creatures by nature. We live day to day doing what we want, living in relative comfort. We wake up in the morning, we eat grass and small plants (except for the tree-eating giant), we nap for a while, we wake up again, we eat again, we lay around in the sun, we have chats with each other, we eat a little more, then we go back to sleep. In the morning, we start the whole process again.
Simple, yes? We are quite content with staying that way, thank you.
What we don't appreciate is when creatures start imposing themselves on our daily habits. Such creatures as the two-legged Hew-mans and the occasional rabbit squirrel seem to ignore our distaste for being imposed upon, however. That alone leads us to believe that those particular species are not quite as intelligent as we initially believed.
As my parents once told me; Oono, they (Hew-mans) seem like they might be intelligent. They create their own dwellings using trees. They have developed agriculture and philosophy. They have seemingly created their own logical writing system (although it varies from area to area). However, think about this: what kind of creature of self-proclaimed intelligence would willingly take something like a... say... rabbit squirrel or a flying lemur... both of which are some of the world's most vile and annoying creatures... and create pets out of them?
Not a one; that is a fact.
I will get more into those different creatures later.
It is suffice to say now that in recent generations, our way of life has dramatically changed from our golden days of lazing in the warm sun, eating soft grasses and chatting with friends and associates. The two-legged Hew-mans have made that perfectly clear to us.
Well, this is where I leave you for now. A quick recap: We are intelligent, we enjoy the simpler things in life, we have six legs, a generally-useless tail, we can fly (although we don't find it useful), the largest of us was a thirty-eight meter forest-eater with no girlfriend, and we dislike flying lemurs and rabbit squirrels.
Ah yes. A final thought...
If you ever happen to see a bison either grazing in a field, flying through the sky, or just doing whatever it is we happen to be doing... please... please... do not say "Yip! Yip!"
We hate that.
For the collective works of the author, go here.