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|By Jeff The Hippie||Genre||Rating||Reviews||Updates|
|More from Jeff The Hippie||Comedy, Action/Adventure||PG-13||None||None|
|"I'm disappointed in you. You and I both know that smoking grass has never caused people to become violent. Alcohol, however, which is completely legal, does."|
|— Aang schooling Bill on marijuana|
|Gung-Fu Badass Ninja Chicks|
Zuko was holding a satanic black mass... Or maybe he was just meditating among candles... Yeah, it was probably the latter. Still, it is a pretty weird thing to do. Just sayin'. Anyway, then his uncle opened the door.
"The only reason you should be interrupting me is if you have news about the Avatar," said Zuko calmly but sternly.
"Well," he began, which is never a good way to start off a sentence when you're trying to not get someone to overreact. "There's news, Prince Zuko, but you might not like it. Don't get too upset."
"Uncle, you taught me that a level head is a sign of a great leader. Now, whatever you have to say, I'm sure I can take it."
"Okay then. We have no idea where he is."
Zuko's emo candles exploded in rage. He grabbed the map from his uncle. He was saying something but Zuko wasn't listening. "How am I gonna find him, uncle?" he asked angrily. "He is clearly a master of evasive maneuvering."
"Do you even know where we're going?" asked Sokka, criticizing Aang.
"Shut up," he replied. "What do I look like? A GPS?"
Aang thought for a moment. "I dunno."
"Aang," said Sokka, scared out of his mind. "Do you really think it's a good idea to be doing push ups on Appa's back instead of actually instructing him on how to fly?!"
"Actually, yes," he replied. "Appa's smart. He knows what he's doing." Suddenly, Aang's eyes went wide with terror, then just as quickly returned to normal. "That's strange," he explained as he continued his push-ups. "I sense a strange lack of optimism in this conversation."
It took Katara a few seconds to respond. "Oh, sorry," she said. "I'm just busy sewing up Sokka's pants." Aang began laughing uncontrollably once he realized the pants were ripped at the crotch.
"Hey!" yelled Sokka, embarrassed. "You know that it's your stupid lemur's fault! I knew we should have eaten him."
Bill jumped on Aang's back and started making his random noises. "Bill says that he thought you were attempting to hijack Appa with a bomb secured in your crotch and that he was trying to save us by taking said bomb." Katara giggled. Sokka didn't, as usual.
After that they landed.
"We just made a pit stop yesterday," complained Sokka. "Shouldn't we get a little more flying done before we camp out?"
"He's right," Katara said. "At this rate we won't get to the North Pole until spring."
"So what?" asked Aang. "It'll still be frozen by then, right? So what's the rush? Besides, Appa's tired and I gotta take a leak."
They stared at him. "A leak of what?" asked Sokka.
Aang face-palmed. "A leak. As in I must urinate."
"Oh." they both said.
Crazy glacier folk, Aang thought. How've they never heard that expression before?
"Where are you going?!" Sokka shouted in anger.
Aang turned to face him. "I'm going to do what I just said I was going to do, dummy!" he shouted back, loud enough to shake the trees.
"But I'm hungry!"
Aang shook his head. "I'll catch some elephant coy later for us to eat."
Sokka's jaw dropped so low that bugs were getting ready to live in his mouth. "Oh, that's just wonderful, Aang. Should we start digging our graves now or later?"
Aang just ignored him (mostly because he just really had to piss).
"Zip-a-dee-doo-dah, Zip-a-dee-ay," Aang sang in a deep bellowing voice as he emerged from the woods. "My, oh my, what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine heading my way. Zip-a-dee-d- wait a minute. Where'd everybody go?" He looked around for a while for his friends but they were nowhere to be found. After a while he just gave up and decided they must have gone to find food. Then he walked toward the water and removed his shoes, socks and jacket. Then he took off toward the mammoth fish so fast that he was actually running across the water. He jumped on the fish and began punching and biting it. It did nothing. Then he got the ingenious plan to jump on its upper lip and start punching it in the eye. He was able to keep it up for a while, but suddenly the fish opened its mouth and swallowed him whole.
