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| || And this is Katara, my flying sister.
This article is considered humorous and should not be treated too seriously.
|Group Therapy Session With the Cast of Avatar|
This is a one-shot in which the main cast of Avatar: the Last Airbender sits down for a therapy session after being so immersed with their characters, that they believe they are those characters.
Therapist: Alright, we are here today for something very important. What, you may ask? Well, let me introduce to you some people I'm sure everyone reading this will be familiar with!
(She motions to several people sitting in chairs in a circle)
Therapist: Go ahead guys. Introduce yourselves.
Zach: Zachary Tyler Eisen.
Mae: Mae Whitman.
Jack: Jack DeSena.
Jessie: Jessie Flower.
Dante: Dante Basco.
Dee: Dee Bradley Baker.
Jennie: Jennie Kwan.
Therapist: Yes, this is the cast of Avatar: the Last Airbender. We are here today to discuss our problems.
Zach: We don't have any problems.
Mae: Well, I'm not sure about that. I think Dante has some anger issues.
Dante: And what is that supposed to mean?!
Mae: Dante, you are angry about everything! You never smile, you're never happy; you are always in the worst mood!
Dante: Well, it's because I lost my honor!
Jennie: Oh, here we go again!
Dante: Hey, you don't know what it's like to lose your honor! It sucks! I have nothing to do anymore! Nowadays, I just spend my time sailing out in the ocean just hoping to find something.
Mae: Like what?
Dante: I don't know! I just something! Maybe a monk who can make all of my troubles go away.
Therapist: Alright, this is not a good way to start off the session. Now, let's regain our focus, and talk about something else. How about we all say what our favorite thing to do is, okay? Zach, you go first.
Zach: Well, I like sledding on penguins. I like making them come to me, and then I just get on their backs and ride.
Therapist: No, Zach, you're not Aang. What is your favorite thing to do?
Zach: I am too Aang! I even have an arrow, see?
Jack: I told you not to get that arrow tattoo!
(Everyone else groans in annoyance)
Zach: What?! It's a sacred tradition of my people!
Therapist: You're not Aang! (Sighs) Mae, let's go to you next.
Mae: Well, I really love sewing. I even sew Jack's pants sometimes.
Jack: Well, you are a girl after all.
Mae: Oh, really? You're still sexist, huh?!
Jack: I'm just stating the facts.
Mae: No, you are being offensive towards the female demographic!
Jack: Oh, by the way, did she tell you that she's also a shoplifter?!
Mae: What?! I am not!
Jack: Yeah, she's always stealing scrolls from the market!
Mae: Oh, give it a rest, will you?!
Zach: I thought the term was 'high-risk traders'.
Therapist: Alright, alright. Jessie, what is your favorite thing to do?
(Jessie has her eyes closed while speaking)
Jessie: Well, I really love fighting. I love being an Earthbender, and I'm really, really good at it. I can show you a few moves if you want.
Therapist: No, no, Jessie, you are not an Earthbender. Can you please say that with me? You are not an Earthbender.
Dee: I'll say it! You're not an Earthbender!
Jessie: I am too!
Therapist: Alright, alright! Let's just move on. Jack, what is your favorite thing to do?
Jack: Uh, well, I love shopping. Sometimes I shop for bags and sometimes I shop for weapons I can use against the Fire Nation.
Therapist: Okay, shopping, that's nice. Jennie, what about you?
Jennie: Well, my favorite thing to do is pick berries. Yeah, whenever I'm not training with my warriors, I love to just pick berries.
Dee: Well, I really love to climb up trees. I'm always climbing up trees and sometimes I just love soaring through the sky.
Therapist: No, Dee! You can't fly!
Dee: I can too! I've flown for two days straight!
Therapist: Okay, we're getting off track again. Dante, what about you?
Dante: I don't have a favorite activity. I'm always in a bad mood.
Mae: See?! See, I told you!
Zach: Wow, Mae is right, you really do have anger issues.
Dante: Well, at least I don't freaking lose my mind and threaten to kill people whenever my pet goes missing!
Zach: Oh, one time!
Dee: Hey! That was really scary! Have you guys ever even been in a fight with a Boar-q-pine?! It is NOT fun! I mean, I was shot with spit darts, I was tortured so badly I developed a fear of fire-
Jennie: Yeah, and then you ditched me in the middle of a fight and I was captured for who knows how long!
Jack: Oh, both of you suck it up!
Therapist: Guys, guys, we need to focus!
Dante: Look, the reason I'm in a bad mood is... I'm going through some tough times. I'm always waking up in the middle of the night and I think someone is trying to kill me. And then, sometimes, I find some creepy note outside my door telling me to look up my great-grandfather's history. In other words, I'm not getting a lot of sleep.
Zach: Oh, you're not getting enough sleep?! I'm always waking up in the middle of the night after having nightmares!
Therapist: About what?
Jessie: It's always something different. Bald dudes, angry versions of himself, pants, math tests, you name it.
Mae: Would you please open your eyes?!
Jessie: They are open.
Jack: No, they're not!
Jessie: No, I'm just blind! I can't see!
Therapist: Listen, Jessie, on the count of three, I want you to open your eyes. One... two...three!
