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|By Jeff The Hippie||Genre||Rating||Reviews||Updates|
|More from Jeff The Hippie||Comedy, Action/Adventure||PG-13||None|
|"Torture is inhumane and wrong. In fact, more information can be drawn with simple interrogation than all that torture ever could."|
|— Iroh scolding his nephew|
|It's Getting Kinda Hot, Don't Ya Think?|
Jeff The Hippie
"Come on, Appa," said Aang as he pushed on the furry mammal's leg. "We've gotta go!" The beast didn't budge.
"Talking to one of your pets again?" asked Sokka.
"At least when I talk there's someone on the other end who's listening." he came back.
"Please, take us with you," Katara begged. "We can protect you!"
"Yeah, maybe you can," he said with a blank expression and his head down as if he were more talking to himself than her, "but what if I can't successfully do the same in return for you?"
"Aang, we're your friends," she protested. "We'll be with you through thick and thin."
"I couldn't put you guys in that kind of danger..." he paused and pondered his previous proclamation. (Suck it, Dr. Seuss!) "Well, maybe Sokka... No, not even Sokka."
"Thanks," Sokka replied dryly.
"Don't mention it," Aang said as he hopped onto his Flying Bison. His friends still refused to let him leave and ran out in front of Appa. "You guys are willing to jump in front of Appa just to come with me?"
"Mainly because we know you wouldn't crush us," said Sokka, making Katara elbow him in the stomach.
Aang stared at the ground from Appa for a long time after that, clearly not just considering whether or not he should let them come with him.
"Fine; you can come with me... Damn hippies."
Appa took off and they left the sleepy little town.
A few hours later, I guess...
The young man who had begged Aang to help him in the last chapter and also gave him some supplies emerged from his house to see a menacing kid. His face was burned. The young man knew who he was looking at; Zuko.
Before the young man was able to react he was pushed into his house.
"Where's the Avatar?!" he shouted.
"I don't know! I swear!" the young man shouted from the floor.
"Liar!" Zuko spouted. He kicked the man in the face and stomped his head twice. "I asked you a question; I'd like an answer!" he said, holding the young man by his hair.
"I swear, Prince Zuko, I know not wh-"
Zuko started to repeatedly bash the man's face on the floor, maniacally shouting "Where's the Avatar?!" the entire time.
"Please Zuko!" he shouted, beaten and bloody. "No more... No more."
"Where is he?"
Zuko kicked him is the face and picked him up by his shirt. "This is your last chance," said Zuko. "Admit to us where he is now and you'll be okay."
"I cannot admit what I don't know."
Zuko turned around and nodded. Then in came three Firebenders with branding tools for cattle. They ripped off his shirt and repeatedly burned him. He still admitted nothing.
Zuko looked at them again. Remorsefully they wheeled in a table. It had cuffs on it for his feet and hands. Also on it was a thin cloth and a pitcher of water.
"No!" the man begged.
"Get him on the table." ordered Zuko.
They water boarded him eighty-two times and he still didn't spill anything on the Avatar. He couldn't breath. He was crying. Zuko didn't care. He would have kept going, too, if Iroh hadn't barged in.
"Zuko!" he shouted angrily. "What do you think you're doing?!"
"We're getting the information that we need out of him.
"Oh, are you? How many times have you water boarded him so far?"
"About eighty-five, uncle."
He nodded. "And what have you gotten out of him?"
"Well, we were abou-"
"Bah! Save that about stuff for later." Iroh walked over and freed the man from his cuffs. "Torture is inhumane and wrong. In fact, more information can be drawn with simple interrogation than all that torture ever could."
"I'm... I'm sorry, uncle," he said with his head down in shame.
"You better be! Now, let me interrogate this man, and watch so that you can learn."
Later, with the gang on Appa's back...
"Bill, said Aang, "You are the dumbest thing I have ever held a conversation with. I have never heard you say anything even remotely close to being intelligent. This, however, takes the cake."
"What did he say?" Katara inquired.
Aang sighed deeply and began. "He said that since I support peace I'm like John Lennon. Lennon's name is like Lenin. Lenin had a mustache like Hitler. Therefore, that means that I'm a hippie Communist Nazi."
"But... How could that possibly make sense to anyone?" Katara asked as he stared at Bill strangely. "It's just mindless conspiracy babble."
"Yeah... I'm pretty sure he's drunk again."
Suddenly a giant stink ball whizzed past the gang; it was dangerously close and almost burnt Appa.
"It's Zuko!" Sokka cried.
Aang looked down at the prince. "So that's his name?" he shrugged. "I like emo boy better."
It was then that it came into view.
"Oh, crap," Sokka said worriedly. "A-a-a-a blockade!"
"Don't fret," Aang said calmly. "I've got a plan." He yanked on Appa's reign's and he went even higher. "Higher!" Aang ordered. "Go as high as you can!"
"It doesn't matter how high we go," Sokka said depressingly, letting his paranoia get the best of him. "They'll still be able to get us!"