"Don't even think for a minute that you've won!" he shouted from within it. He punched and kicked its insides, but it had little to no effect. Then it dawned on him. He would choke it from within! And he did. (I'll spare you the details mostly because I don't know how you'd choke a fish.) He emerged from the fish, feeling like the strongest man in the world. He was trying to figure out how to get the big guy to shore when suddenly it got dark.
"Nightfall?" he asked aloud. "Already?" He turned to find a giant fish creature staring at him like a Thanksgiving feast. "Well, I'd love to stay, but I think it'd be best if I go." The beast growled and bared its teeth to him. "Peace out!" The beast tried to eat him, but Aang jumped high in the air and it only got the elephant coy. Aang hit the water running. He thought he was fine but when he turned around he found the monster still chasing him.
"Ha-ha-ha!" he laughed at it. "You're so lame that the only food you can catch is already dead!" The beast was close, but Aang was too fast and made it to shore just in time.
"Yeah!" he exclaimed with one fist in the air, watching as the monster swam away. "That's why you don't mess with th-" Suddenly Aang was tied up and blindfolded.
"Show yourselves, cowards!" ordered Sokka once they were finished being tied to the pole. When they were unblindfolded they found themselves surrounded by girls.
"Who are you? Where are the men who ambushed us?" asked Sokka. Aang just stared with disdain.
"If my arms weren't tied down I'd be trying to slap the stupid out of you right now."
"What are you talking about?"
Aang attempted to face-palm, but then remembered his arms were tied down.
"They were the ones who caught us, dummy!"
"Your dark friend is right. Now tell us, who are you and what are doing here?" asked one girl.
"Wait, there's no way a bunch of girls took us down."
"Damn, dude, you gotta learn to keep your mouth shut." Aang said quietly with his eyes closed in disdain.
"A bunch of girls, huh?" asked the same girl. "The unagi's gonna eat well tonight."
"Well, I wouldn't say that. He's actually quite bony and weak. He'd be more like the equivalent of a small shrimp," Aang said.
"No, don't hurt him!" Katara pleaded. "He didn't mean it. My brother's just an idiot sometimes." The girl backed off.
Aang began snapping his fingers to get the girl's attention. "Hey," he said when she finally looked at him. "If it helps, I'm the Avatar. Ya know, descendant of that Kyoshi chick you've got a statue of up there."
"That's impossible!" the girl blasted. "The last Avatar was an Airbender who disappeared a hundred years ago."
He tilted his head back to reveal the arrow on his forehead which is usual hidden by a shadow from his massive fro and also the ones on his hands.
"They seem pretty fake to me," said a large man who had been otherwise silent. "Throw the impostor to the unagi!"
"Fake?!" Aang yelled, offended. "Do you know how much getting those tattoos hurt?! I'm only twelve years old!"
The girls circled around them. "Aang," said Katara worriedly. "Do some Airbending!"
"I don't see what you're freakin' out about," he said calmly. "They're only gonna kill me."
"Okay, fine. You're no fun." He blew air at them, knocking them a few feet away. He jumped from his ropes and landed in front of them. They all gasped.
"You really are the Avatar!" the one shouted in amazement.
"Great. Now that we've established that, could someone go get my shoes and jacket for me? I'm freezing to death here!" Then Aang remembered something. He walked up to Sokka and slapped him in the face.
"What was that for?!" Sokka shouted.
"Is your stupid gone?" Aang asked, completely disregarding Sokka's question.
"Hmm. I guess not. Don't worry. This should fix you right up." He slapped him again.
"No fair! You're just lucky I'm tied to this pole!"
"Ha-ha-ha-ha-ha! You said that as if you would do anything about it if you weren't!"
Word about Aang being on Kyoshi spread like wild fire. Soon everyone knew.
"Wow, Aang," said Katara, looking out the window. "They're really excited to have you.
"Yeah," he replied with a blank expression.
"I can't believe those girls captured us," Sokka moaned from the corner.
"Yeah, and ya know what's even worse than that?" asked Aang.
"Even with all those chicks I bet you couldn't get one to kiss you."
"I bet I could!"
"Then get out there and prove me wrong."
"......I will!" He left in a blaze of rage.