(Jessie struggles to open her eyes, but fails)
Therapist: Alright, you know what; we can just try that next time.
Jessie: It doesn't matter, I can see with my feet, because I can feel the earth's vibrations, and-
Jack: God, you're hopeless.
Jessie: Why doesn't anyone believe me?! I can!
Dee: All of you guys are just upset that none of you are in the Legend of Korra, and I am.
Dante: I was!
Dee: For three episodes!
Mae: I might be!
Dee: No, you're all just jealous that D.B. Sweeney, and Chris Hardwick, and Eve Marie Saint, and Kate Higgins beat all of you out!
Dante: Oh, so you want to be a Legend of Korra character?! Go jump in a boat and-
Therapist: Hey! Dante, that is not an appropriate thing to say!
Dee: Yeah, get struck by lightning, you jerk.
Dante: I think once was enough, thank you very much! I was lucky to have even survived!
Jennie: Yeah, and you shouldn't have.
Mae: Why not?! Are you saying that I'm not a good healer?!
Zach: Ask Crawford Wilson if you're a good healer.
Therapist: Mae, you can't heal! Dante, is there something else you're not telling us?
Dante: Well, Cricket left me, recently.
Zach: Yeah, she left you in May!
(Zach laughs, and everyone else, but Dante and the Therapist chuckles)
Dante: Not her, I meant my actual pet cricket. I miss the little guy.
Zach: Oh, and yet you blame me for overreacting about losing my pets!
Jack: Would everyone just stop?! It's no wonder I always have red marks on my head.
Jennie: Oh, you think you've got it rough?! Do you have any idea how many people have it out for me for no reason whatsoever?! I haven't even made an appearance in the new show yet.
Therapist: Okay, okay, we need to bring it back together. Alright? Now, everyone tell me what you like most about each other. Not each other's characters, but about each other. Zach?
Zach: Uh, well, I like how Jack is so obsessed with meat that if he eats any more he's going to die before he turns thirty.
Jack: Oh, like you've never eaten meat?!
Mae: Jack, you're obsessed with it.
Jack: I can't help it, okay! I have a problem!
Therapist: Alright, Mae?
Mae: Well, I love how Jennie loves feeding people to lake monsters.
Jennie: Hey, if someone came into your house without any explanation, I doubt you would react too kindly towards that person.
Mae: Yeah, but I would listen to them before throwing them in a lake and letting them get eaten by a lake monster!
Dee: Yeah, I'm pretty sure that all of this proves that Avatar is real and that our characters are real, because I seem to remember Jessie giving Jennie a kiss on the cheek.
Jennie: Whoa, whoa, whoa!
Therapist: Dee, that is not appropriate to talk about!
Jessie: What did I ever do to deserve that comment?!
Dee: Hmmm, let's see, you abandoned me in a desert, for starters.
Jessie: Oh, let it go!
Therapist: Guys, none of that happened!
Dee: Of course it did! I was dragged away, Jennie got a smooch on the cheek, it all happened!
Zach: I can't do this. I can't do this. I am a monk; I can't do this, I am peaceful.
Dante: You're not a monk!
Zach: How did Mako Iwamatsu ever put up with you?
Mae: Or Greg Baldwin, for that matter.
Therapist: Okay, Jessie? What's your favorite thing about your friends?
Jessie: Probably how Dee is always leaving hair all over the place.
Dee: Oh, like I can help it!
Jessie: Yeah, you could if you would just shave!
Dee: Hey, in the spring, I just let it all fall out.
Therapist: Okay, Jack?
Jack: Well, uh, I like how Jessie has a crush on me.
Jessie: Oh, get over yourself!
Jack: Admit it, you like me!
Jessie: I do not like you!
Jack: You most certainly do.
Zach: Yeah, and you want to know something I like about Jessie?
Jessie: It's not your turn!
Zach: Something I like about Jessie is that she's always stealing my stuff, and how she doesn't care about me at all.
Jessie: Why would you say that?
Zach: Because you just stood there and let a saber-toothed moose lion attack me!
Jessie: Oh, quit your crying!
Dante: My favorite thing about you guys is that you never stopped to think about the fact that there was a reason I was hunting you guys.
Mae: What is that supposed to mean?!
Dante: You guys always thought I was the big bad fire prince who just wanted to make his daddy happy. You never bothered to learn my back story or even sit down and talk to me. And you could have just said, 'Hey, you realize you're a bad guy, right?'
Mae: I tried! Then you just went all angry jerk on us!
Jennie: My favorite thing about you guys is that none of you even cared enough to come rescue me. I guess that shows how much you care about me.
Jack: I came to rescue you!
Dante: Yeah, what about me?! I rescued you too!
Jennie: Oh, please, neither of you even knew I was there. You were just there to save your dad, Jack.
Dee: My favorite thing is that everyone except Zach just looks at me as an animal. I mean, have feelings, too!
Therapist: Alright, you know what?! That's it! I can't take this! I can't deal with this! I don't know how Mike DiMartino and Bryan Konietzko put up with this, but I can't.
(The Therapist storms off)
Dee: Oh, great, you made the therapist leave!
Zach: Hey, it was you guys' fault!
Mae: Oh, whatever!
Jessie: Let's just go.
Dante: I JUST WANT TO GET SOME SLEEP!
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