"Sokka!" Katara said after turning around to see him. "Aang knows what he's doing. Calm down." Sokka shut up and Aang gave Katara a big thumbs up.
Finally Appa refused to go any higher and Aang's plan was ready to commence.
"Down!" he commanded.
Appa descended toward the ocean. To describe what it felt like, it was, simply put, a wooden roller coaster xOVER 9000!
"Down, down, down, to Mephisto's Cafe!" Aang sang as he navigated through the treacherous fire balls that were coming toward them. While he happily sang Katara and Sokka were screaming their heads off. "When I yell 'go'," he shouted at the top of his lungs. "You're gonna wanna take a deep breath in."
"We're not going into the water, are we?" Sokka exclaimed.
"What the Hell does it look like, dummy?"
In about thirty seconds it was time.
"Now!" he shouted.
"You said you'd say 'go'."
"Just hold your breath!" Katara ordered.
At the very last second both Appa and Aang bended the air around them to give them an extra boost of speed as they plunged into the dark abyss.
They hit the water like a cannonball made of sumo wrestlers. Immediately after making contact with the water Aang pulled on Appa's reign's, essentially making him a living torpedo, rocketing through the ocean faster than George W. Bush chasing an ice cream truck. (Take that Conservatives!)
Finally, after they were far away from the blockade and everyone was almost all out of air, Aang pulled on Appa's reigns and had him resurface from the sea.
"Nice plan, Aang," Sokka said sarcastically after he had gathered a sufficient amount of air.
"Thanks; it was some pretty quick thinking on my part."
Sokka stared at him for a few seconds. "Are you joking?! I almost drowned!"
"And it's a damn shame that you didn't, but life goes on anyway."
After a few minutes they landed on the island.
"Storm the castle!" Aang yelled as he charged onward toward the temple.
"Slow down!" pleaded Katara.
"No; you speed up."
Once they got to the doors they all mutely crept into the temple like grave robbers.
"Stop!" they heard. The three of them turned to see five cultist looking dudes in all red. "We are the Fire Sages: guar-"
"Yeah," Aang said to his friends as he created a large air ball. "I'm getting the feeling that these guys are working against us." He threw the ball at their feet and knocked them over. "Strike!" he exclaimed happily. He turned to his comrades. "Dispurse!" Then, in one fluid motion, he gathered air, turned to the sages, and blew them outside of the temple. He met up with them a few moments later.
They were doing a great job of evading the sages until one finally cornered them.
"Back off, old man," Sokka ordered, boomerang in hand.
"Yeah," said Aang. "As the smelly people once said, don't trust anyone over thirty!"
Aang was prepared to blow the man back a mile before Katara called out to him.
"Wait!" she shouted. "I trust him."
"You trust everybody," Aang argued jokingly.
"Look at him; is he a lover or a fighter?"
He looked the sage over and backed away. The sage quietly shifted a lantern to reveal a secret passageway.
"Is this where you keep the Afro Sheen?" Aang asked hopefully. The sage said no and Aang went into a zombie-like state. His head hung low as if he had just been hanged. "I hate this century..." was all he said for quite a while.
Several minutes later...
"No!: said the sage, astonished.
"What's wrong?" Katara asked.
"The sanctuary doors... They're closed!"
"Can't you just open them?"
The Fire Sage shook his head. "It needs five Firebenders to open."
Sokka thought for about fifteen seconds then snapped his seconds excitedly. "I've got an idea!" he stated.
"Great," said Aang as he lifted Bill O'Reilly. "You do that and meanwhile I'll be over there coming up with a good idea."
Meanwhile, over there...
"Hmm..." he muttered to himself as he rubbed his chin. "What to do...?" Bill started yapping from Aang's lap. "No, I don't think that killing the sages with shovels would-"
He jumped from the floor and over to his pals to see that an explosion had just occurred.
"Come on," he said sternly. "I walk away for less than a minute and you guys are already blowing each other up? I swear, I-" He stopped himself from speaking, for as the smoke cleared from Sokka's failed attempt he came upon their saddened faces and feared that saying any more would offend them further. "Don't worry," he assured them. "I have a plan. It involves as crayon, a screwdriver, a paperclip, a banana peel, an alcoholic beverage of some sort, a-"
"Come quickly!" one sage ordered the others.
"Scatter!" whispered Sokka.
Everyone had hidden themselves behind a pillar except for Bill who ran through one of the fire holes that led to the sealed off room (apparently because he was only half listening to Aang and thought he said that there was an alcoholic beverage in the room).
The sages were, to say the least, flabbergasted upon viewing the ash on the doors and a shadow moving around behind the door. Needless to say, they opened the doors without hesitation. They were astonished to find a flying lemur inside the room instead of a little black kid with a gargantuan afro. Bill then, clearly startled by the sages, jumped on the middle one's face and started clawing, biting and punching at him.
"Now, Aang!" the good sage signaled.