Immediately after Sokka left the food came in and Aang started laughing uncontrollably. "Oh, the irony!" Then he went back to his blank expression.
"Aang, are you alright?" Katara asked, biting into an apple.
He closed his eyes. "Every second that I'm here I'm putting these people's lives in danger. I shouldn't be here." Katara was speechless. "We're leaving. Stay here. I'll be back with Sokka in a few minutes."
"Hey, Avatar!" yelled a little girl immediately after he left the house he was in.
"Hey, Kyoshi youth," he replied, not looking at her.
"How'd your skin get like that?"
"I haven't bathed in a while."
"Yeah. Now get off my case." She stopped dead in her tracks. Finally, he thought. I've gotten rid of her!
"Hey, you're lying!" she said once she caught up with him. "That's not how you got black!"
"Good job, Sherlock."
He thought for a moment. "Never mind."
"Hey, can you show me some Airbending?"
"Yeah, sure." He then shot her with some air, knocking her down.
"Hey!" she yelled once she caught up with him. "That wasn't very nice!"
"Any broken bones?"
"Then quit complaining."
"But seriously, do some Airbending."
"Fine, if that's what you want. Peace out!" Aang jumped in the air. Once he landed he was far from that girl. The bad part is that when he did land he was surrounded. "I'm screwed."
Meanwhile, Sokka attempts to be suave...
"Hello there, ladies," he said, rudely barging in on their training. "I noticed that you're pretty good at sneaking up on people. Care to learn how to fight head on?"
"Oh, yes please, big strong man!" said Suki, who had apparently been introduced off-screen.
"Okay then," Sokka said once he finished stretching. "Try doing this..." He jumped up and kicked the air... And that was it. All the other girls did it with ease. "Uh, um, okay... H-how about this one?" He did just a basic side kick and they all did it with ease once again. "Uh, um... Tr-try to do this!" At this point he was just punching and kicking the air in a stupid manner. The girls just laughed right at him.
"Oh, please slow down!" said Suki. "We can't keep up."
Now, back to Aang...
After about seven minutes of Airbending Aang was happy to see that the girls were getting bored. He was sad when he found out that they were only bored of the bending, not him.
"What else do you do?" asked one girl.
"Hey," Aang replied. "I'm not some big black action figure that you can just make light up and make sounds as you wish. Homey don't play dat!"
"Oh, come on, Aangy."
Aang got shivers all over. "I'll perform a song for you guys if you promise to never call me that again."
They all cheered loudly.
"Hey!" he shouted over them. "Shut up. We've got work to do. Now I'll need a guitar, a tambourine, and a sitar player with a sitar. Go!" They all ran away as fast as possible. "There. That should keep them busy." Then he made a hasty retreat.
And back again to Sokka...
"Hey," he said, once again interrupting their training. "I'm sorry."
"And?" asked Suki, the only Warrior who ever talks anyway.
"A-and... And I'd be honored if you would teach me."
"Fine," she said. "But you'll have to follow our customs.
"Sure. Why not?" About ten minutes later he was dressed up like a girl. "This is humiliating!" he cried.
"No it's not," she said. "It'll teach you shame and discipline."
Sokka thought it over for a minute. "You're right. I'm ready to begin!"
"Holy crap!" Sokka heard from behind him.
"No!" he whispered.
"Yo, Sokka, I'm not sure how the dudes in the Water Tribe pick up chicks, but in my nation, that tactic doesn't usually work."
"Big talk coming from a man who has little girls flock to him!" Sokka responded.
"Pfft. At least girls flock to me." Then he noticed the girl. "Oh, I'm sorry. I wasn't aware there was anyone else here." He walked up and shook her hand. "Nice to meet you," he said.
"While I'm here, if I may, I'd like to ask you a question," Aang said to her as he fixed his afro.
"I've got a question about you not going to war. Why don't you?"
She was astonished. "As the Avatar, you should know that peace should always be a top priority, as it is here. We plan to stay out of the war for as long as possible."