"I would," Aang replied, "but my hands are currently tied." He stepped out from behind the pillar, Zuko holding him tightly from behind. "Literally."
"The Avatar is coming with me," said Zuko. "Close the doors; quickly!"
"You've gotten stronger, my emo friend," Aang said slyly, "but not strong enough."
"Don't waste my time with your mind games, Avatar," he replied. "I remember that trick."
"Well, ya know what they say: if it ain't broke-" Aang bent over, thereby flipping Zuko directly in front of him, Aang's face staring at Zuko's back. Aang then, faster than Bruce Lee ever could, hit him in the back with his palm, knocking him down the stairs he was standing in front of. "Don't fix it."
He then spun around like a dog who's tail had just been pulled on to see the doors to the sanctuary were slowly closing. He could have easily sped into the room if it weren't for the two sages standing in his way. They were skilled benders and would fry him like a stick of butter at the Ames Straw Poll. With all this in mind, he took off toward the doors, dodging everything they threw at him. Suddenly the first sage ran in front of him. Aang was perfectly content with simply jumping over the sage and letting him off without being hit, but the sage wouldn't have it. He jumped high into the air to avoid him, but when he looked down he saw the sage, ready to burn him with a gigantic fire ball. He acted quickly, though everything was moving in slow motion for him, and karate chopped his head in a windmill motion. The sage fell to his knees, possibly out cold.
The next sage did the same as the first and ran in front of him. Aang, still hurdling through the air, noticed that he too was prepared to char him. He grabbed the sage's head and kneed him in the face.
From there he fell to the floor and tumbled through the doors just in time. He stood around patiently in that room for what felt like a lifetime, waiting for some type of occurrence. Suddenly some sort of smokey haze started to develop around him and soon had him surrounded. He was then in some kind of new world. He turned around and there stood Roku in all his glory.
"It's good to see you, Aang," he said. "What took you so long?"
"What took me so long?" he asked as he bowed. "Having to come all the way here just to talk to you didn't exactly speed up the process."
The former Avatar chuckled. "You are even wiser than you are strong," he said.
"Anyone can throw punches and kicks," Aang replied. "It takes a truly wise person to plan those punches and kicks."
Roku nodded and there was a short pause. "I have something very important to tell you, Aang," he said. From there he went on to explain the whole deal with the comet.
"Sounds like a plan," Aang responded as he cracked his knuckles and neck. "I've just got one question." Roku nodded as to signal him to go on. "How exactly did the Fire Nation take over?"
"Think about it; water douses fire, air blows it away and earth smothers it. How'd they do it?"
Roku thought it over for about a minute before responding.
"You said it yourself: they were wise when we were dumb."
Aang raised his fist in a rebellious manner as if he were about to punch someone. "I don't care how good they are; I'll one-up them one way or another."
Roku smiled warmly but Aang detected a hint of doubt in his past self's complexion.
There was a short pause until Roku picked up the conversation. "It's time to go, but it's dangerous to go alone," he said as he outstretched his hand. "Take this."
"I get the reference," Aang said as he also extended his hand to shake Roku's. "... Sorta."
Suddenly Roku's spirit took over Aang's being. The doors burst open and there stood Roku. He burned everything that he could, even going as far as to let lava freely flow through the temple as to destroy all things that he could. Then, as suddenly as he had appeared, Roku was gone with Aang keeping his place.
Sokka, Katara and Aang all ran to a nearby window and right before they would have melted in the hellfire Appa came to the rescue. They got on him and flew away to safety. They were no longer in danger, but as Aang considered all the weight Roku had put on his shoulders he concluded that he would have rather been left for dead in the temple.
- Bill's strange way of making Aang a "hippie Communist Nazi" is a reference to Glenn Beck's tactics of making his viewers dislike people. He'd write the name of a few people he disliked at the bottom, then somehow connect them with someone that everybody hates (Nazis, for instance), connect them to some other people everyone hates (murderers), then connect them with a single person that he wanted to make look like a bad person (usually Obama). And people took him seriously for some reason.
- Aang saying that Bill was probably drunk again is a reference to Glenn Beck's previous alcohol problems (even though he sure says stupid stuff as if he were drunk).
- The over 9000 thing was a reference to a meme (of course, if you didn't know that, you probably don't know what a meme is anyway).
- The song Aang sang as they hurdled toward the water was Streetlight Manifesto's 'Down, Down, Down, to Mephisto's Cafe'.
- "Don't trust anyone over thirty" was a famous slogan in the 60s that hippies would always chant.
- The killing them with shovels part was a reference to Glenn Beck's odd obsession with threatening to kill people, specifically with shovels, all the time.
- In case you didn't figure it out, Bill going into the room to get the drink was, again, a reference's to Beck's "previous" problems.
- In case you were wondering, at this year's Ames Straw Poll one of the biggest selling snacks was fried butter on a stick. I'm not joking. That's where America is at currently.
- The "it's dangerous to go alone," bit was a reference to the Zelda games (and a minor meme reference).
For the collective works of the author, go here.