Aang nodded. "But you see, that plan makes no sense. Please, attempt to understand; I hate war more than anybody, but I do realize that in some cases war is the only chance for peace. Now consider this: how does your plan pan out? You plan to stay out of the war for as long as possible, but gravity is sucking down the sands of time. It's only a matter of time until the Fire Nation fully takes over. Then what? It'll be you versus everyone else. I say you should get in and help the war effort as soon as possible, but let's forget my opinion. Tell me, why do you think it's smart to stay out of the war for so long?"
She opened her mouth but nothing came out.
"It's okay. You don't have to answer. Just think it over for me."
"I... I will."
He bowed to her. "I've gotta go now. Staying in one place for too long will assure my capture."
"The Fire Nation's here?!" asked Sokka frantically.
"Worse. Little girls. They're hunting me down." He turned to the girl. "It has been a pleasure meeting you."
He turned to Sokka. "Peace out, Lola."
He took five steps then turned back around to them one last time. "By the way, you wouldn't happen to know where any Afro Sheen might be, would you?"
"What?" she asked.
"Never mind." Then he finally left.
"Ugh," Sokka moaned as he sat down the floor. "I really hate that kid sometimes."
"He seems pretty level headed," said the girl.
"He's such a jerk. He's always making fun of me."
"Well, you are wearing a dress."
"Yeah, but he also hits me. It gets annoying."
"Have you tried fighting back?" Sokka fell silent. "Try it. He's trying to teach you the same things as I am; shame and discipline. He may be a bit rough about it, but you'll thank him later. Now let's get to work."
Meanwhile, with Aang...
"Aang!" he heard. He was completely ready to run until he realized it was Katara.
Uh-oh, he thought.
"Have you forgotten something?" she asked.
"Aww, man. I'm sorry. I just forgot," he tried to explain.
"Please just go get Sokka."
"Pack up now, cause next time you see me, Sokka will be by my side."
"Yeah, I'm sure. Just like last time you said that."
"Before you assume anything," he explained. "understand that I was being hunted!"
Immediately after that, girls swarmed on him. They dragged him away in an instant.
"Really?!" Aang said after they stopped pushing him. "Why did you do that?!"
The girls ran to him with everything he had requested, right down to the sitar.
"Ha-ha-ha," he laughed. "I didn't actually think you'd find any of those things."
Dreadful faces emerged after he said that. They were gonna be really disappointed.
"And... I guess I'll do that song then. Ha-ha."
"Yay!" they all shrieked in excitement.
"Just listen to what I say and you'll get your song."
"Oh, we will!" They assured him.
"How about my people come up with the stuff." They did and gave him the guitar.
"Now what do we do?" asked the Indian man who would be playing the sitar.
"Let me think of how the riff goes." He played it for a minute until it was right.
"Exactly what kind of song is it?" asked the tambourine girl.
"Now that's the fun part," he assured. "It's many different kinds."
"No certain genre?"
"Of course not! That's what makes hippie music so good."
"Next, this is what you two will be playing..."
For the next ten minutes he taught them. "Now listen up!" he shouted. "Because we're only doing this once. You two ready?" They nodded. "Okay! 1, 2, 3, 4!" He played the riff a few times, then the tambourine came in. Once the lyrics kicked in so did the sitar. "In the time of chimpanzees I was a monkey. Butane in my veins and I'm out to cut the junkie with the plastic eyeballs. Spray paint the vegetables. Dog food stalls with the beefcake pantyhose. Kill the headlights and put it in neutral. Stock car flamin' with the loser in the cruise control. Baby's in Reno with the vitamin D." He did the rest of the song and everyone cheered.
"Hey!" yelled someone as he ran up to Aang. "I'm a reporter for the Kyoshi Island Weekly. Can we get a word on that amazing performance?"
Aang thought it over. "Don't quote me, boy, cause I ain't said shit." He tried to walk away, but a little girl ran up to him.
"Aang, what's that song about?"
"Honestly, I have no idea. I feel like it was written after a dance with Mary Jane, though... Speaking of which, I could use one right now." He jumped high in the air and got away. Now he just needed to find Bill O'Reilly. The only problem is that he was nowhere to be found. Aang looked for over three minutes, then he figured out how to find Bill.
"Look everyone!" he yelled as loudly as possible. "It's Barack Obama's real birth certificate!" Bill was there in under five seconds. From there they went to get some fried komodo chicken (which would usually cost a bundle, but being the Avatar, got it free), hot sauce (again, free) and a cellar (provided by a kindly old woman). Once they got everything they went into the cellar to smoke in peace. Before Aang even sat down he was rolling a joint. Bill jumped on his back and started squealing.
"Chill out," Aang said as he lit the joint by the fire of a lantern. "It's not like I have anything to do today."
Bill screeched some more. "Bill O'Reilly," Aang said sternly after taking a long puff on his joint. "I'm disappointed in you. You and I both know that smoking grass has never caused people to become violent. Alcohol, however, which is completely legal, does. You just need to chill out." Aang took a long puff on the cigarette and blew it into Bill's face. After he was finished coughing he started making his noise. "Yeah, it does, but you don't notice it after a while."
"Avatar! Avatar!" the old lady yelled as she opened the cellar door. "Prince Zuko has..." her eyes went wide. "What is that smell?!"
"I'm sorry, lady," he said as he calmly emerged from the cellar with Bill hanging lazily on his back. "I was only gonna smoke half of it, but then Bill got into it and before we knew it the food was all gone and so was the pot... Which reminds me," he pointed at Bill. "You owe me two silver pieces." He looked back at the old woman. "How long were we down there? Please don't tell me it was another hundred years."
"A-about an hour."
"Oh, okay then. Thanks. The stink will air out if you keep the door open." They walked away, extremely tired. "Bill, what was she talking about?" Bill just yawned (Note: you just yawned after reading that). "Yeah, I'm tired too. Let's go find Appa and take a nap on his back."
"Avatar!" Zuko called.
"Emo boy!" Aang said happily.
"I don't even know what that word means!" Then he shot a fire ball at him. Aang dodged it.
"Well that wasn't very nice," he said. Zuko shot a fire blast at him, but Aang dodged just in time. "You're not being a very good friend." Zuko shot five fire balls but they all missed. "Come on, man. You're ruining my mellow." Aang shot three extra large fire balls at him that he just barely dodged. "Listen, man," said Aang. "If you keep doing that I'm gonna have to hit you." Zuko shot another giant fire ball, so Aang jumped high into the sky. As he came down he collected air into a large ball. Once he landed he threw the ball on a curve at Zuko, knocking him far away. "Aww, man," he said. "Now I feel bad." Immediately after that his friends landed next to him on Appa's back.
"Aang, we need to go!" said Katara.
"I can't," he said. "I gotta go give emo boy a hug. He's really depressed and I think a hu-" Both Sokka and Katara grabbed him and pulled him onto Appa.
"Go nigga, go!" shouted Katara. Appa ascended into the sky, leaving Kyoshi to burn.
- The take a leak thing was a reference to Star Trek: First Contact.
- The song Aang sang as he emerged from the woods was (you guessed it) 'Zip-A-Dee-Doo-Dah'.
- This chapter contains Sherlock Holmes reference number three!
- The "I'm not some big black action figure" part was a reference to the 'Homey the Clown' skit on In Living Color.
- Aang called Sokka Lola in a reference to the Kinks' hit song of the same name about a transvestite.
- There is a "secret" message hidden in the parts of this chapter from Katara's "Have you forgotten something?" sentence to the "Next, this is what you two will be playing..." part in relation to an event that will take place tomorrow (October 9th). That's why it may seem worded a bit weirdly. Good luck finding it.
- The "dance with Mary Jane" part was a reference to Tom Petty's 'Mary Jane's Last Dance' (and something else which was probably more obvious, and also which the song was written about).
- Aang's "Don't quote me, boy," part was a reference to Eazy E's 'Boyz n the Hood'.
- When Bill "said" that marijuana makes people violent it was a reference to the old propaganda film 'Reefer Madness' in which teens smoke marijuana, kill a man (and also run over one in a high speed hit-and-run) and frame another kid who passed out after smoking too much. As you can imagine, the film had a few lies put in it (besides the ones that I've already told you) like that "Marijuana now grows wild in every state in the union!" It's funny to make fun of though.
- The song Aang sung to the people was Beck's 'Loser'. I honestly don't think anyone knows what it's about.
For the collective works of the author, go here.